crazy nights

I just got back from hanging the ghost/angels made from our paper towels. They're the first things that our playful neighbors will see when they go to leave their apartment this morning. This is part of an ongoing gag dealing with our pet birds. Hmm... without too much explanation, well... I guess that's impossible.

I have not yet been to sleep. Randy (C) and I went out to WeHo last night and danced. After Mickey's closed we went to Spike, but it was closed. A boy that Randy had eyed also was at the Spike door and invited back to his place. I--driving--obliged. I thought he would've actually taken advantage of the situation, but something held him back again. Again...because he did something similar last Saturday. I'm not sure if it's a hang up on Frederic still or just a gut feeling of knowing it is not what he really wants. I remain on the sideline, waiting for a resolution to be heard.

Randy & I took a shower together this morning. Our first in many months. I enjoyed that. Something as simple as washing each other. (((smile))) We have Friday planned for date night.

I'm starting to get that light sweat from lack of sleep. If I laid down it would take some work to actually get to sleep. Perhaps a catch-up on The West Wing video tape and then rest.

SS R. Eye

I got up early today....somehow. (The "somehow" was for Randy. He he he) The Jack in the Box that I had for dinner at midnight is still in my stomach and I'm feeling sluggish.

What if anthrax has always been in our environment and we're only now LOOKING for it?

There's this growing list of people that I should call back. I've been slacking. This time of the year again and I can so feel the change in my attitude. I keep waking up telling myself that I need to run, excercise, eat better---like these are things that my body & mind are telling me, not things that infomercials have drummed into me. But the depressed feelings win out and I stand still rather than take action. (Laughable: I think a banana might help.)

early rousing

I'm up too early. It must have been the Red Bull that I drank before going to sleep. That, or maybe this elevated heart rate from dancing. I didn't actually goto bed until about 3:30. All I know is that I'm here typing now after updating my ledger balance for yesterday's expenses. So far, so good. Not overdrawn and still within my budget for the month. (Only 7 days left)

Yesterday I got Mark to come out to see me speak at Orange Coast College. The main reason was just to have him see me speak, but I also wanted to see if it was something that he'd want to do himself. The class was "just okay." But I think there may be some interest. We shared conversation over Jack in the Box and then went out to Mickey's last night to dance. He has his 10 year high school reunion this weekend. It would be nice if I could take a road trip up to Sacramento; the drive would do me some good.

Randy has befriended the neighbors. ((Clarification point: the "neighbors" reference in the prior entry had nothing to do with our actual neighbors.)) I've been my normal keep-to-myself self but stopped by their front window before going out last night and introduced myself. Apparently Jimmy--who shares his bedroom wall with ours and whose window is inches from our window--has heard us having sex. Lovely.

Sarah is now 14. Frederic is 31. I have a couple phone calls to return.

The DanceSafe meeting last night revealed an organization in shambles. Mark says I'm not one to over-dramatize, but maybe I am on this subject. Four of the current six board members for our local chapter are quitting. There were only three of us at the meeting last night. (General chapter meeting) I've decided to dive back in as more than just a fund raiser. It's that avalanche I was talking about. Maybe I just had a premonition or something.

I still feel something else in the air.

aging fingers

This avalanche of community service is falling down on me again. I've done all I want to do for tonight and I away a call from UCI tomorrow and maybe some communication with Planned Parenthood. (Not to be mistaken with Clitoral Hoods)

College time. In some ways I'm still hopeful that I will experience that life of the road I did not take. In a lot of reality though, I already know that it's gone. I caught a glimpse--and probably the only reason I'm typing tonight--of this completely developmental time in one's life where boundaries are tested and sometimes crossed. I still am uncomfortable venturing outside of my box most of the time.

What ruthless rigor the grasp of getting along with the neighbors at the expense of getting along with one's self.

mobilizing

I missed a day. That means I get to start all over again at one. So...today, day one. Shit.

I just had a good meeting with Paula from the Youth Drop-In center in Garden Grove. We were brainstorming ideas for ways to get younger (18-25) speakers for PFLAG. She & I are doing a panel together next Tuesday so we'll compare notes and progress then.

I think I'm gonna get a game of Armada in before Randy gets home.

muttered garbles

Class over. Tuna sandwich finished. I still have that faint headache & neck stiffness that I had four hours ago before school. Though I felt productive today, I'm just feeling drained of energy dealing with other people. So drained.

Best time to feel this way I guess. My "weekend" is upon me. Technically, right now is my Friday Night. Part of me feels like it's wasted because I can't go out like I might on a regular Friday Night. I am writing my e-mail to tell people about a night for the housewarming party, so I guess it's not totally wasted.

Randy's pissed at me. I don't think I'll be sleeping in bed tonight. I don't like going to bed angry, but then, I'm not the one angry. I wish there were some color symbol on my forehead that could indicate to the rest of the world when to approach me and when to just stay away. Sometimes even my words--though I think I'm clear--are not. My body is pulsing heat right now. I think the correct stage was what we went over in class tonight: companionate love.

j.r.me

committment

Yeah...day two. Woo hoo.

SO there's this sketcher's model on my wallpaper. No big whoop. (I can hear Art saying that like that one character.)

Time to go have sex now. YEAH!

=)

j.r.me

habit forming

Day one of 21. I'm writing. It doesn't have to be anything special, just something. My my my... how against randomness is that.

short descriptions

girl asked a couple of days ago how we, the panel, felt about Matthew Sheappard's death. I related the experience--three years ago--to Christians who goto church on Christmas & Easter; gays who get emotional & irate for a short term and then they forget and move on until the next big cause comes along.

The days are getting darker faster and I have this headache that keeps digging deeper.

Lorena will be in town for the week between x-mas & New Year's. Dinner, definitely dinner.

Tracy's Andrew turned 10 last week. She's having a slumber party this weekend.

I just want quiet right now. Peacefulness, but I can't find it.

scatter matter

I was laying in bed staring out into the bedroom air thinking some thoughts. Why not write them down?

I was talking online to Chuck last night and I awoke this morning with a sense of sadness at his lack of love for himself. He's still a little boy, afraid of change, paralyzed from change almost.

Three guys have won the Nobel Prize for creating a 4th state of matter: The Bose-Einstein Condensate. (Who knows if I spelled that right?) Apparently they froze particles with a laser to near absolute zero where atoms are barely moving. And this helps us how? Maybe I'm just short-sighted.

PFLAG came and spoke in our class last night. It was an "okay" panel. I see the speakers---like myslef---getting older and older while the classes stay the same age year over year. Although the issue of being gay is more in our today sense of being, there is still an important element of connection and being able to relate that is a key component for interactive panels. I speak tonight in Calista's class @ Fullerton College.

I have the sheet music from the movie "The Piano" and I have never sat down to try and learn it. Perhaps I'll walk across the street and find a practice room at the college. Better still, maybe I'll leave early to go to Fullerton College this evening, beat the traffic, and spend the extra time in the music practice room there.

Jonathan, from DanceSafe, sent me a nice e-mail this morning/last night. He said that DanceSafe "needs" me. Whether that's true or not, hearing it feeds this part of my ego that likes being fed. I always have thoughts in the back of my head about wanting to get more involved, I'm just not sure that I want to invest the kind of time necessary to do a good job---the same argument I've kept making for myself. I think mostly I know that there will be frustration involved and coming off the heels of what has been going on here the past few months I am not handling frustration very well.

An article for The Blade....planning my b-day party...taking a look around for some liquid or paper. Other thoughts that mingle with the idea of jacking off and reading for class. The mind truly is a terrible thing to waste. =)

void

I'm pretty sure I've always equated managing money with being "grown up." Probably a reason why I've kept a good handle on never keeping a check register and never really knowing how much (or little) money I really have. I feel like one foot is in the grave now that I've actually put down--to the penny--a monthly budget. I think how funny it is that I've had jobs where I manage millions of dollars with efficiency and I can still looked shocked when I get my ATM statement.

I've been in a funk all day. I thought getting home and taking a nap would be good for me. I hate to see what I'd be like right now without that nap. I'm hungry, but not hungry. I want to go out, but want to stay home. I want to go spend some time with Randy but I want to be alone. A flash of body heat, I'm sure I just need to do something and be dissatisfied at the same time.

shadows

Soon Hallowween, then Thanksgiving, a week later my b-day, 20 days later x-mas and then one week after that New Year's. Q4 always shoots by and I'm languid just thinking about this passage of time.

j.r.me