I'm listening to "Toca's Miracle" by Fragma. I remember being at a Huntington Beach house party that had a live DJ spinning years ago and dancing to this song in the living room. I found the carpet disagreeable with my shoes so I kicked them off and let my socks slide effortlessly.
This is one of those songs where the melody, sound effects and lyrics all work in perfect concert for me. There have been many different mixes of the tune since its release. I tend to like most of them. Some just make me stand up and move while others take me deeper inside of myself. The In Petto 2008 Remix that I just heard had me with my eyes closed for a time as I retraced the last eight years in my mind. There is a way that tears can start to form when my eyes are closed and in at a sudden spike of emotion---either from memory or sound or the synergy of the two---when the ducts push past the close lids and a stream will form underneath the tops & bottom eye lashes that have intertwined like the fingers of lovers being affectionate.
Umm...ok...so here are the lyrics:
Toca me
Esta tarde sirma, toca me
Hey...
Hey...
miracle miracle miracle
If you're gonna save the day
And you're hearing what I say
I feel your touch...
Your kiss...
Is not enough
And if you believe in me
Don't think my love is for free
I won't take nothing less than a deeper love
[Chorus: 2x]
Let me tell you...know...I
I need a miracle
I need a miracle
It's more than physical
What I need to feel from you.
[It's more than physical
What I need to get me through]
Tell me that you understand
And you'll take me as I am
You'll always be the one to give me everything
Just when I thought that no one cared
You're the answer to my prayers
You lift my spirits high
Come on and rescue me
CHORUS
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
My Note To The Govenor
(This was written in response to a MySpace bulletin posted by John E. that I have copied at the bottom)
When I was 18 years old in 1993 I went to my first gay pride parade and bought an infant jump suit that read, "My Two Daddies And Me" in the hope that someday in my lifetime I could get married and raise a family. That jump suit has hung in every closet of every place I have lived in the past 15 years.
I applaud our Supreme Court's decision of equality and for keeping that hope alive in me.
=============
John E.'s Bulletin:
=============
"To vote in support of the Supreme Court's decision on LGBT marriage call the Governator with this phone bank way to show your support:
1.
call 1-916-445-2841
2.
press 1, 5, 1, 1
(I verified the information myself.
-- JE)
Also write a quick e-mail, a short note is better, by going to http://gov. ca. gov/interact
Select "Supreme Court decision on Same Sex Marriage" from the drop down.
Click the "Pro" radio button at the top
And send a brief note.
There are several groups fighting to sustain the decision, just as there are well funded religious groups supporting a ballot initiative to change the CA constitution to include discrimination and ban same-sex marriage. In my opinion that is religious persecution. Judeo-Christian purity laws (which have all bout been abandoned) should not be used to dictate the state's laws. It's like passing a constitutional law that bans the consumption of pork.
To fight this discrimination you can donate to ACLU or HRC, but I don't have the links to donate specifically for this issue.
However, this PAC is doing just that: http://www. equalityforall. com/ scroll down to they hyperlink and contribute what you can.
Freedom. Equality. Love."
When I was 18 years old in 1993 I went to my first gay pride parade and bought an infant jump suit that read, "My Two Daddies And Me" in the hope that someday in my lifetime I could get married and raise a family. That jump suit has hung in every closet of every place I have lived in the past 15 years.
I applaud our Supreme Court's decision of equality and for keeping that hope alive in me.
=============
John E.'s Bulletin:
=============
"To vote in support of the Supreme Court's decision on LGBT marriage call the Governator with this phone bank way to show your support:
1.
call 1-916-445-2841
2.
press 1, 5, 1, 1
(I verified the information myself.
-- JE)
Also write a quick e-mail, a short note is better, by going to http://gov. ca. gov/interact
Select "Supreme Court decision on Same Sex Marriage" from the drop down.
Click the "Pro" radio button at the top
And send a brief note.
There are several groups fighting to sustain the decision, just as there are well funded religious groups supporting a ballot initiative to change the CA constitution to include discrimination and ban same-sex marriage. In my opinion that is religious persecution. Judeo-Christian purity laws (which have all bout been abandoned) should not be used to dictate the state's laws. It's like passing a constitutional law that bans the consumption of pork.
To fight this discrimination you can donate to ACLU or HRC, but I don't have the links to donate specifically for this issue.
However, this PAC is doing just that: http://www. equalityforall. com/ scroll down to they hyperlink and contribute what you can.
Freedom. Equality. Love."
Monday, May 26, 2008
E Memorius
Flashes of light.... that's a scene of a dance floor in any club across the world. Some grids are better than others. Some lighting operators are better than others. The trick is knowing the music, the technology and being able to anticipate with accurate timing to make the lights a seamless part of the music.
Let go.... of inhibitions, notions, rigid bodies, self images of how you look when you move. Allow the music to instruct your limbs on the next movement. Feel the vibrations creeping over your skin to find your sensitive spots and coil around them. As I've always told people, "If you can count to four, you can dance."
The weather has not been kind this weekend. It appears there will be no beach ceremony to both initiate the Summer season and even out my comedic Long Beach Pride Festival tan lines. I know that the beach isn't going anywhere, but I'm sure that I could use a recharge from the ocean mist right about now. The sand between my fingers and toes; watching the grains slip down into mounds and then be flattened by the smoothing power of the next wave.
"In the beginning he created a groove...
...can you feel it? can you feel it?"
PUSH - "Universal Nation"
Let go.... of inhibitions, notions, rigid bodies, self images of how you look when you move. Allow the music to instruct your limbs on the next movement. Feel the vibrations creeping over your skin to find your sensitive spots and coil around them. As I've always told people, "If you can count to four, you can dance."
The weather has not been kind this weekend. It appears there will be no beach ceremony to both initiate the Summer season and even out my comedic Long Beach Pride Festival tan lines. I know that the beach isn't going anywhere, but I'm sure that I could use a recharge from the ocean mist right about now. The sand between my fingers and toes; watching the grains slip down into mounds and then be flattened by the smoothing power of the next wave.
"In the beginning he created a groove...
...can you feel it? can you feel it?"
PUSH - "Universal Nation"
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Union Station Los Angeles
Why does poverty smell like urine? How am I unemployed for months and able to eat breakfast from the adjacent cafe without asking the strangers around me for change?
The world should smell jasmine.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
WHACK i tell you
I haven't been out of the apartment since Friday night when I saw Iron Man with Mark. Zapped by some fever for the past four days I think it's finally passed. Thanks to Charlie I have liquids beyond water and the Nyquil the past day or so that has let me sleep through the night without coughing to death. It is very easy to drift on seas when apathy is efficacious in the American veins these days.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
A Twinkle Left To Shine
Before I pass into sleep tonight....
I was out at Boy's Room with Mark. I told him while we were there that my only expectation of the evening was that I was going to get to spend time with him. It means a lot. There were pretty faces, hot bodies, head-turning ensembles that surrounded me. Flirty eyes---I notice these the most which is probably why I rarely make eye contact in these clubbing situation unless a purpose is served. I tried to smile.
And actually...the smile wasn't hard to come by. At one point while we were dancing to "Ray Of Light" I actually got chills and had the hairs on my arms stand up. It's been a while since that has happened. The right music, the right company, the right moment.....
I like when I'm like this.
Peaceful.
I was out at Boy's Room with Mark. I told him while we were there that my only expectation of the evening was that I was going to get to spend time with him. It means a lot. There were pretty faces, hot bodies, head-turning ensembles that surrounded me. Flirty eyes---I notice these the most which is probably why I rarely make eye contact in these clubbing situation unless a purpose is served. I tried to smile.
And actually...the smile wasn't hard to come by. At one point while we were dancing to "Ray Of Light" I actually got chills and had the hairs on my arms stand up. It's been a while since that has happened. The right music, the right company, the right moment.....
I like when I'm like this.
Peaceful.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
It Thinks Out Loud
My plan was to brainstorm all my thoughts out.... and before I started typing I paused and tried to think about what I was going to type and what I wasn't going to type which really defeats the purpose of brainstorming. I figure something has to come out that I want. I went out earlier with my roommate, Charlie, and before showering I thought it might be nice to have a few drinks and just relax in some small social setting but when I got out of the shower something in the water lead me to think that drinking wouldn't be the best thing after this last week of sadness. I still went out. We went to Flux. I was uncomfortable there because I was thinking about writing and I couldn't there. Also I am so aware of eyes watching me. Lustful eyes. Casual glance eyes. Lesbian eyes that have no interest that the space that I'm taking up. Then beyond the looks there is the reading of body language and the signals and the unspoken yelling that each body seems to do when I focus on them. It becomes suffocating until I focus on something. There were years where I never saw any of this. Never paid it any mind. I also had a chip on my shoulder then and entered places like Flux or any other bar/club with an exacting purpose and never concerned myself with all of the people around me. I think of oracles and how they are often depicted as being segregated from the society that seeks their counsel. It makes sense to me if they are gifted with insight that being around many would be a distraction, but how then does one gain insight (if not naturally occurring) without first being around people to learn and experience what they transmit; say without speaking, long for, believe.....I have my headset on. Random Play. The songs that I have not yet listened to which is well in the thousands since moving the music off of my hard drive and onto the external drive. Paul Oakenfold "Another World Disc 1" A song that somehow stirs a memory of a West Hollywood condo belonging to someone named, Ruben, and Miguel and I on the couch. We are alone. This is shortly before I met lil Randy so I was still 25. I'm amazed that eight years can move so quickly. I pause here. To enjoy the music but to expand with it too. Cardwell called me today. It was nice to hear his voice. As we spoke I could feel a part of me opening up that has not been here since before December last year. It was my comfort zone in knowing someone who knows me. I've missed him. It's been hard to be where I have been. And where have I been? I'm watching myself in this movie. Sometimes I'm watching it on the trailer summary starting back as an adult and rolling to the present. Sometimes I'm only looking at the past few months. Sometimes I'm projecting into the future, but never too far, never like I used to. Living in the now but setting goals for the future. "A Love Before Time [English]" from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon has started to play by CoCo Lee featuring Yo-Yo Ma. I feel empty and yet I know I'm not. While watching all of season 1 and season 2 of Dexter, there was an episode where one character says something to the effect about everyone or every life having their one great love and that he had already had his. I think for those of us who dream and desire something monogamous that this may be true. Eddie from Las Vegas IM's me this passage from a book he is reading:
she says ".. this woman was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny"
It makes me smile. He's a friend in that circle outside of the core who doesn't know me as closely and distance will keep it that way since there is no regular opportunity to know each other's daily selves. I received a flag in the mail from my brother, Philip. It was flown on a mission in the Gulf. I'm at a loss as to what I'm going to do with it or why I received it. I truly appreciate the gesture and in our family any extension of contact is a good thing usually. I still do two spaces after every period because that's how I was taught on a manual typewriter in Mr. Roa's 7th grade class. The habit has come in handy on my blackberry (aka to some as a crackberry and aka to me as a boys-in-berry) because two spaces after a character will automatically place a period and start in upper case for the next word. I'm obviously not saying anything now. I'm pausing between sentences a lot here which I'm not supposed to do.
----------------
Now playing on Winamp: The Fleetwoods - Come Softly To Me
she says ".. this woman was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny"
It makes me smile. He's a friend in that circle outside of the core who doesn't know me as closely and distance will keep it that way since there is no regular opportunity to know each other's daily selves. I received a flag in the mail from my brother, Philip. It was flown on a mission in the Gulf. I'm at a loss as to what I'm going to do with it or why I received it. I truly appreciate the gesture and in our family any extension of contact is a good thing usually. I still do two spaces after every period because that's how I was taught on a manual typewriter in Mr. Roa's 7th grade class. The habit has come in handy on my blackberry (aka to some as a crackberry and aka to me as a boys-in-berry) because two spaces after a character will automatically place a period and start in upper case for the next word. I'm obviously not saying anything now. I'm pausing between sentences a lot here which I'm not supposed to do.
----------------
Now playing on Winamp: The Fleetwoods - Come Softly To Me
Thursday, April 24, 2008
INFANTessimal
How does a soul never met have so much contact with us? Partly the expectations and imaginations of those who feel the connection but I would hypothesize that the interconnectedness of our energies is tapped into each others' soul 24/7. I may not get the chance to know you, Taylor Riley Alejandrino, but I will not forget you.
Two days of not sleeping comes to an end now. Bette Midler - "The Last Time"
Let this be the last time
Let this be the last time....
Two days of not sleeping comes to an end now. Bette Midler - "The Last Time"
Let this be the last time
Let this be the last time....
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Mental Closets
It's a funny metaphor at 33 to still be pulling things out of my closet, yet I find myself literally and figuratively still doing it. The junk that gets stored there over time is much easier to store with a door closed than it is to pull it out to be seen all the time.
I'm trying to go through a box right now. Why have I kept this "stuff" for so long?
Men in these closets... ideas never touched and ideas touched and gone. Lessons learned and obeyed; lessons known but not learned. It's so easy to fall for an idea because I've painted blinders to the thoughts that I don't want to see. Too bad they cannot be hidden from the all seeing eye of the sub and unconscious. Those parts of you that feed instinct and make an impact on physiology while you're trying to ignore it and using the higher brain functions as a pawn for the "ought nots" in sight.
If dating is what I want..... there are a line of steps and stair I must climb first. So I'm standing at the bottom of the flights and looking upward to the journey. Mentally preparing myself.
Breathing.
I'm trying to go through a box right now. Why have I kept this "stuff" for so long?
Men in these closets... ideas never touched and ideas touched and gone. Lessons learned and obeyed; lessons known but not learned. It's so easy to fall for an idea because I've painted blinders to the thoughts that I don't want to see. Too bad they cannot be hidden from the all seeing eye of the sub and unconscious. Those parts of you that feed instinct and make an impact on physiology while you're trying to ignore it and using the higher brain functions as a pawn for the "ought nots" in sight.
If dating is what I want..... there are a line of steps and stair I must climb first. So I'm standing at the bottom of the flights and looking upward to the journey. Mentally preparing myself.
Breathing.
