Humpty Dumpty Climbed Down.

I have decided that it's time to get off the fence about different issues and people.

Sound & Sympathy

When I sit in the middle of the four speakers and close my eyes, I can feel the vibrations shifting from one direction to another and back again as if my body was being massaged in music.

I saw a sea lion and her pup at Dana Point Harbor yesterday with Beth. She seemed so helpless. There were people all around as she grabbed the pup in her mouth and brought it up to higher ground. It reminded me of someone on the side of the freeway broken down with all of the cars whizzing by.

Yesterday was Randy's one year. Melissa is lost. Chuck talked to me. I spent Friday night with Mario and Happy Feet. I'm off to Best Buy with Tyler.

The music is swirling around me.... but I'm leaving it for now.

Constructed

...and what a day it was.

Under Construction?

9:10 and the lawn mower has stopped from its start seven minutes ago. I was already awake for 1/24th of a day. I had a text message that woke me. Then I heard Randy coughing downstairs. Then I was reminded of Tyler. Now I have a headset on with instrumental music to create a vibe for the day.

Oh what a day it will be.....

The on/off switch

9:10 and the lawn mower has stopped from its start seven minutes ago. I was already awake for 1/24th of a day. I had a text message that woke me. Then I heard Randy coughing downstairs. Then I was reminded of Tyler.

Stop. Mind, stop.

Soccer Spice

Basil was a tall kid who was always on an opposing team when I was growing up playing soccer. He would play right forward and I was left full back. Full backs are not necessarily known for their speed, but he and I would always keep pace. I remember one time sliding to prevent him from being able to shoot at the goal. We both fell and tumbled.

He used to say hi to me off the playing field when we got older and were in high school. We went to different schools but would see each other every so often. When I think back I think of his "hellos" and they seem to be things that he went out of his way to do. Smile. What a wonderful memory to just drift in today amongst the ennui of paperwork.

Today Tangled

In today's ugly sky I chanced to see a very white dove fly along side me while driving on the 5 FWY. It caught my eye because its color contrasted against the haze of smog.

Finances have me down, but plans for the future have me up. It's a familiar tug-o-war. Randy came over last week and we put down on paper all of my debt and income. This thing has always been a dreaded task for me. I know - in part - it's because I have to look at the reality of what I have done over years to try and ease pain and avoid looking at the very clear mirror that I like to keep fogged up. Ironically, it is in explaining to Eddy that he is a good person that I realize my own disbelief of the same statement. At least sometimes. Sometimes enough to be a problem. Then on the flipside, I can be seated in front of the high school panel this morning full of young minds that are open to whatever it is I have to say and I feel confident, secure and know that my goodness is without question.

I often see myself in quick thoughts as sharing myself in ways that is full of smiles and laughter and light. I find that I drift off into these thoughts when I'm sitting and doing something that is far from this light. Justin and I were talking yesterday over dinner about how people can be emotionally run over and used up so many times that they become the antithesis of this light I see. I definitely see this in myself, but I try to stay focused on the positive things I can affect change on.

As I read these words over.... a part of feels like it's all bullshit to keep me from action at the moment. A part of me feels like it's hard to put words down to try and get these thoughts out because I've not tried recently. There is a huge blockage of energy that I do not mention or deal with and that's with Nathan. In the past couple weeks there has been a silent majority of brain power that has kept sleep restless.

I want me to assert on me now.
Today.
Treat myself like I was speaking to any one of you....
And look at me almost 10 years ago... hmm.... http://earthjeremy.blogspot.com/1997/09/lifes-little-ironies.html

Humpday & Humpbacks

The Coast Guard is off and running. No matter how much sleep I get,
it seems that I can't keep myself awake without caffeine lately. I
had my second taste of West Beach for the year. My season with James
has passed. The time for a budget has begun to sink in.

I don't work tomorrow so that I can speak to high school students
about diversity. Divisive Diversity....sounds like a poem title I
haven't yet written.

Open Space Dream

Brief. I was running to catch a movie with Lorena and her family. I
had somehow been detained at her residence and it was not a good
thing. I have a sense of nefarious characters subtly taking up my
time to make me late. (For what purpose and to what end is not clear
in my mind.) As I was running, I had to go through some type of fast
food eater/diner and as I made it to the parking lot, my ex-Randy was
there and grabbed my arm as I ran by. While there was a flood of
emotion for seeing him for the first time in many years, there was
more of an urgency to get to the movie so I didn't stop to have a
conversation.

I woke up about 4:30am to go to the bathroom, back to sleep and no
more of the dream. I still can't wake up here at work. Mind is
drifting. Eyes get heavy. I stand up to make my blood circulate.
I'm glad I'll be going home to home this evening and not just making a
pit-stop off to work again.

I need to let my body recover before I take it for a spin again.

Eye Wells

I just got an e-mail from Lanny that made me smile and then I felt a
rush of time from 1998 to the present hit me like explosion of worlds
in the micro-second that my eyes read over the text.

He'll be 30 this year.