not quite new years

I'm sitting at Randy & Frederic's condo and I'm drunk. My fingers are numb. I have to hit the backspace key several time in order to correct the typos before they appear on the screen. There is a CD in the PowerBook on the TV that plays a song I like....it's a good CD. Randy(not Frederic's...but **mine**... is next to me and holding me while I type....ahh... warmth. I am happy to be here. I know it's simple...and that's the joy of it.

There are sounds coming from the kitchen. Mark...coughing.... and voices. I'm not sure what they're saying but it really doesn't matter. I wish that I could suspend myself in this time forever. There's no responsibility. There's not expectation. There's nothing more than the whim at which wind blows life a crazy curve ball and something glorious happens. (or doesn't.) And that's the point....nothing expected...nothing created other than the ripples of life flowing through each of us. I cry inside to think of the power of this...........(sigh)..... and I think of Nathan not here, sulking at home in a situation created quite by his own hands.

What time doesn't tell me, my instinct feels. One more night of intuition to lead me through a darkness that only lightens with the feel of a drunken body.

g'night

j.r.me

run on

Brain Leak Writing....

listening to DIDO "HERE WITH ME" and typing away at work. I'm not even looking at the screen to see what I'm typing. I migh thave a millioni typos by the time I'm finished with this...f.ree flowing thoughts...no editing...and yet still nothing can capture all of these thoughts........so many. I need to bottle them or something? or isn't that the problem...bottling up feelings and thoughts until they become too much, soooo much.? The music changes and I'm still typing. I hear the sounds of people in other cubes around me and I'm can hear my fingers typing....tatpping...smashing so much faster than anyone else could type similarly around me. I'm infatuated...but that's not a good place to be wholly, is it? infatuation is lacking anything long term. I'm afraid that I may risk a friendhip at the cost of something tempoarary...I mean, what realationship of mine has really lasted? What are the odds that getting to know this new person will be any different? I won't kno w until I try, and that's just the truth of it...end that thought.. I have pictures of Andrew a t my desk next to the poem that I wrote about him as he slept. I wonder how he's doing these days...how Tracy is....what life is like for them now that I don't live with them...how life would've been if I would've continued to lived with them. Would I be the father figure that Warren plays for him now or would i always have been something on the outside not quite there? I was close to writing some last night. I went home after the ASF benefit at Mark's Restaurant and started typing. My eyes quickly grew heavy and I stopped with light on and all....maybe a new way to wake up in the morning...keep my light on all night. I don't stay asleep. Some major lifted stress by having my car sold last night. Beautiful beautiful beautiful knowing that there is money in the bank and that i fneeded I could access it. How long can I keep that up? how long how long...how long can I typ e like this before I drive myself crazy....and I notice that I have so many questions...sosos ossoso many questions but I don't say much..don't really answer them....(((long pause))) Plastic Dreams by JAYDEE.

j.r.me

criss-cross

Irrepairable damage? I may have aided in the destruction of trust with Brian. I may not have. I look at this situation of ex-boyfriends crossing paths with me and think of the simple picture and the complex actions.

Simple requires that emotions not be looked at and that logic be applied. But this is harsh and reflects my ass of a side. How would I like it? I think to myself that had the situation been reversed and handled the same way that I would be intellectually okay with it and emotionally bruised, but not battered. Is this so? Am I so civil? I don't know. I would like to believe so....and so I must.

But believing this instills a sense that others can react the same way; maybe *should* act this way, but that is not for me to decide. So enter in complexity, feelings, friendships. The adult thing...lol. scoff.

j.r.me

bdayparty

This space reserved for uploading the text I wrote at home. (To Be Done at a later date....)

hidden

Tired...so very tired. My body is tired, but my mind even more so. I told that to Mark just a few moments ago online.

There's this bitch that I work with that I want to tell to "FUCK OFF" so badly. If I had another job lead right now I wouldn't hesitate. That whole burning bridges thing be damned right now.

I've noticed a pattern of not writing about things on here that I'm not comfortable with. That's disconcerting as I'm supposed to be airing out those thoughts.

bug off

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

where's my new job?