Starry Bursts

All the light let in.
All time is paced.
This vision is like ecstasy
And yet sad at the same time.

Strange that eyes so darkened
are able to see such light.

Music is the medicine tonight.
Madness... it's audience.

He Who Is No More

There's a grain of sand in my right eye that I haven't been able to dislodge either by immersing my eye in water and blinking or by crying. (It felt good to cry though)

Tumbles of thoughts. Some funny; some romantic, some just dreams that were built on real emotions; some memories that have staying power because they're based in a reality. We saw Randy yesterday. The doctors have asked for visitors to stop at this time because of concerns with his vitals while there. I know him... he wants information and he wants to be able to talk to them and he wants all of the tubes running in & out to be yanked from him. He wants a drink, a cigarette and a "lil sumthin' sumthin'" (I can hear him say.) I'm not strong enough to write more now.

The beach performed most of its usual healing powers on me today. I floated out past where the waves were breaking and stared into a sky with kites and birds. Listening to my own breathing as the waves covered my ears, I thought of my grandmother dispersed out among the tiny particles all around me. I just want to feel her warmth right now. I wished that Tyler could have given it to me, but he needs his strength and I would be taking too much. Mario and Alex are these seemingly mythical beings that I keep around but wisdom has already dictated distance. When I'm with my friends I am in a mind frame where I feel a warmth that keeps me running, but it doesn't fuel me. They are wonderful people, but I still long for those moments of safety found in a single kiss. It's sometimes weird around Eddy because of such shared seconds. Nick and Joseph were at the house last night and I had that same sensation or strangeness, but not as strange as it would be around Jorge right now. I sometimes think that a clean slate is all I need, because memories make appeals that cannot always be accommodated.

Dry dry skin.
Eye still irritated.
No more tears to give.

Crowded Heart

"Now I'm walking again...
To the beat of the drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart..."

-Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House.

Repeating the repetition

All I have are a bunch of song lyrics that are playing in my head. I haven't gotten to sleep in peace for a few weeks now. I don't see that changing anytime soon. Ouch. It hurts so much and I can't do anything to stop it. Even the ocean on the 4th of July could quell the pain for a few hours before it all caught up to me again.

....you can't do anything. Thanks though. He's out there, somewhere. She's watching over me, somehow. I'm right where I'm supposed to be, or I wouldn't be.

Provided By MetroLyrics

"I thought you were special....I thought you should know, that I've run out of patience. I couldn't care less."
-Special by Garbage.



LIFE FOR RENT - DIDO

I haven'?t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologise that once again I'?m not in love
But it'?s not as if I mind that your heart aint exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

And if my life is for rent and I don'?t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I'?ve always thought that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what'?s happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

And if my life is for rent and I don'?t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won'?t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won'?t even try
Well how can I say I'?m alive

If my life is for rent...?


Plumb - Damaged

Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that
I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing
comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

Fiesta! Cantina! Loco! Loco! DANCE!

The Contagion Non Grata

I must remember to laugh instead of clutching pillows.

Remember Me

I must make the next shifting event of my life.
I am not sure I'm strong enough....
I am not sure I want to...
I am annoyed that I am writing like this.

I feel there are more important things.

Personal Training

Personal responsibility is a building block to prevent societal tragedies. When the construction is left in the hands of the unskilled.... (insert disaster here)

Blame being an exercise in intellectual masturbation, I'll add my nickels and dimes and say that the skills are taught and that the student is only as good as the teacher. Yes, there are rebellious students. But a rebel is born of some misdeed. Learning all the time.

If I'm hard on others... I'm just as hard on myself.
I am never hard enough.
I do not wish to rebel on myself again.

Planetude

A glass princess took her shards of tears and tossed them off the balcony. The light from the purple sun glimmered in brilliant sparkles as they made their way toward the red rocks below. All the crying shadows stopped their wailing at once as the glimmers turned to fiery crystals and painted the rocks that they landed on. As if foretold, the shadows evaporated into the sun. Purple folded inward and indigo faded out.

And though the shards were gone, her eyes still bled.

Random Writes

I slept for six hours straight last night. The night before I was bit by something on my arms. I saw Superman Returns last night and I liked it. I updated the style of randycardwell.blogspot.com and that gave me something to focus on this morning. I'm trying to decide what to do today and this evening. I never responded to Alex yesterday. I got a raise at my boring job. I should turn the laptop off soon because it's warm. I had a dream about Randy and his family and they moved him out of the ICU into something else because of the construction that was going on. I'm very vague on the specifics so I'll stop typing about it. I should eat soon. I think somehow I've engaged auto-pilot out of a survival instinct.