Halfway Home

"Halfway Home" -Jason Mraz

I go a whole month without writing as I tried to focus on other endeavors. From that focus, I got to see Nathan in Las Vegas. I've begun to get to know new people and clean out the ones who are just not making the life thing any better. Taking the time to pause and hand write over the past month has usually brought tears to the surface. I've also endeavored to not be as paralyzed by those as I've been in the preceding months.

People can really be shitty sometimes; be it the billion things that are self-important, the true tragedies that make us less human to others or just the awesomely vacant personalities that I've let hope overshadow through the years. I'm not saying that I'm necessarily any better. I'm sure I've had my moments in the past six months where my abilities of friendship have been strained. I'd like to believe otherwise, but I leave room for the possibility in someone else's eyes... For what more than perceptions of other people are we really in the end when we leave nothing tangible behind?

"Now you're drowning me with talk of four leaf clovers..." - The Cardigans

As I've been drowning these months since Randy passed, I haven't received a single call that was not somehow initiated by me from my mother. I removed her from my Facebook account yesterday after the adult & the child in me decided to post this to her wall:

"We're (your children) are all happy that you have found someone that makes you smile. That said, if you want to hear from us, the phone works both ways. Please stop the pattern of choosing a man over your children or keep it up and stop wondering why we don't go out of our way for you. I love you & this hurt to say, but the truth is what it is."

I began writing her a letter, but then I realized that no letters I've ever written as an adult to her had made a bit of difference in her behavior. I am what I was made forged out of what she is what she was made & the men who she allowed to shape me. It's just time to do what is right for me now and leave hope well enough alone.

Gail was kind enough to wish me a happy 4th as they go off to the river for the weekend.

You know, with family members like these, it's no wonder I have always sought out to create my own family. It's no wonder why when that creation falls apart so do I.

What Wrinkled People Want

Another holiday weekend passes without a friendly face. I can see how this becomes the norm and how people grow into the old hermits. This is an education that I do not wish to have; but who knows, maybe it's an education that I need. (Or will need)

I jacked off just to see if a) I could & b) if it mattered. Yes & no. And there it is...

And as these words have been assembling all day long, I receive the much needed news from Destiny that someone approached her about me last night/this morning at The Mayan. I also received a text that starts my stepping stones into a new pond that I smile thinking about. I also receive a message from Monica of further darkness...I had been looking at my Grandma Helen plant not too long ago today. Sigh.

On some brighter note: "My words, My Promise" below was written on 5/10/2011:
"I don't say this to condescend at all... You're a young guy and life is unfolding. I can't fucking believe you could be my son because I do not feel that old. Relationships & tricks may come & go, but true friends are around for the long term. Unlike your driving, relationships with people cannot be sped up or made to run smoothly by stepping on the gas pedal ;) Finding people hot & lusting isn't the same as understanding their values, morals & goals & falling in love. Learn to take your time, slow down. You & your b/f deserve to have someone who wants what they want & not someone who is with him/you for security, sex and/or sentimental memories. You'll figure it all out... And when you do, I'll still be around at the very least a friend. :) "

My White Winged Dove

"I held myself back from crying because I didn't want my eyeliner to run." I said to Ray as he dropped me home after the Stevie Nicks performance at the Wiltern Theater tonight. Saying that was another way to keep the tears at bay until I had this moment of writing to myself. But as I wipe the tears from my eyes here in the dark, I think that maybe it was also me holding true to Randy. No tears. Celebrate.

I loved that she took a moment to give a time and moment to each song. As a writer, I appreciated this because music will always take me to a specific period of my life. I was moved by her ability to convey her emotions, not just with words, but in the way her face/body transmitted the emotion. My body was sent into a trance-like tingle when she performed, "Dreams." I had to make sure I didn't close my eyes for too long a period of time because I could feel myself losing balance as I would get swept into a song that remains in my "All Time" favorites list.

Eyes heavy, stinging & I'm sure red now. Nose stuffy, haha. Perfect way to fall asleep & wake with puffy eyes.

May I?

I spent the last hour reading over December 2003 & January 2004 journal entries.

In that time I've received an email from am an infidel...haha. I've had texts from Chuck & Christopher Marshy. It's 12:30am; a show is about to begin at The Palms. I received an echo from my own past in the words of a friend from high school. I was reminded that what seems insignificant to us can be something much greater to someone else.

Compassion is coming to me from sources I was not expecting, but that I desperately need.

I know he's around me. "C'mon you Jackass. Pull yourself together SueEllen." (Is coming out of his mouth)

The PCH Sunday Afternoon Drive

Easter Sunday 2011

San Clemente to Huntington Beach via Route 1 of the glorious OCTA. I've left Sarah in the caring arms of her friendships and I'm off into uncharted territory to meet up with relatively new energy in my own circles. If I were prone to religious allegory, I might be rolling back the rock to find life again. Thank GODlessness, I'm not, haha.

Arriving at the Newport Transit Center, across from Fashion Island... The Big Newport theater hasn't been a gathering spot for my friends in years. I remember Batman, Airforce One, The Matrix, Prascilla: Queen of The Desert.... I remember Planet Hollywood & the first time I shaved my head and walked around the mall to witness the well-to-do of Orange County repel me with their body language. Hahaha... The truth of yesterday's faded facts.

Post To Randy's Facebook - Off My Chest

To say that I thought about you "quite a bit this week" doesn't capture the depth of what I mean. Months later, and I'm still realizing how much the people in my life DON'T GET IT. Sometimes I feel this look in one's eyes, or tone in someone's voice of, "Just get over it already..." It infuriates me; reverts the minute accumulation of... wisdom to strident charges of primal barbarism. I hear myself yelling from my skull, "This wasn't just a simple friend. This was my brother, my confidant, my sharer-of-shenanigans, my surprise saint & serendipitous sinner....my so much that words are inadequate. So "quite a bit" is an attempt to say that you never leave my thoughts. You permeate my life so completely that every conversation I have, place I visit or story I have to tell references you and F-all those looks and tones I get. I'll get over this in my own space & time!

A League Apart

Five baked potatoes down the gullet tonight. They somehow complimented the polishing off of mint chip & rocky road half gallons. I can safely say I have reached & exceeded my carb fill for the day---week?

My light sweat exudes a scent of coconut from the body wash I'm using. Tropical. Beach. Yay.

Still not a soul. I thank the universe for Joseph/Destiny. I would have ceased to function months ago had this spirit not been introduced to me... Truthfully, I may have expired years ago.

Ever unearthing this evolution; exceeding my earnest excitement.

Rise Up

I'm on the Metrolink train, leaving Claremont and on my way to Los Angeles Union Station. I have this beautiful, brown, pierced & tattooed living picture to stare at. It's not his genes alone that attract me. This "boy" is playing with his newborn daughter while the "mother" (girl) holds her. There is such sincerity in his facial expressions. Such love.

I'm never a fan of children having children, but I am touched when they accept their responsibility & place a life before their own.

Besos Beautiful

If I was at a keyboard instead of this phone I would be brainstorming out thoughts as fast as my fingers could transfer the thoughts...

Alas, I am not. So besos.

To some beautiful Billy out there somewhere. Like Michael Buble's lyrics..."I just haven't met you yet."

Fasting Log

Wednesday, April 6, 2011, 9:15am
5 Day Fast Over
No friends checked in

Tuesday, April 5, 2011, 5:50pm
4 Days into Fast
No friends have checked in

Monday, April 4, 2011, 5:25am
3 Days into Fast
No friends have checked in

I broke a three year streak yesterday. It's not important to anyone but me and a step in the right direction for my own journey.

9:45pm
When I couldn't sleep earlier today, I went and took assessment tests at the local community college. I probably should have studied for the Algebra part, but I passed just the same. Most of the questions looked familiar but I had forgotten the rules or operations to perform---really, the shit is not used in most of our everyday life. Strangely, the English portion was a breeze for me.

I sent Sarah a "Random Share" text just now: Everytime you have sex with someone, you give a little piece of you away.

Oh the truth of it---that is, if you have anything left of yourself or are self-actualized in the first place. I suspect that even those who don't have words to explain can still feel--however vaguely--the waning over time. Envy on those who just accept that they're enjoying themselves. Haha, that line only lasts so long for me. (And sometimes it's actually true)

Simultaneous truth.

I have cried more today than I think I have since the first week of Randy's death. I answered the phone crying when Destiny called. I have such contempt for friends that I feel should be much closer to me both physically & emotionally right now. I described to both Lena & Destiny that I would like to smash their faces into my pain for five seconds to wake their asses up... But when that anger subsides, either from a run that forces it to dissipate or from a cry that springs up, I know what I have known since probably about three years ago and I have been hiding trying not accept it. It's time to step into the next change and I have been avoiding that.

I love what this fasting is doing for me.

Saturday, April 2, 2011, 1:30pm
1 Day into Fast
No friends have checked in

I find so much when I dive into my mind. So much that has been ignored, compartmentalized or never even known to exist on a conscious level. I am never scared at what I find, but I am scared of the possible consequences of sharing some of these parts with the wrong person.

For this reason, initial exploration usually must be done in isolation. The one I would have trusted to be around is no longer here and the ones remaining are too full of doubt or hesitation to feel comfortable.

Who knew I would find use of a bible reference, but truly, they know not what they do.

In other arenas, I have removed him from site in hopes that it will spill over into removal from mind. Hah, if only I were so feeble. I've also explained why to him. This is one principle where Cardwell & I had no problem agreeing. I know what is right regardless of the pleasure I am forgoing.