Effortless Energy

All through the years, I have been genuinely perplexed EACH time a person has expressed that I "get them." It has always been expressed as a unique or rare understanding of them. For me, it is simple sensory observation. I have never known any different way of learning/reading someone.

Tonight, I'm having one of my Dumb Genius moments. Jeremy, why wouldn't people react this way? I only have to look at any of the relationships throughout the entirety of my life and can count on a hand the number of times I have felt someone truly understood me.  I'm beginning to realize tonight ...
... Weird.... (I've paused several seconds) ...I'm having a very deja vu moment--as if what I'm trying to write tonight has processed in my mind before...

Hmmmm

Listening to Lakes in Lots

Sometimes the best surprises are born when I force myself to be in a situation that I am not sure about.  These are times when instinct doesn't immediately give me a green or a red light.  I could use the metaphor of being "on the fence" to illustrate these times, but that's not always the case.  Sometimes, I believe I may just not know--the uneasiness of the unknown.  True, not all of these situations bare positive surprises, but today was one of the initially mentioned times. 

Lunch in West Hollywood with people a group of people who are not close friends; who actually started out as customers from a former place of business some six years ago.  I had my first "Manhattan" drink at The Abbey with Steve & Reed, Brian and Brian's friend, Jeff.  The company of older gay men as I age is an evolving experience.  It involves the wisdom that comes with time in selecting friends, overcoming my own ignorance and prejudice and also listening to the instincts that may not give explanation as to why or why not.

Seeing the tortured soul--and not my own--brings forth a frustrating emotion the more I understand an individual.  I find it building walls or selecting primal survival choices to live in this cultural where "it's not my problem" is a mantra made too easy to milk these days.  (Any time frame, perhaps.)  I wonder if this feeling that arises in me is anything similar to what others see when they look at me.

The Passing of Peep

The rain starts to pound so hard as I break down... I haven't cried like this since the many months after
Randy died. My fingers shake so much that it's easier to just collapse into my blanket and get to the point of hyperventilating while I play Esthero's "GO" on never-ending repeat.  As much as I believe in celebrating someone's life, and want that for others when I'm gone, I don't think you can be a healthy human without first grieving the loss.  Everyone's grief grows or becomes grounded within the brambles of memories made with a lost loved one.

Tyler was this bright, beaming bundle of an 18 year old boy when I met him on Randy's Costa Mesa condo doorstep.  This was an era of a thing called AOL.  His presence would be brief, but poignant and marked with a meaning that will remain with me until I see "them all" again.


Keep your head in the clouds, Peep.  That's why you're beautiful.




LYRICS:
I’ve always been on the run
And I thought I could chase the sun
Without breaking his heart.
The truth is when all is said and done,
It was over before we even started, yeah.

I told you I’m not afraid
And you said, “I wish I could feel the same,
But I won’t have a friend.
The truth is you ought to leave this town, girl,
Don’t ever look back and keep your head in the clouds,
That’s why you’re beautiful."

Go, see how far you can reach.
And baby, don’t look back until you get exactly what you need.
‘cause there’s no shortage of your possibilities.
So, baby, don’t come back until you get exactly what you need.
You won’t find it in me

I’m finally here and I’m living a dream (I'm living my dream)
And I’m playing the part of a star on the screen.
(In this movie that I always knew I would be in)
It’s crazy we see things for what they’ve been,
I keep asking myself “is this really happening to me?”

He told me
Go, see how far you can reach.
And baby, don’t look back until you get exactly what you need.
‘cause there’s no shortage of possibilities.
So, baby, don’t come back until you get exactly what you need.
You won’t find it in me, no matter what you believe.

My mother is full of grace,
And my daddy still lives at the same old place
At the side of the hill, at the corner of town,
The days are still long and the roads are still dusty
It’s been a full year, but I come home when I can.

But now I need to
Go, see how far I can reach.
And I’m not coming back until I get exactly what I need.
‘cause there are no shortage of possibilities.
And God, right now I’m asking, won’t you give me something to believe,
I need to,
But now I need to
Go, see how far I can reach.
I’m not looking back until I get exactly what I need.
‘cause there is no shortage of possibilities.
Baby, don’t come back until you get exactly what you need.
You will find all you need, but you’ve got to believe.

I’ve always been on the road,
And I, I thought I could chase the sun.

Making the Most of Matters Matters (Yes)

I'm in a George Michael music mood tonight.  Dallas, TX.  I've been here four days now; three more before heading back home.  That moment in time when exs decide to see each other for the first time since ending their relationship and allowing a "sufficient amount" of time as a space cushion to move is an occurrence that I'm realizing right at this second that is pretty rare in my life since I have so few serious relationships.  Last Wednesday was the first time since 2003 that I've had this "moment."  However, today, was really the first time that the two of us were alone and could have an open and candid conversation.  I don't think it would make a difference how many times in my life this moment were to materialize, but I do think that as I get older, the way in which the time is approached and "lived" becomes much more...


The questions have begun from past Summer co-workers if I will be returning for yet another EF Long Beach experience this year.  I sent an email to the Site Manager to see if they need staff still.  Joel (KINder) mentioned that since he's known me that when I'm working there in the Summer it seems to be when he's seen me happiest.  No doubt, there is a sincere joy that comes out of the time with the kids; sharing the world I grew up in with cultures from around the world and making genuine connections with a few people along the way.  This year, I may have to forgo the opportunity if it arises to alleviate my more immediate circumstances.


Philip proposed to Lindsay today. "Duh" was the answer.  Loved watching the video.  Sarah and I had one of our multi-hour long phone conversations today.  Love listens.  Hugs heal. Our progress to peace may be pot-holed along the way; bumpy roads move brothers & sisters to silly streams of laughter.  (Passing the time over the long haul while crossing the places that are necessary to become better)


SMH... hahaha...  dynamics of Dallas.

Never Wasted Words

Just finished watching The Adjustment Bureau. The movie, Collateral, is beginning...

Vulnerability. Intimacy. Wisdom. Communication.

Sentient Sadness

Ralphie B - Ragnarok (Lounge Mix) I come to this writing thing because it used to do something for me. As the years pass and I attempt to make words join together, there is less and less that comes out that makes me feel better or seems coherent. (Right here I have already paused and don't know what more to type) I am away from people. They are away from me. However it's stated, the distance is hurting me. In a constant state of pain it does become normal and the question from others that is more conversational than caring, "How are you?" seems to have no way of being spoken without an awkwardness that leaves them uncomfortable or speachless. I understand now why people put on weight when they get older and are unhappy. Because even doing the simple things that you know can make things better are left undone. There was a time when I believed that the strength came from within, but now I know that we all derive that strength from within from something in our lives that causes it to be sustained. It is different for everyone and for me it has mostly been the people I've allowed to be very close to me. People pass with time. So does that strength.

Love Light In Flight (Fuel Injected Passion)

"Make me feel like paradise Fill me with your kisses Make the moment feel just right Take me up and away..." -Love Light In Flight, Stevie Wonder This song has been stuck in my head the past couple days. "Make me feel like paradise...give me what I'm missing." Yesterday, after spending way too much time and energy responding to a political post by Arturo on Facebook, I also found the journal entry from almost twenty-one years ago when I met him. Oh the changes. It seems the older I get, the more I see the changes of those around me and the sameness in myself.

Acceptance of Time

Back from a few hours in The Village with Tricia. Twenty-five years knowing someone has the perk of knowing when certain words come out of my mouth they will be heard and understood as I meant them. Listening to her words, I know the specific timeline that correlates to the tones of where we are now....approaching 40.

Two Blind Ships Passing The Cosmos

It's not such a mystery at this point in life why two broken-hearted people will find one another and try to make themselves whole.  I wouldn't even say that it's foolish or healthy or any particular judgment having been there or tried; passed by someone because of their own or my own place in life at a time.

Kina.

I think about what it is that makes another feel secure with another person.  I think about what it is that defines a "complete" relationship for them.  I think of these things because I can truly only know what these things are to me. 

Song fades out.  Morning sounds fade in.  Eyes blink with the weight of marathon TV series watching. Mind .... Head shakes.

Breathing so loud in the solitary silence of my soon to sleep.

Make A Wish...

Breaking away seems like it should be an easy enough action. I chuckle as that is typed and think of the many things that are easy to say but so much harder to make real. I trust in a belief that I cannot articulate... That is probably the closest analogy to faith/spirituality as I may ever be in terms that relate to those who follow a religion.