People say that they "crawled" into bed. I guess we do sometimes. The height of my bed makes it easy to crawl. I've noticed that most of the beds away from my room I tend to roll into; hotels and such.
Depeche Mode - Blue Dress There is the sound with the lyric ('something some worthless, serves a purpose') Actually many sounds, they ignite sadness.
Mark and I caught up tonight. Interesting progressions of our lives. Topics like: Ambition, Goals, Success, Art, Talent, Pressure, Relationships, Compromise. I let him know that he's one of two people that I would want to read anything that I complete writing.
I took an extended trip on the bus today on purpose so that I have some time to myself and read. Hold me. Hand me a hankerchief. I've not the strength to fight the wind. I am longing for the softness of my own touch. I say these things and they are not thought out why I do. I type them just as I would toss them around in my head. I ascribe nothing to them. I would like to kiss him right now before I go to sleep.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Enter Me...
...and then here I am. The doors to the ballroom propped open, the other guests come through as well. I am one walking. They are many. We are now just simple sentences on a blog where the reader is not sure what--or if-- there is any meaning. "Enter Me," it means several things to this writer. It's stage direction. It's someone's eyes that I looked at and said, "babe." It's a thought that persists. It's medicine. It's air. It's all this and it's all in THIS now.
As I write, Art is interviewing a perspective roommate. We were introduced just an hour ago and I don't remember his name. I shook his hand and did that smiling stuff that one does out of courtesy. I'm surprised that they're still talking an hour later. This would seem to be a good sign. I can't imagine if I were interviewing for a room that I didn't want that I would stay this long. I guess this means I have to go get a new shower curtain... hahaha
Cardwell should be here anytime. I just acted on my impulse and called. You know that feeling you have when you call someone and you hope that they don't answer because you want to leave them a message, be it cute or stupid, but you can't if they answer the phone? Or sometimes the situation is that you like a person and you just want to hear their voice, but they answer and you're caught off guard and have to talk to them. Fluster. The latter just happened to me. (Actually a combination of both, I was going to leave a message)
If intimacy has levels, or we define it to be such, then I was close to ground zero with Joshua in the time we spent together Sunday & Monday. Terminal bliss.
As I write, Art is interviewing a perspective roommate. We were introduced just an hour ago and I don't remember his name. I shook his hand and did that smiling stuff that one does out of courtesy. I'm surprised that they're still talking an hour later. This would seem to be a good sign. I can't imagine if I were interviewing for a room that I didn't want that I would stay this long. I guess this means I have to go get a new shower curtain... hahaha
Cardwell should be here anytime. I just acted on my impulse and called. You know that feeling you have when you call someone and you hope that they don't answer because you want to leave them a message, be it cute or stupid, but you can't if they answer the phone? Or sometimes the situation is that you like a person and you just want to hear their voice, but they answer and you're caught off guard and have to talk to them. Fluster. The latter just happened to me. (Actually a combination of both, I was going to leave a message)
If intimacy has levels, or we define it to be such, then I was close to ground zero with Joshua in the time we spent together Sunday & Monday. Terminal bliss.
Moon Through My Window
Just walked in the door from having Joshua drop me of. I accompanied him to San Diego to ensure that he stayed awake for the drive there and back. Long day. I can relate after having a long weekend myself. The ride back reminded me of the many times that I would leave Montage at 4am and make the journey back to Irvine. At times the window cracks open, air on, radio stations change, try to keep a conversation; braille, eyes heavy, determination and the desire to be in your own bed more important than the risk of a potential accident. Safe now. Alone now.
It's hard to adjust sleeping next to someone after so long of not doing it. It's harder to not sleep next to someone that you want to be next to after you've experienced the joy of it. The moon beemed through the open slats of my window blinds like the sun does in the afternoon. Just short of being full; illumination being more than light, a subtle thought that has me sending him a text message and then typing on here. It's starting in my head. I feel it.
It's hard to adjust sleeping next to someone after so long of not doing it. It's harder to not sleep next to someone that you want to be next to after you've experienced the joy of it. The moon beemed through the open slats of my window blinds like the sun does in the afternoon. Just short of being full; illumination being more than light, a subtle thought that has me sending him a text message and then typing on here. It's starting in my head. I feel it.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Beat It
Even in the noise, he has no idea of the atmosphere that he is creating. Focused. Song to song. "I have to make it last." he think to himself. But it is lasting. It's expanding. The crowd hops, jumps, shakes, yells! They crave more--They don't know what they want until it's given to them. Still, he's isolated behind the booth, peering into the crowd periodically to gauge the charisma; the enthusiasm of his art. It' methodical to him. Precise. This process is second nature. He breathes as naturally as he spins. Friends and strangers alike enjoy what he has to offer and his ego--if you can find one--maintains the composure of a professional. If he only could feel the exhilaration that he has created. The collective force of that energy would bring him to tears of joy; dropping to his knees by the overwhelming waves of emotion. More screams of praise, more adoration in the form of smiles. Giddy girls. Bouncy boys. Harmonious humans finding a peace to last at least the night. And here I am to record it; an attempt to capture a fraction of the moment that I'm caught in. It's impossible, really. Even a video tape of this phenomenon would not transmit the energy. I haven't danced in 10 minutes now, and still I sweat from the body heat emanating from this room. Hot! Beads on my brow, I bid farewell to this pen so I can partake.
Shedding Sheaths of Shallow Water
The wise fool is still a fool. Even when he shatters the mirror, it only makes multiple shards to show the same picture. Shaking, sometimes it is our own racing heart that makes an attempt to give us composure.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Black is Clear
I had an hour to kill from the time the bus dropped me off until my family was having our "farewell dinner" at Claim Jumper. I roamed around the shopping center near Alton & Culver. The bustle of people getting off of work and going out to eat had started. I spent an inordinately long amount of time in Rite-Aid just browsing things; bought the essentials that are needed to keep up the daily grooming thing. I thought I'd satisfy a spontaneous urge to paint my fingernails black so I bought a solid black bottle of nail polish. Come to find out it's a clear coat of some sort. I was not revving on Revlon at that moment.
Where is my spirit these days? I'm sure if you were to ask most people how their spirit was they would have a generic answer of "fine" or "ok" or "good" but really wouldn't know what the hell I was asking them. A couple of people have mentioned that I seem very, for lack of a better term, "flatline." Not real excited, not real down. To myself. I suppose I have been. I was describing to one person that by keeping things level, I am not bombarded by the stresses of change. I am not adding any drama to myself. I'm finding small things that bring me pleasure and building upon them. Believe it or not, I am reading "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown. It's the illustrated version so I'm apt to enjoy it more than if I had to picture the words describing such foreign things as art, buildings, locations, icons. My brain sees other things, just not words so much. (Side note, the book was something that another passenger had left on the flight before mine back from Seattle. I guess the crews don't really clean all that well between flights.)
Meeting Kellan in Seattle was a nice highlight. I see him how I see so many of the "children" here in SoCal. Young, adult, learning, anxious, unsure and eager. He's very funny in person. It will be nice keeping in touch with him over the years and seeing what becomes of young Master Kellan.
During the past few days I've been hallucinating as I get tired. I'll start to close my eyes and immediately I drift into some story. The people seem real, the words can be heard. These are only seconds mind you. The bus will jolt and re-wake me. I'll be sitting at home and the motion of my body falling forward will thrust me back up again. I mentioned this to my doctor so he changed medication again. The strange thing to me is that it happens whether I've slept well or not the night before. I would like to believe that somehow my subconscious is trying to force things into view for me. Who knows....it could just be the random synthesis of everything going on around me at any given moment.
Without trying, I managed to push Ty away again. Dustin wants to watch "Latter Days" with me. I bought the DVD. Eddy wants me to join in a roadtrip to San Francisco for his birthday next month. I'm not sure yet. I feel like I just want to stay close to home. I feel like I want the beach weather to be here so that I can absorb some life.
Visiting at grandma's grave gave me a good moment of being in touch with myself; a good release of tears that have been held in place for a while. It reminds me how much I have this part of me that has been locked up for two years now and it can't be locked up any longer. Catch-22, it can't be released on just any old stranger. I have to get to know someone well enough that I can both release and be absorbed by without any harm to either person. The person has to be able to glide through me as if the wind had wished it so.
In reading the book, I can feel the art stirring in me.
Where is my spirit these days? I'm sure if you were to ask most people how their spirit was they would have a generic answer of "fine" or "ok" or "good" but really wouldn't know what the hell I was asking them. A couple of people have mentioned that I seem very, for lack of a better term, "flatline." Not real excited, not real down. To myself. I suppose I have been. I was describing to one person that by keeping things level, I am not bombarded by the stresses of change. I am not adding any drama to myself. I'm finding small things that bring me pleasure and building upon them. Believe it or not, I am reading "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown. It's the illustrated version so I'm apt to enjoy it more than if I had to picture the words describing such foreign things as art, buildings, locations, icons. My brain sees other things, just not words so much. (Side note, the book was something that another passenger had left on the flight before mine back from Seattle. I guess the crews don't really clean all that well between flights.)
Meeting Kellan in Seattle was a nice highlight. I see him how I see so many of the "children" here in SoCal. Young, adult, learning, anxious, unsure and eager. He's very funny in person. It will be nice keeping in touch with him over the years and seeing what becomes of young Master Kellan.
During the past few days I've been hallucinating as I get tired. I'll start to close my eyes and immediately I drift into some story. The people seem real, the words can be heard. These are only seconds mind you. The bus will jolt and re-wake me. I'll be sitting at home and the motion of my body falling forward will thrust me back up again. I mentioned this to my doctor so he changed medication again. The strange thing to me is that it happens whether I've slept well or not the night before. I would like to believe that somehow my subconscious is trying to force things into view for me. Who knows....it could just be the random synthesis of everything going on around me at any given moment.
Without trying, I managed to push Ty away again. Dustin wants to watch "Latter Days" with me. I bought the DVD. Eddy wants me to join in a roadtrip to San Francisco for his birthday next month. I'm not sure yet. I feel like I just want to stay close to home. I feel like I want the beach weather to be here so that I can absorb some life.
Visiting at grandma's grave gave me a good moment of being in touch with myself; a good release of tears that have been held in place for a while. It reminds me how much I have this part of me that has been locked up for two years now and it can't be locked up any longer. Catch-22, it can't be released on just any old stranger. I have to get to know someone well enough that I can both release and be absorbed by without any harm to either person. The person has to be able to glide through me as if the wind had wished it so.
In reading the book, I can feel the art stirring in me.
Friday, April 15, 2005
For Not Liking Pictures Taken....
This photo was already a good twelve hours into the Seattle experience with Cardwell. The hotel room in the background---The Warwick---was not our originally booked hotel. As we walked into the lobby of that hotel, the front desk person was giving personal information to a third party about when a guest was staying there and where they were now. We both decided to walk out. So there we were, bags-a-plenty, light stream of rain, walking the downtown beat when we came across an American Express Travel Agency. (Membership does have its privileges)
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Taking Off Your Shoes
I know, what am I doing here typing when I should be packing bags for the 6:45am flight out of John Wayne to SeaTac? I have some stuff in the washer, so "rationalizing," I can't possible really pack unless that's all clean. The determined mind will create any obstacle to obtain it's deepest denial.
I plan to take plenty of pictures in the city of my early childhood. Rain or shine. As I pull up another IE page to see weather.com, a news headline from my home page flashes something about another 15 deaths in Baghdad. It flashes off quickly enough so that I'm not drawn too much into my political mind. 90 to 100% chances of rain for Fri, Sat & Sun. Haha, I expected nothing less. Rainy nights are fun to hold someone, cuddle, watch a movie, feel each other's warmth and wake up with that sensation of someone there. Sometimes adhering to your principals is a lonely bed, sometimes a high-spirited soar across the mountain' basin.
I'm taking my laptop on the plane. I'm looking forward to turning it on for airport security and taking off my shoes. <> What a joke.
I plan to take plenty of pictures in the city of my early childhood. Rain or shine. As I pull up another IE page to see weather.com, a news headline from my home page flashes something about another 15 deaths in Baghdad. It flashes off quickly enough so that I'm not drawn too much into my political mind. 90 to 100% chances of rain for Fri, Sat & Sun. Haha, I expected nothing less. Rainy nights are fun to hold someone, cuddle, watch a movie, feel each other's warmth and wake up with that sensation of someone there. Sometimes adhering to your principals is a lonely bed, sometimes a high-spirited soar across the mountain' basin.
I'm taking my laptop on the plane. I'm looking forward to turning it on for airport security and taking off my shoes. <> What a joke.
