I go a whole month without writing as I tried to focus on other endeavors. From that focus, I got to see Nathan in Las Vegas. I've begun to get to know new people and clean out the ones who are just not making the life thing any better. Taking the time to pause and hand write over the past month has usually brought tears to the surface. I've also endeavored to not be as paralyzed by those as I've been in the preceding months.
People can really be shitty sometimes; be it the billion things that are self-important, the true tragedies that make us less human to others or just the awesomely vacant personalities that I've let hope overshadow through the years. I'm not saying that I'm necessarily any better. I'm sure I've had my moments in the past six months where my abilities of friendship have been strained. I'd like to believe otherwise, but I leave room for the possibility in someone else's eyes... For what more than perceptions of other people are we really in the end when we leave nothing tangible behind?
"Now you're drowning me with talk of four leaf clovers..." - The Cardigans
As I've been drowning these months since Randy passed, I haven't received a single call that was not somehow initiated by me from my mother. I removed her from my Facebook account yesterday after the adult & the child in me decided to post this to her wall:
"We're (your children) are all happy that you have found someone that makes you smile. That said, if you want to hear from us, the phone works both ways. Please stop the pattern of choosing a man over your children or keep it up and stop wondering why we don't go out of our way for you. I love you & this hurt to say, but the truth is what it is."
I began writing her a letter, but then I realized that no letters I've ever written as an adult to her had made a bit of difference in her behavior. I am what I was made forged out of what she is what she was made & the men who she allowed to shape me. It's just time to do what is right for me now and leave hope well enough alone.
Gail was kind enough to wish me a happy 4th as they go off to the river for the weekend.
You know, with family members like these, it's no wonder I have always sought out to create my own family. It's no wonder why when that creation falls apart so do I.