Control. More than Janet Jackson. More than freaks. More than valves. Control...an illusion exercised for comfort. We drive our cars. Some of us go the speed limit and we believe we're safer because we can react to the world around us with greater pad time. But we have no control over any of the other vehicles on the road. We have no control over our passengers who may choose to act violently or have a medical condition that will distract us.
Control. Over ourselves, our future, our lives. Undoubtedly we exercise control and make our way. Some search for a "comfortable living" where money allows for an ease of living. The ability to pick up and travel far away at a moment's notice or purchase material goods or perhaps just hoard the money away until a rainy day. Others search for a harmony among the world they're in. Materials mean nothing, but people people are everything. It's the soul that holds the ultimate value, and who controls that?
School registration papers arrived in the mail earlier this week. December 8th is my day of decision. I have a thought to take 4 classes. Hell...I can always drop if I can't handle them all. Why do I still have that twinge of failure if I proceed that way? I can see now what the "adults" were referencing when I was younger about telling gifted kids things about themselves. I remember one sub teacher who--in so many words--tried to tell us that there was more to life than what we studied.
I'm lucky to know what I know. I'm humbled to know I know very little. I'm hoping that despite anyone's perceived shortcomings that they are able to walk side by side in this coming era.
j.r.me
Thursday, November 30, 2000
Wednesday, November 29, 2000
food thoughts
I spoke with my boss today about my unhappiness here at Ingram. I expressed how I would much rather be teaching or spending my time in a teaching capacity rather than here. I didn't know what I hoped to accomplish, but I did know that keeping in the discomfort was causing me more stress while at work. (while here now) She suggested a training position within Ingram. I'm looking into that more tomorrow.
Art sent me an e-mail today. We're having dinner tomorrow. I'm truly intrigued. He, like any other love of my life is allowed a path back at anytime for at least one discussion. That usually leaves room for a continued friendship. Lanny's path right now leaves room for a continued life.
What do I want for dinner? I wish ice cream qualified as dinner. (well...I mean everynight)
j.r.me
Art sent me an e-mail today. We're having dinner tomorrow. I'm truly intrigued. He, like any other love of my life is allowed a path back at anytime for at least one discussion. That usually leaves room for a continued friendship. Lanny's path right now leaves room for a continued life.
What do I want for dinner? I wish ice cream qualified as dinner. (well...I mean everynight)
j.r.me
Sunday, November 26, 2000
Lusion
"Stirring and stirring and stirring my brew...."
-some Halloween song from elementary school
I'm on this fence and the power of making a decision decides who I am with and what I do in life. Growing up, they call it that. Strange that growing up means different things to so many, but generally that it means taking responsibility and being productive. I suppose I'm not that strong.
Lanny & I spent a great deal of time talking these past Thanksgiving Days. I've had a few deeply cutting conversations, not just with Lanny, but with Andy as well. In all conversations, allowing my thoughts to flow out without filtering them was the honest approach that lets me sleep at night.
I take up trying to find reason to my madness sometimes. Like why would I pursue the boy from the last entry if Lanny and I are talking about our love being really put together again? Is it a way to force me to fail? Or am I using instinct to choose something right? Or is it something I haven't seen or thought of? I think my next conversation with Lanny will discover these answers for me. I think I already know in my heart that the boy represents a party side of fun that I have just about run my course with. I know that Lanny represents a love that will force me to be the man that I have always known I could be, and have been before. These distractions, the initiative to meet new people and expand for me is just a way that I don't have to focus on myself as much. One might say that I am growing and learning by contacting new people.
The weekend kisses were delicious. I was projecting a feeling onto him because I couldn't reach out and touch Lanny. This self-restraint of sexual energy is my only proof. Wake me up.
j.r.me
-some Halloween song from elementary school
I'm on this fence and the power of making a decision decides who I am with and what I do in life. Growing up, they call it that. Strange that growing up means different things to so many, but generally that it means taking responsibility and being productive. I suppose I'm not that strong.
Lanny & I spent a great deal of time talking these past Thanksgiving Days. I've had a few deeply cutting conversations, not just with Lanny, but with Andy as well. In all conversations, allowing my thoughts to flow out without filtering them was the honest approach that lets me sleep at night.
I take up trying to find reason to my madness sometimes. Like why would I pursue the boy from the last entry if Lanny and I are talking about our love being really put together again? Is it a way to force me to fail? Or am I using instinct to choose something right? Or is it something I haven't seen or thought of? I think my next conversation with Lanny will discover these answers for me. I think I already know in my heart that the boy represents a party side of fun that I have just about run my course with. I know that Lanny represents a love that will force me to be the man that I have always known I could be, and have been before. These distractions, the initiative to meet new people and expand for me is just a way that I don't have to focus on myself as much. One might say that I am growing and learning by contacting new people.
The weekend kisses were delicious. I was projecting a feeling onto him because I couldn't reach out and touch Lanny. This self-restraint of sexual energy is my only proof. Wake me up.
j.r.me
Monday, November 20, 2000
Coffee, Tea & Me
It's now Monday, the 20th of November and I finally made it into work. (Only 2 1/2 hours late...hmm.. anyone got any job openings? haha-- semi serious) I've broken this recollection up into COFFEE, TEA & ME sections. Who knew I could feel this creative anymore. =)
SATURDAY STIMULANT--Coffee
2:30am
We leave Costa Mesa to one of our communities' favorite "watering" (literally) holes, The Red Eye @ The Ruby building, produced by Canboy Productions. (Garrett Kimball & Will Gorges) I did not attend ICON and therefore cannot comment on anything, nor do I think it's fair to forward opinions by my fellow friends. Let them find time to post if they thought it was that bad. =) I personally chose The Red Eye over ICON not because of the crowd, the music, or anything logical like that. I've been lusting after a boy for a few months and had word that he would be at The Red Eye. Is this the start of a stalking career?
3:15am
Arrival. To our surprise there's a line out front. =( Luckily for me, big, baggy raver pants made of nylon act as the perfect wind-breaker. After being in line for about 5 minutes, Garrett yelled out to the crowd that the coat check was already full and the leave our coats in our cars. Pshaw! I decided to take my chances with finding a dark spot inside the venue and to leave it there. It worked out fine.
Being that I am a Board Member for DanceSafe, I cannot risk the organization by carrying *vitamins* on me at any time. So standard procedure before going into a club is to *drop* and then get in line. Usually, the timing of waiting in line, getting in & starting to dance coincides perfectly with the onset. Tonight, the lack of food & increased heart rate from the cold elements had my hearing *changed* by the time I presented my I.D. to security at the front of the line.
3:30am to....Timeline Blur
While the rest of my entourage made headway to the bathroom stalls and bartenders, I heard the tribal drum & bass sounds of the main room. My assessment of DJ PAULO was that he kept the crowd pleased, free & moving; to me, these are the gifts of a talented DJ. That's my objective viewpoint. My personal preference of music however is not drum & bass, jungle, or any heavy house. Trance, in all of it's many variations is my passion on the floor, so as quickly as the initial beats pulled me into the main room, I quickly sought out the back room.
I was the 2nd person in there on the floor. It looked as though DJ WES ADAMS had just started his set. The song was Janet Jackson's latest from that *Nutty* movie. The room filled steadily. When my friends, Randy & Frederic, and Nathan found me I think I had lost (discarded) my shirt already. Nathan, being the close friend that he is came over to me to let me know that he bought me glowsticks while at the bar. =) Danke! Soon after starting my light show I glimpsed the boy I'd been distantly gazing upon the past few months and said hi. With heightened senses, I quickly gleaned that his state of mind was nowhere near a standstill & chat mode and he was off bouncing around just as quickly as he had come by. **sigh**
Timeline Blur....3:30 quickly turned into the-god-damn-sun-is-up-already and I overheard someone say it was past 7am. Could it be true? The back room closed which is when I first introduced myself to Garrett Kimball. I had spoken on the phone & e-mailed Canboy about having a DanceSafe table inside the event in the side smoking room. I brought a cover letter and sample of our literature for them and their staff to have. This seemed apropos as up to this point I had witnessed security have to carry/escort three individuals out of the main dance areas. People....DO NOT leave your friends unattended when using Gina. ((The DanceSafe PSA for the day...=))
Not having a choice in music now, my friends and I retreated to the couch/booth area opposite the main stage. The ambient darkness made for a great chill period with the occasional leap to feet for a song or two. The boy fluttered to & fro and I was in a happy space admiring. There's something to be said about keeping some thoughts or actions in fantasy, never having to have them crushed by the reality of getting to know someone. Hahaha...wow, did I really type that? I suppose that's the pragmatism of lusting.
9:00am--ish
The buzz question circulating is, "Are you going to go to Church?" This was a foreign question to me in many ways. Firstly, being the agnostic, raised catholic guy that I am, "HELL NO!" I'm not going to church came to mind. Then it was explained that "Church" was a euphemism for "Spike." While I've heard Spike described as the local dive and a hell in itself, I'd describe it more as PURGATORY; a conglomeration of those sobering up, those continuing their siteless journey and those standing on the outside just to be somewhere--to be part of something.
Only one funny occurrence. Randy had brough back popsicles at one point and I decided to try and deep throat the damn thing. Frustrated because the coldness of the popsicle quickly stuck to the wetness of the inside of my mouth. To compensate, I licked the entire popsicle making sure everything was wet. This allowed me to complete the task of getting the whole popsicle in my mouth/throat. Just as I closed my lips around the bottom of the stick, the popsicle broke in half, leaving the top half lodged in my throat. Randy & Frederic are laughing because I'm sure deep throating a popsicle looked just absurd, but I can't speak to inform them of my predicament. I tried squeezing my throat muscles to crush the popsicle but that wasn't working. I was also running out of air and felt the pressure buidling up in my lungs. With two options left (as I saw it), cough it up or try & dislodge it by ramming pressure against my diaphram, I breathed in through my nose and coughed. Up comes the popsicle...airway clear.
Nathan had left early on from Spike to get to a job, Randy & Frederic were with me until leaving Spike around noon. Leaving the pitch darkness of Spike and stepping foot into the bright sunlight of construction laden Santa Monica Blvd. is squinting shock on the eyes. Bring sunglasses.
1:00pm--We're Hungry...let's eat
I decide I'm treating to a lunch at Claim Jumper. We order, and in the back of my mind I'm remembering the portions of food are going to be ridiculously abundant. Some friends here have deemed that McDonalds should have a new combo meal size. Instead of "Super Size," they were thinking, "Circuit Size" which consists of (3) fries, (1) Chicken McNugget & a water that McD's could charge for $10 and we'd pay it is the really crazy part. Alas, this needed commodity does not yet exist and our food arrived in the size of continents. I think we all finished a few bites and then boxed the rest. Which reminds me....dinner tonight. =)
2:00pm--Home
Our 12 hour party stint reached it's end. I promised that as soon as I was finished driving and parking that my head would be down on the floor and I'd be out. I always keep my word. Zonk...zzzzzz
SUNDAY SNOOZE--TEA
4:30pm
Since my first time hearing Phil B @ Mass in San Francisco over Labor Day weekend 1999, I have rarely missed an opportunity to hear and watch him spin. Yes...watch him. Randy & Frederic decided that they would not be joining at ICON for the Tea Dance. Nathan called to inform me that he would be arriving to leave around 6:30. (I know better and 6:30 really meant 7pm...giggle) The two hours or so that I did sleep were quite refreshing. REAL vitamins with my food before sleep: B-Complex(150), C(500mg), E(400iu), Mutli, 5htp(100mg). The only pain I felt was in my throat. It felt sore & raw. I'm guessing that the popsicle did a pretty good job on me. (rather than vice versa).
8:00pm
Arrival. Knowing that we would only have four hours, I felt that I should make every moment count, but in comparison with the previous night, those four hours felt much longer--in a good way. Perhaps my body was tired, perhaps I was dancing more this night and made myself tired, but Phil's spinning seemed to go on and on. The energy level on the dance floor was high, the stage even higher. Thank you Phil for passing on the name of "Blue Disco Cop" by Blue Adonis to me. (Song I've loved for some time but never knew the name of.)
Though I had been introduced before, I got to spend time actually talking with some of Nathan's friends: Bruce, Ruben, and **the boy.** =) Oh yeah...forgot to mention that I knew he'd be at ICON as well. =P In altered states, it's difficult for me to see if there is a genuine return in attraction or if one is just acting on impulse. The boy (who does have a name but I'm respecting his privacy) didn't show any signs overtly of the former so I smiled and continued to enjoy myself dancing. I believe that the ICON layout lends itself to a *friendlier* atmosphere and more of a *homey* feel.
Thirst quenching drew me to the bar at one point. Again, even the bartenders at ICON have a friendliness about them that comes across more so than at other venues. Not that other venues have rude bartenders, don't get me wrong. As coincidence or fate would have it, the boy was getting a gatorade. I too wanted one---umm...of the gatorade that is. **wink**
This was the first time I had really been alone with him without other friends or either of ours around. We exchanged hi's and made small talk. The boy's flattery of guessing my age to be 21/22 was endearing. That, or a show of how high he was. =) Carpe Noctum I thought in my head so, "You're too cute." came out of my mouth. Then I remembered how stupid that sounds. Too cute? Cute is a totally subjective thing for individual likes & dislikes. So I quickly followed up with, "Well, not TOO cute, but cute to me." He smiled and leaned over and gave me a kiss...Talk about a natural high.
As a group, a pair, as individuals, the night played on and the dancing ached every part of my body but I didn't care. It was a duly needed release from a stressful world that I exist in every day because I value certain ideals like integrity, responsibility & accountability. How lovely if I could throw them away at whim.
Though the first kiss was quite innocent, he saw that I had a tongue ring later and I learned that he definitely hit the mark with my kissing standard. Boy did it hit the mark.
MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM--ME
1:00am
Nathan, The boy and myself drove in my car. After ICON there was talk of heading to RAGE or SPIKE, but we ended up at Ruben's place just talking the night away. In addition to the previous names, Bruce & Mark were also there.
My indoctrination into the various levels of drug-related cultures shows me different things at different times. I have worked hard at toning down my judgement in favor of understanding as this is the only true way of sharing with people who are not looking to change their habits. This is still hard for me to do overall. Crack pipes, bongs, bumpers & G-Cocktails; a slippery slope to some, everyday words to the side of my DanceSafe cause. Bumping is not my thing, neither is smoking anything in general. Being--in my opinion--one of the less educated substances out there, I had my G cocktail. (G & G...GHB & Gatorade)
2:00am?
I think this is when I passed out. All I remember is the boy and I kissing on the floor. We're in full view of the others and yet rolling around, lips locked. I remember thinking in my head that there were people there. I heard some comment about get the video camera. I just really wasn't embarrassed, though true, not much does embarrass me anyway.
4:00am
I awake to hear Bruce saying, "See...it always works." The boy is amazed. Apparently telling someone that it's time to go while they're asleep and/or "crossed over" will snap them into consciousness. Hmm...I'll chalk this up to conincedence. Or maybe the fuckers were just being really noisy. =) The boy's shirt was off and I don't remember doing that. I don't think I did, actually. I fell asleep again.
5:00am
I hear the voice of Nathan telling me that I need to get up so that I can drive us home. I'm spooning--one of my favorite positions to sleep in--and don't want to get up. Others were already calling in sick, but not I. No...executive meetings are generally not things to miss. Not good.
Nathan & I get back to Orange County about 6:30am. It took me 30 minutes to say my goodbyes...haha. Truth be told, I sometimes wish I didn't have a moral imperative about certain values. It causes me to be less decisive in circumstances than others who can discard thoughts. I don't know what I think it will benefit or gain me in the long run, nor that it will necessarily be to my detriment. I must ultimately conclude that it is fear that keeps me where I am as fear is usually the answer to anything that cannot be logically explained.
So today has been dragging...and the executive meeting? Cancelled 30 minutes before it was supposed to happen. Fate or coincidence, I don't know which one. All I do know is that I'm tired and tonight a restful sleep alone will do me unspeakable joy. (lol...I had to throw that in at the end.)
j.r.me
SATURDAY STIMULANT--Coffee
2:30am
We leave Costa Mesa to one of our communities' favorite "watering" (literally) holes, The Red Eye @ The Ruby building, produced by Canboy Productions. (Garrett Kimball & Will Gorges) I did not attend ICON and therefore cannot comment on anything, nor do I think it's fair to forward opinions by my fellow friends. Let them find time to post if they thought it was that bad. =) I personally chose The Red Eye over ICON not because of the crowd, the music, or anything logical like that. I've been lusting after a boy for a few months and had word that he would be at The Red Eye. Is this the start of a stalking career?
3:15am
Arrival. To our surprise there's a line out front. =( Luckily for me, big, baggy raver pants made of nylon act as the perfect wind-breaker. After being in line for about 5 minutes, Garrett yelled out to the crowd that the coat check was already full and the leave our coats in our cars. Pshaw! I decided to take my chances with finding a dark spot inside the venue and to leave it there. It worked out fine.
Being that I am a Board Member for DanceSafe, I cannot risk the organization by carrying *vitamins* on me at any time. So standard procedure before going into a club is to *drop* and then get in line. Usually, the timing of waiting in line, getting in & starting to dance coincides perfectly with the onset. Tonight, the lack of food & increased heart rate from the cold elements had my hearing *changed* by the time I presented my I.D. to security at the front of the line.
3:30am to....Timeline Blur
While the rest of my entourage made headway to the bathroom stalls and bartenders, I heard the tribal drum & bass sounds of the main room. My assessment of DJ PAULO was that he kept the crowd pleased, free & moving; to me, these are the gifts of a talented DJ. That's my objective viewpoint. My personal preference of music however is not drum & bass, jungle, or any heavy house. Trance, in all of it's many variations is my passion on the floor, so as quickly as the initial beats pulled me into the main room, I quickly sought out the back room.
I was the 2nd person in there on the floor. It looked as though DJ WES ADAMS had just started his set. The song was Janet Jackson's latest from that *Nutty* movie. The room filled steadily. When my friends, Randy & Frederic, and Nathan found me I think I had lost (discarded) my shirt already. Nathan, being the close friend that he is came over to me to let me know that he bought me glowsticks while at the bar. =) Danke! Soon after starting my light show I glimpsed the boy I'd been distantly gazing upon the past few months and said hi. With heightened senses, I quickly gleaned that his state of mind was nowhere near a standstill & chat mode and he was off bouncing around just as quickly as he had come by. **sigh**
Timeline Blur....3:30 quickly turned into the-god-damn-sun-is-up-already and I overheard someone say it was past 7am. Could it be true? The back room closed which is when I first introduced myself to Garrett Kimball. I had spoken on the phone & e-mailed Canboy about having a DanceSafe table inside the event in the side smoking room. I brought a cover letter and sample of our literature for them and their staff to have. This seemed apropos as up to this point I had witnessed security have to carry/escort three individuals out of the main dance areas. People....DO NOT leave your friends unattended when using Gina. ((The DanceSafe PSA for the day...=))
Not having a choice in music now, my friends and I retreated to the couch/booth area opposite the main stage. The ambient darkness made for a great chill period with the occasional leap to feet for a song or two. The boy fluttered to & fro and I was in a happy space admiring. There's something to be said about keeping some thoughts or actions in fantasy, never having to have them crushed by the reality of getting to know someone. Hahaha...wow, did I really type that? I suppose that's the pragmatism of lusting.
9:00am--ish
The buzz question circulating is, "Are you going to go to Church?" This was a foreign question to me in many ways. Firstly, being the agnostic, raised catholic guy that I am, "HELL NO!" I'm not going to church came to mind. Then it was explained that "Church" was a euphemism for "Spike." While I've heard Spike described as the local dive and a hell in itself, I'd describe it more as PURGATORY; a conglomeration of those sobering up, those continuing their siteless journey and those standing on the outside just to be somewhere--to be part of something.
Only one funny occurrence. Randy had brough back popsicles at one point and I decided to try and deep throat the damn thing. Frustrated because the coldness of the popsicle quickly stuck to the wetness of the inside of my mouth. To compensate, I licked the entire popsicle making sure everything was wet. This allowed me to complete the task of getting the whole popsicle in my mouth/throat. Just as I closed my lips around the bottom of the stick, the popsicle broke in half, leaving the top half lodged in my throat. Randy & Frederic are laughing because I'm sure deep throating a popsicle looked just absurd, but I can't speak to inform them of my predicament. I tried squeezing my throat muscles to crush the popsicle but that wasn't working. I was also running out of air and felt the pressure buidling up in my lungs. With two options left (as I saw it), cough it up or try & dislodge it by ramming pressure against my diaphram, I breathed in through my nose and coughed. Up comes the popsicle...airway clear.
Nathan had left early on from Spike to get to a job, Randy & Frederic were with me until leaving Spike around noon. Leaving the pitch darkness of Spike and stepping foot into the bright sunlight of construction laden Santa Monica Blvd. is squinting shock on the eyes. Bring sunglasses.
1:00pm--We're Hungry...let's eat
I decide I'm treating to a lunch at Claim Jumper. We order, and in the back of my mind I'm remembering the portions of food are going to be ridiculously abundant. Some friends here have deemed that McDonalds should have a new combo meal size. Instead of "Super Size," they were thinking, "Circuit Size" which consists of (3) fries, (1) Chicken McNugget & a water that McD's could charge for $10 and we'd pay it is the really crazy part. Alas, this needed commodity does not yet exist and our food arrived in the size of continents. I think we all finished a few bites and then boxed the rest. Which reminds me....dinner tonight. =)
2:00pm--Home
Our 12 hour party stint reached it's end. I promised that as soon as I was finished driving and parking that my head would be down on the floor and I'd be out. I always keep my word. Zonk...zzzzzz
SUNDAY SNOOZE--TEA
4:30pm
Since my first time hearing Phil B @ Mass in San Francisco over Labor Day weekend 1999, I have rarely missed an opportunity to hear and watch him spin. Yes...watch him. Randy & Frederic decided that they would not be joining at ICON for the Tea Dance. Nathan called to inform me that he would be arriving to leave around 6:30. (I know better and 6:30 really meant 7pm...giggle) The two hours or so that I did sleep were quite refreshing. REAL vitamins with my food before sleep: B-Complex(150), C(500mg), E(400iu), Mutli, 5htp(100mg). The only pain I felt was in my throat. It felt sore & raw. I'm guessing that the popsicle did a pretty good job on me. (rather than vice versa).
8:00pm
Arrival. Knowing that we would only have four hours, I felt that I should make every moment count, but in comparison with the previous night, those four hours felt much longer--in a good way. Perhaps my body was tired, perhaps I was dancing more this night and made myself tired, but Phil's spinning seemed to go on and on. The energy level on the dance floor was high, the stage even higher. Thank you Phil for passing on the name of "Blue Disco Cop" by Blue Adonis to me. (Song I've loved for some time but never knew the name of.)
Though I had been introduced before, I got to spend time actually talking with some of Nathan's friends: Bruce, Ruben, and **the boy.** =) Oh yeah...forgot to mention that I knew he'd be at ICON as well. =P In altered states, it's difficult for me to see if there is a genuine return in attraction or if one is just acting on impulse. The boy (who does have a name but I'm respecting his privacy) didn't show any signs overtly of the former so I smiled and continued to enjoy myself dancing. I believe that the ICON layout lends itself to a *friendlier* atmosphere and more of a *homey* feel.
Thirst quenching drew me to the bar at one point. Again, even the bartenders at ICON have a friendliness about them that comes across more so than at other venues. Not that other venues have rude bartenders, don't get me wrong. As coincidence or fate would have it, the boy was getting a gatorade. I too wanted one---umm...of the gatorade that is. **wink**
This was the first time I had really been alone with him without other friends or either of ours around. We exchanged hi's and made small talk. The boy's flattery of guessing my age to be 21/22 was endearing. That, or a show of how high he was. =) Carpe Noctum I thought in my head so, "You're too cute." came out of my mouth. Then I remembered how stupid that sounds. Too cute? Cute is a totally subjective thing for individual likes & dislikes. So I quickly followed up with, "Well, not TOO cute, but cute to me." He smiled and leaned over and gave me a kiss...Talk about a natural high.
As a group, a pair, as individuals, the night played on and the dancing ached every part of my body but I didn't care. It was a duly needed release from a stressful world that I exist in every day because I value certain ideals like integrity, responsibility & accountability. How lovely if I could throw them away at whim.
Though the first kiss was quite innocent, he saw that I had a tongue ring later and I learned that he definitely hit the mark with my kissing standard. Boy did it hit the mark.
MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM--ME
1:00am
Nathan, The boy and myself drove in my car. After ICON there was talk of heading to RAGE or SPIKE, but we ended up at Ruben's place just talking the night away. In addition to the previous names, Bruce & Mark were also there.
My indoctrination into the various levels of drug-related cultures shows me different things at different times. I have worked hard at toning down my judgement in favor of understanding as this is the only true way of sharing with people who are not looking to change their habits. This is still hard for me to do overall. Crack pipes, bongs, bumpers & G-Cocktails; a slippery slope to some, everyday words to the side of my DanceSafe cause. Bumping is not my thing, neither is smoking anything in general. Being--in my opinion--one of the less educated substances out there, I had my G cocktail. (G & G...GHB & Gatorade)
2:00am?
I think this is when I passed out. All I remember is the boy and I kissing on the floor. We're in full view of the others and yet rolling around, lips locked. I remember thinking in my head that there were people there. I heard some comment about get the video camera. I just really wasn't embarrassed, though true, not much does embarrass me anyway.
4:00am
I awake to hear Bruce saying, "See...it always works." The boy is amazed. Apparently telling someone that it's time to go while they're asleep and/or "crossed over" will snap them into consciousness. Hmm...I'll chalk this up to conincedence. Or maybe the fuckers were just being really noisy. =) The boy's shirt was off and I don't remember doing that. I don't think I did, actually. I fell asleep again.
5:00am
I hear the voice of Nathan telling me that I need to get up so that I can drive us home. I'm spooning--one of my favorite positions to sleep in--and don't want to get up. Others were already calling in sick, but not I. No...executive meetings are generally not things to miss. Not good.
Nathan & I get back to Orange County about 6:30am. It took me 30 minutes to say my goodbyes...haha. Truth be told, I sometimes wish I didn't have a moral imperative about certain values. It causes me to be less decisive in circumstances than others who can discard thoughts. I don't know what I think it will benefit or gain me in the long run, nor that it will necessarily be to my detriment. I must ultimately conclude that it is fear that keeps me where I am as fear is usually the answer to anything that cannot be logically explained.
So today has been dragging...and the executive meeting? Cancelled 30 minutes before it was supposed to happen. Fate or coincidence, I don't know which one. All I do know is that I'm tired and tonight a restful sleep alone will do me unspeakable joy. (lol...I had to throw that in at the end.)
j.r.me
Sunday, November 12, 2000
Apathy
Leaving friends' apartment this morning, I walked over three smashed cigarette boxes on the pavement about 20 feet from my car. An additional 20 feet from my car was a garbage dumpster. The thought occurred to me that maybe I should pick up the boxes and through them away but I left them sitting in the street.
About an hour ago I stopped at TOGO's to get a tuna sandwich. While the boy (very cute) was preparing my sandwich, there were 4-5 other employees standing around talking to one another behind the counter. One started doing a voice imitation of an Asian person, with stereotypical inflections, making fun of the way some people cannot speak clearly to be understood. I was not personally offended...what does personally offend me these days? ((And maybe that's the point of all this writing)) But what's more, I didn't say anything. I didn't mention that I myself was 1/2 Asian or bother to point out that it was highly inappropriate to be making such jokes.
Have I become that indifferent? And what was that mumble about being the change that one wishes in the world. ((sigh)) I think it's time to think loudly again.
j.r.me
About an hour ago I stopped at TOGO's to get a tuna sandwich. While the boy (very cute) was preparing my sandwich, there were 4-5 other employees standing around talking to one another behind the counter. One started doing a voice imitation of an Asian person, with stereotypical inflections, making fun of the way some people cannot speak clearly to be understood. I was not personally offended...what does personally offend me these days? ((And maybe that's the point of all this writing)) But what's more, I didn't say anything. I didn't mention that I myself was 1/2 Asian or bother to point out that it was highly inappropriate to be making such jokes.
Have I become that indifferent? And what was that mumble about being the change that one wishes in the world. ((sigh)) I think it's time to think loudly again.
j.r.me
