"I've been in love before...the hardest part is when you're in it."
I'm listening to the song by Cutting Crew. I don't know that the hardest part is when you're in it, unless you count the part where you're still in love but not together. That's the hardest part sometimes... the lingering. Then there's the hardest part of watching while one of you moves on and the other is still stuck. Stuck is such an ugly word choice; implying that there's something wrong for feeling. It feels wrong sometimes for the involved parties.
When you're in it...you learn the things about yourself that only another can trigger...not teach. You teach yourself if you choose to learn. That's truly being "in it."
Today/tonight seems to be one of those days where all song lyrics lead me back to lessons. Some learned, some still learning and still some just lost on me as I choose selective memories. By limiting my choices...I'm following what Frenchy said earlier tonight in IM:
nickoc86 7:27 pm
(7:28:11 PM): sometime its easier to make choices when there arent that many available
Earth Jeremy 7:28 pm
(7:28:30 PM): I'm quoting you on that.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Every Kiss Begins with K
I think I've always pretty much loved Jane Seymour and things she's been in, but the best is lying here eating licorice and seeing a commercial I've seen hundreds of times for Kay Jewelers where she says, "You were right mom, keep your heart open and love will alway find its way in."
Monday, February 01, 2010
Prestegard Gage
Earth Jeremy
: So since we had lunch last week, not today... hahaha... (although I would love to, but need to fix the financial situation first)
Charlie Gage
: ok that was weird
: So since we had lunch last week, not today... hahaha... (although I would love to, but need to fix the financial situation first)
Charlie Gage
: ok that was weird
: oh
: i misread taht
Earth Jeremy
: Yes, you must have
Charlie Gage
: i was about to send an IM asking if wanted to have lunch today, i thought u predicted it saying u cant because of your $ work
Earth Jeremy
: yes, I did
: haha
Charlie Gage
: ha
Earth Jeremy
: I'm drinking beer... the universe is in alignment... psychic energy that I thwART normally is afot
: or afoot
Charlie Gage
: we do that a lot haha
Earth Jeremy
: I think much of what people chalk up to something like ESP is just knowing each other well.
: But knowing someone is too intimate so a higher power has to be invoked.
Charlie Gage
: good point
Charlie Gage
: ok
Earth Jeremy
: Yes, you must have
Charlie Gage
: i was about to send an IM asking if wanted to have lunch today, i thought u predicted it saying u cant because of your $ work
Earth Jeremy
: yes, I did
: haha
Charlie Gage
: ha
Earth Jeremy
: I'm drinking beer... the universe is in alignment... psychic energy that I thwART normally is afot
: or afoot
Charlie Gage
: we do that a lot haha
Earth Jeremy
: I think much of what people chalk up to something like ESP is just knowing each other well.
: But knowing someone is too intimate so a higher power has to be invoked.
Charlie Gage
: good point
Charlie Gage
: ok
: so
Earth Jeremy
: Good enough to post as my blog today
Earth Jeremy
: Good enough to post as my blog today
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Soul Evaporates
When one has spent time and effort to build a "role persona" for others to see, such as the decisive boss, the omniscient teacher or charismatic socialite, it is easy to get lost if it is just a fascade and not who the person is at the core. Who are we? While playing many roles in life isn't uncommon, I think getting lost is. How can you find yourself if not lost to begin with? (Or if not lost, unknown.)
I'm looking out the window toward the pool and I can see the heat escaping as the rain dives down to mix with the chlorinated water. It was in this very water where I watched Xander evaporate into the James he truly was for a moment. It was in this water where I watched my James be a fish he loves to be.
Ambient music from buzzoutroom.com leads me to think today will be heavy to balance out the extreme levity that I approached yesterday with.
I'm looking out the window toward the pool and I can see the heat escaping as the rain dives down to mix with the chlorinated water. It was in this very water where I watched Xander evaporate into the James he truly was for a moment. It was in this water where I watched my James be a fish he loves to be.
Ambient music from buzzoutroom.com leads me to think today will be heavy to balance out the extreme levity that I approached yesterday with.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tizz
Pianos play for pages before some of us like the song of our lives. No matter where you are in your song, it's the first note you feel that tears you apart and makes you thankful to be alive.
It's eleven o'clock and I've been working off and on since seven this morning. I started working in my room while Juan ran the front desk then I took over in the afternoon. It's been steadily busy all night. At first I was surprised, but then I had to remind myself that I've been working on my own. I remind myself that last year I had a helper and though there was squabbling, there was someone to share the workload.
Keith will be arriving soon and I will retreat back into the space that has become mine here at work; a square bedroom with hard floors and two small alley ways on either side of the bed. One side is currently lined with dirty clothes that are rapidly piling around the bags of clean, unfolded clothes. The other side is a parking lane for the boxes removed from the apartment this last Monday.
I hear my song and it's so beautiful I smile and weep at the same time. Deft tones resonate. The vibrations reveal a motherless boy who sees affection as his nemesis. Those who have been hooked cannot seem to belive beyond this paradigm. Do they then see me as weak when I touch them with such sincere frailty? Does my lending to vulnerabilty set in motion a battlefield they must position themselves on to hold ground; save face? Or do they learn by example...and see that my strength has always been in letting all feelings have value and weight. A tear clears the eye of debris as much as it can the heart the fallen tree in its path.
It's eleven o'clock and I've been working off and on since seven this morning. I started working in my room while Juan ran the front desk then I took over in the afternoon. It's been steadily busy all night. At first I was surprised, but then I had to remind myself that I've been working on my own. I remind myself that last year I had a helper and though there was squabbling, there was someone to share the workload.
Keith will be arriving soon and I will retreat back into the space that has become mine here at work; a square bedroom with hard floors and two small alley ways on either side of the bed. One side is currently lined with dirty clothes that are rapidly piling around the bags of clean, unfolded clothes. The other side is a parking lane for the boxes removed from the apartment this last Monday.
I hear my song and it's so beautiful I smile and weep at the same time. Deft tones resonate. The vibrations reveal a motherless boy who sees affection as his nemesis. Those who have been hooked cannot seem to belive beyond this paradigm. Do they then see me as weak when I touch them with such sincere frailty? Does my lending to vulnerabilty set in motion a battlefield they must position themselves on to hold ground; save face? Or do they learn by example...and see that my strength has always been in letting all feelings have value and weight. A tear clears the eye of debris as much as it can the heart the fallen tree in its path.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Alicia Keys - "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart"
Even if you are a million miles away I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me
And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you
You you wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me
I thought you told me you’d never leave me
Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I knew right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right till the end
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Anybody could’ve told you right from the start it’s ‘bout to fall apart
So why not then hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it, don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Near me, touch me, feel me
And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you
You you wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me
I thought you told me you’d never leave me
Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I knew right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right till the end
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Anybody could’ve told you right from the start it’s ‘bout to fall apart
So why not then hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it, don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Never Eat Shreaded Wheat
I gazed at the moon earlier before I started working and I knew that tonight was going to be fraught with the drama that is real life unfolding everyday. I spent time alone in my room listening to music and chatting online with my sister. She reminded me of a story from when the ex b/f, Randy, and I stayed in Laguna Niguel at my mom's condo when she was younger. Laughs.
I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing the family together very soon. This second time moving back to live at my work temporarily has displaced me in a different way than I experienced it the last time. It's hard for me to formulate the words to convey the feeling. There is the part of me who excels at being independent and single and that part of my personality is breathing fresh air again. I told James earlier that change can be a good thing but when making a change it's usually good to have a purpose or idea of a direction...
And so my compass working.
I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing the family together very soon. This second time moving back to live at my work temporarily has displaced me in a different way than I experienced it the last time. It's hard for me to formulate the words to convey the feeling. There is the part of me who excels at being independent and single and that part of my personality is breathing fresh air again. I told James earlier that change can be a good thing but when making a change it's usually good to have a purpose or idea of a direction...
And so my compass working.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Esoterically Erotic
I bought a CD for the first time in as long as I can remember. I was at Amoeba Records on Sunset where I've been purchasing used movies over the course of the past year--since he entered my life. There are so many things of "the city" that I've become used to because of an adaptable nature. Like them or not.... adapting sometimes has no bias.
The CD is eSTHeRO's "Wicked Lil Grrrls." I've previously enjoyed her song on the GO soundtrack as well as the single "OG Bitch." As the title track starts to play right now I realize that this played on a Smallville episode. I want to cry for a second, then I smile and swallow the sudden rush of saliva that filled my mouth as if the tears were sucked back and flushed down the nasal passage. It's a fun song nonetheless.
Still one hour until the Domino's pizza that I pre-ordered will even begin to be baked. I think a walk to the store is in order as my stomach can't wait.
October was a very bad month. November isn't looking much brighter yet.
The CD is eSTHeRO's "Wicked Lil Grrrls." I've previously enjoyed her song on the GO soundtrack as well as the single "OG Bitch." As the title track starts to play right now I realize that this played on a Smallville episode. I want to cry for a second, then I smile and swallow the sudden rush of saliva that filled my mouth as if the tears were sucked back and flushed down the nasal passage. It's a fun song nonetheless.
Still one hour until the Domino's pizza that I pre-ordered will even begin to be baked. I think a walk to the store is in order as my stomach can't wait.
October was a very bad month. November isn't looking much brighter yet.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Walking Hollywood
There is that look that you can see in a guy's eyes when they pass by that is not truly attraction, but curiosity at knowing both the look staring back at them and the feeling they have without thought or warning.
I enjoy surprise sometimes
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