I don't know what it is that drives me sometimes. I'm having to ask myself that question a lot lately. When younger people ask, "What's new?" I'm reminded about how much things change at their age and how there is actually something new each day that moves them along.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
More Mood Food
1:02pm
I've been cleaning. I moved my furniture around a few weeks ago but haven't really picked anything up since shifting. Books, CD's, DVD's, magazines, paperwork, and most notably pictures are strewn all over the carpet. I've managed to put the books that I'm keeping up on the shelf. I've discarded the empty CD cases. Every so often I stop to check something on the computer---the last stop was an hour long as I decided I needed to clean off any unnecessary files. Then I went to go and defragment the hard drive and found I only had 11% disk space available---even after my clean-up. I grow bored of these projects too quickly...so now I'm typing a journal entry.
My phone just notified me of a new text message. It's an e-mail notification. I get them when certain people send e-mail to my main account. This particular one is from my mother, sending yet another chain e-mail. I rarely read them. I hate those things. Sometimes I do. Mostly depends on my mood. I haven't seen my mom in two months now and that fact has been on my mind. I've tried to think of a reason. I think the obvious one is that I've just been extremely low and moody and I don't want to be put in a situation where she will trigger me to be angry or upset on top of how I already feel. That's sad to say, but honest. I know that.
I launch Trillian because even as I write this entry I'm not sure that my own thoughts are going to keep me entertained. The house windows are open. Cool breeze finding it's way over my skin, blowing the curtains outward and inward--breathing.
Sifting through the pictures is something that I have put off for so long. It's a whirlwind of pain and pleasure to see the past. It's hard to see some changes and beautiful to notice others. I've thrown away so many duplicates and pictures that might have seemed important at one time but no longer hold value. I'm not even half way done. I have empty photo albums and two thick posterboards to use for those pictures that ultimately remain.
1:22pm
"..Am I standing still.."
Yesterday, I got home from work and quickly got into a paralyzed mode where I didn't want to leave my room. I was online, watching tv, zoning. I wanted to write but nothing got typed. I look to the future and this dark part of me just doesn't see why we do it. Why do we set goals and try to achieve anything? I know that sometimes people do this because they're driven by success or money or both. Sometimes it's just for personal accomplishment. These things do not motivate me like they did when I was younger. So I spent the night in my room and then fell asleep to music randomly playing on the computer. I can see this depression like a fog in the canyon but I don't think being on drugs again will solve anything.
2:03pm
I just updated the journal entries from the last week that were in my planner. I took a break to wash my face. I'm not sure I should be dating right now. Or ever.
I've been cleaning. I moved my furniture around a few weeks ago but haven't really picked anything up since shifting. Books, CD's, DVD's, magazines, paperwork, and most notably pictures are strewn all over the carpet. I've managed to put the books that I'm keeping up on the shelf. I've discarded the empty CD cases. Every so often I stop to check something on the computer---the last stop was an hour long as I decided I needed to clean off any unnecessary files. Then I went to go and defragment the hard drive and found I only had 11% disk space available---even after my clean-up. I grow bored of these projects too quickly...so now I'm typing a journal entry.
My phone just notified me of a new text message. It's an e-mail notification. I get them when certain people send e-mail to my main account. This particular one is from my mother, sending yet another chain e-mail. I rarely read them. I hate those things. Sometimes I do. Mostly depends on my mood. I haven't seen my mom in two months now and that fact has been on my mind. I've tried to think of a reason. I think the obvious one is that I've just been extremely low and moody and I don't want to be put in a situation where she will trigger me to be angry or upset on top of how I already feel. That's sad to say, but honest. I know that.
I launch Trillian because even as I write this entry I'm not sure that my own thoughts are going to keep me entertained. The house windows are open. Cool breeze finding it's way over my skin, blowing the curtains outward and inward--breathing.
Sifting through the pictures is something that I have put off for so long. It's a whirlwind of pain and pleasure to see the past. It's hard to see some changes and beautiful to notice others. I've thrown away so many duplicates and pictures that might have seemed important at one time but no longer hold value. I'm not even half way done. I have empty photo albums and two thick posterboards to use for those pictures that ultimately remain.
1:22pm
"..Am I standing still.."
Yesterday, I got home from work and quickly got into a paralyzed mode where I didn't want to leave my room. I was online, watching tv, zoning. I wanted to write but nothing got typed. I look to the future and this dark part of me just doesn't see why we do it. Why do we set goals and try to achieve anything? I know that sometimes people do this because they're driven by success or money or both. Sometimes it's just for personal accomplishment. These things do not motivate me like they did when I was younger. So I spent the night in my room and then fell asleep to music randomly playing on the computer. I can see this depression like a fog in the canyon but I don't think being on drugs again will solve anything.
2:03pm
I just updated the journal entries from the last week that were in my planner. I took a break to wash my face. I'm not sure I should be dating right now. Or ever.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Between Departure & Arrival
11:10am Mountain to 12-noon Pacific:
In flight. I don't know what to say about how I'm feeling and that's why I'm writing. I'm in the air, on my way home. I feel like Ii spent three days in a dream with familiar elements. There was even a person (Zach) from my past. In one feeling, I felt drawn to Salt Lake City by that inexplicable energy that I feel in the presence of people who are lost but have found each other to console themselves... (fading)
PEOPLE HAVE ROUTINES. EVEN WHEN BAGS OF PEANUTS OR PRETZELS HAVE A PRE-MADE SLIT TO OPEN THE BAG, SOMETIMES WE PULL THE MIDDLE FLAP AND PULL APART THE SEALED END. I LIKE THE BAGS FOR SKITTLES. THE WAY THE BAG TEARS OPEN IS NICE & SMOOTH.
(Fading back)... When someone doesn't kiss they are keeping a guard on the door to intimacy. They have engaged a form of distance either for protection or for survival; perhaps even for fear of not knowing what they feel. And when you do kiss someone the way that the kiss is engaged tells a lot about how open that person is with you. Experience in relationships of intimacy can be felt in a kiss. Kissing Martin is different than kissing Alex. Kissing Dominic was different still. People that I have kissed where there is a strong mutual feeling for one another has this flow to it that cannot be measured by any one metric---it might be felt on a dance floor kissing a total stranger or the ex boyfriend after breaking up and having that one last fling years after the relationship is over.
I am coursing in this energy stream right now. An 8month old baby girl named Abbey is smiling at me. Giggling. She keeps looking back and I smile. She touches me and brings tears to my eyes. She is that innocence that I know I've lost.
In flight. I don't know what to say about how I'm feeling and that's why I'm writing. I'm in the air, on my way home. I feel like Ii spent three days in a dream with familiar elements. There was even a person (Zach) from my past. In one feeling, I felt drawn to Salt Lake City by that inexplicable energy that I feel in the presence of people who are lost but have found each other to console themselves... (fading)
PEOPLE HAVE ROUTINES. EVEN WHEN BAGS OF PEANUTS OR PRETZELS HAVE A PRE-MADE SLIT TO OPEN THE BAG, SOMETIMES WE PULL THE MIDDLE FLAP AND PULL APART THE SEALED END. I LIKE THE BAGS FOR SKITTLES. THE WAY THE BAG TEARS OPEN IS NICE & SMOOTH.
(Fading back)... When someone doesn't kiss they are keeping a guard on the door to intimacy. They have engaged a form of distance either for protection or for survival; perhaps even for fear of not knowing what they feel. And when you do kiss someone the way that the kiss is engaged tells a lot about how open that person is with you. Experience in relationships of intimacy can be felt in a kiss. Kissing Martin is different than kissing Alex. Kissing Dominic was different still. People that I have kissed where there is a strong mutual feeling for one another has this flow to it that cannot be measured by any one metric---it might be felt on a dance floor kissing a total stranger or the ex boyfriend after breaking up and having that one last fling years after the relationship is over.
I am coursing in this energy stream right now. An 8month old baby girl named Abbey is smiling at me. Giggling. She keeps looking back and I smile. She touches me and brings tears to my eyes. She is that innocence that I know I've lost.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
21 Plus
7:40pm--Salt Lake City, UTAH
Went to Wendover, NV today. Gambled. Won the slot machine jackpot for the $.05 machine with Dominic's nickles. Broke even on the blackjack tables for myself. Seems I didn't schedule vacation for myself tomorrow. Oh well, there goes the final ESN.
I really need a nap right now. Gambling noise, cigarrette smoke and loud annoying people. Head needs quiet.
Went to Wendover, NV today. Gambled. Won the slot machine jackpot for the $.05 machine with Dominic's nickles. Broke even on the blackjack tables for myself. Seems I didn't schedule vacation for myself tomorrow. Oh well, there goes the final ESN.
I really need a nap right now. Gambling noise, cigarrette smoke and loud annoying people. Head needs quiet.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Utah Liquor
7:20pm--Salt Lake City, UT
Buying alcohol here is funny. Dominic drove me to the STATE LIQUOR STORE. When he parked and stayed sitting, it hit me that he wouldn't be able to step foot in the store. When I walked in, I felt like I was in a smaller, scaled down version of Beverages & More. Prices were around the same, maybe a dollor or two more. Now we're back at the apartment and our first drink of Vanilla Coke with Malibu Rum is being sipped. I'm a little more than half finished. Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean" has cycled on the MP3 player. Dominic is cleaning the kitchen. He's done now.
24 hours here and I'm still assessing myself in this foreign surrounding. I'm comfortable but not comforted. I'm glad I came, but unsure if fantasy and reality were meant to mix. Guess there's no room for thinking about it now. It's done. Dominic's roommate just came home so this deep lack of eyes is no longer something I'm writing about. Later tonight---drinner & dancing.
Buying alcohol here is funny. Dominic drove me to the STATE LIQUOR STORE. When he parked and stayed sitting, it hit me that he wouldn't be able to step foot in the store. When I walked in, I felt like I was in a smaller, scaled down version of Beverages & More. Prices were around the same, maybe a dollor or two more. Now we're back at the apartment and our first drink of Vanilla Coke with Malibu Rum is being sipped. I'm a little more than half finished. Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean" has cycled on the MP3 player. Dominic is cleaning the kitchen. He's done now.
24 hours here and I'm still assessing myself in this foreign surrounding. I'm comfortable but not comforted. I'm glad I came, but unsure if fantasy and reality were meant to mix. Guess there's no room for thinking about it now. It's done. Dominic's roommate just came home so this deep lack of eyes is no longer something I'm writing about. Later tonight---drinner & dancing.
