And so I don't...and am a part of myself that very few see anymore but who I feel inside all of the time---who shall be back in 2011.
Smile.
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Thursday, March 10, 2011
Coming Back
It's with the sun smiling down on my face with it's warmth that I mouth the words to the song "Badfish" as I listen with Skullcandy earphones. As I become self conscious that others on the bus may be watching me, I think of you; how I used to be when we were 18 and we clashed. I wouldn't have cared then and you wouldn't have cared now.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Hoodie Hugme
All bundled up in bed. The cars still traversing by outside. The wind causing the door to creek even while locked. The laundry tumbling dry, dry, drying.
My hoodie hugs me goodnight until you can someday.
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Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Nati
Met a beautiful, messed up boy over the weekend: Natividad, Nati for short. :( as much as I dabble in the dark world, it is not my home. Not a place that I have to wake up when waking up is even done. He said, "Do you really think I'm beautiful?" and it was all I could do not to cry as I held him.
The rain pours down harder, faster now. I'm just in from walking in it. It intimates the flow of feeling that has been constant in me for a month now that has flashed by me and I can scarcely recall its details.
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Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Stop & Listen-8471
In this sea of friends, someone will evolve into the rock that I have known at various stages of life. There is still that romantic thread that weaves it's coverings hopes to hang in a couple's closet. In the interim, I take my own advice of solitude among the single styles but still heavily accessing the supports that I have.
In this sea of friends, I feel the collective & individual loves. I know I am not left alone. I know that I was moving in a direction before the demise.
In this sea of friends, there is a silence that I experienced before and during that time I longed for it to be loud. I long for that now and I know that it will not be. "Close, close, disconnect."
I will always love you, Cardwell. Like Grandma, there just really is no way to say goodbye---only figure out how to walk each day without your warmth.
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Friday, January 28, 2011
Decade Dew
I read the sweetest thing on someone's profile just now...
"I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend..."
And that literally brought tears to my eyes.
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Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Death Moves People To Action
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12, 2011
I didn't design the pants I wear. So I can't help it if the material rests a certain way that makes it look like my crotch contains something that is several times the size of reality. People are stuck on what they can see, so short of stripping down, we all laugh and the conversation moves on.
Casey, the dog, passed away a few days ago. I was jumping up & down in my skin yelling, "Here I am! I'm right here dying too!" But no sound came out. No phone calls were made. No text. No email. I just replied by sending the pictures I was asked to send. Short of stripping down to draw attention, people believe what they see.
When human life takes a back seat to that of an animal...it has always been a peeve of mine; no matter how adorable the pet. And I loved spending time with Casey too, but he and I said our goodbyes on Xmas morning when it was abundantly evident he was not meant for this world any longer. I spent much of that day at Tim & Ian's by Casey's side.
I'm coming up on two weeks of complete solitude, save the face of my roommate who is half dead when he gets home from his ragged work schedule.
I could not remember if I showered today so I took another one just in case. Then I left the house without putting deodorant on. I had planned on walking for miles and miles, but looped back to the domicile.
Beset by sarcasms I cannot process because my skin is really not that thick.
In younger years, insecurity was a shield that gave the appearance of a thick skin. In these more "real years," it's as thin as it is soft and I haven't the patience to have anything but non-abrasive, sincerely civil communication.
Everyone is so busy, but time is made for those things that are important.
One always hopes this mindset will change in a few days....do do do do do
Sent via boysINBerry from T-Mobile
I didn't design the pants I wear. So I can't help it if the material rests a certain way that makes it look like my crotch contains something that is several times the size of reality. People are stuck on what they can see, so short of stripping down, we all laugh and the conversation moves on.
Casey, the dog, passed away a few days ago. I was jumping up & down in my skin yelling, "Here I am! I'm right here dying too!" But no sound came out. No phone calls were made. No text. No email. I just replied by sending the pictures I was asked to send. Short of stripping down to draw attention, people believe what they see.
When human life takes a back seat to that of an animal...it has always been a peeve of mine; no matter how adorable the pet. And I loved spending time with Casey too, but he and I said our goodbyes on Xmas morning when it was abundantly evident he was not meant for this world any longer. I spent much of that day at Tim & Ian's by Casey's side.
I'm coming up on two weeks of complete solitude, save the face of my roommate who is half dead when he gets home from his ragged work schedule.
I could not remember if I showered today so I took another one just in case. Then I left the house without putting deodorant on. I had planned on walking for miles and miles, but looped back to the domicile.
Beset by sarcasms I cannot process because my skin is really not that thick.
In younger years, insecurity was a shield that gave the appearance of a thick skin. In these more "real years," it's as thin as it is soft and I haven't the patience to have anything but non-abrasive, sincerely civil communication.
Everyone is so busy, but time is made for those things that are important.
One always hopes this mindset will change in a few days....do do do do do
Sent via boysINBerry from T-Mobile
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Alphabet Soupiness
MLK Weekend
I don't know that I've ever really done anything "special" over the previous 3-day holidays. This one was to be spent with Destiny for a time, then a 24hr odd pit-stop at an acquaintance's home where I add another Joe to my life. (Who knows for how long)
I wasn't aware that there was a 48hr route from WeHo to My Place, but I was schooled in it's existence. I also cried while watching porn, but I doubt they'll be any oscars given for their performance. "She only shared her tears with showers and rainstorms, but everyone knew her emotions." was that came to mind as I locked myself in a bathroom and showered after that. I was picking up on the emotions of the room and I left the shower refreshed and able to refocus.
Once home, I fed myself and prepared for restorative sleep. Homemade chicken soup conquers alphabet soup residual verbiage. The sound mind begins to allow music through to the heart, but this heart is so fragile and the music is so moving that even the first measure has me in tears.
Lulled to sleep.
Sent via boysINBerry from T-Mobile
I don't know that I've ever really done anything "special" over the previous 3-day holidays. This one was to be spent with Destiny for a time, then a 24hr odd pit-stop at an acquaintance's home where I add another Joe to my life. (Who knows for how long)
I wasn't aware that there was a 48hr route from WeHo to My Place, but I was schooled in it's existence. I also cried while watching porn, but I doubt they'll be any oscars given for their performance. "She only shared her tears with showers and rainstorms, but everyone knew her emotions." was that came to mind as I locked myself in a bathroom and showered after that. I was picking up on the emotions of the room and I left the shower refreshed and able to refocus.
Once home, I fed myself and prepared for restorative sleep. Homemade chicken soup conquers alphabet soup residual verbiage. The sound mind begins to allow music through to the heart, but this heart is so fragile and the music is so moving that even the first measure has me in tears.
Lulled to sleep.
Sent via boysINBerry from T-Mobile
Monday, January 10, 2011
Living Lightly
"I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the (guy) you're taking home..."
-Robyn
I've been completely shut in this year so far. I've felt the sun upon my face once or twice. I close my eyes to pause and find it's a different hour or a different day. A shower...for myself.
Music Box Dancer in the ice cream truck goes by but I hear no children with the sound.
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Monday, January 03, 2011
December Lament
...and he looked for someone with the same values as him, but was quite disappointed to find no suitor could win...
...so he vowed to be diligent and never collapse, but this was a young man's promise and quixotic perhaps
...then emerging one day from the rain and the fog, he saw himself sitting with his dear on a log...
...no happier visage or wide, cheery grin, just the loss of time and parts that were thin...
...be open to the changes that in turn change you, or fall victim to chasing your tail through and through.
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