So that thing I forgot and then thought I remembered was not it. The Red Roof Inn is what I remembered. I was driving home from Los Angeles after dancing on Thursday night. Nicolas was in the passenger seat and we were approaching the 5FWY to from the 91 East. I saw the Red Roof Inn to my left and remembered a night that Randy and I stayed there when we were both living at home.
I have a faint memory of the color of the room.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Car Talk
I remember what I was trying to write in the last entry. I used to wake up with Randy on Saturdays and listen to Car Talk on NPR. It would be a way of staying in bed and slowly becoming alert to the world. It was a good and happy memory with him.
I'm listening to it now.
I'm listening to it now.
The Sunshine on the Gray Cloud
A few days ago I was reminded of something. I wanted to write it down but I never did. A few minutes ago I remembered this thing and rolled over to come and type it in here and after about five minutes I realized that I had trotted down another project's road; renaming a file title and moving from one directory to another. Then, I heard the orchestral version of Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now" and my world stopped again. It was the only thing worth focusing on. It's still playing in the background. As I listen, I can sense that memory of what I wanted to write down somewhere right underneath the surface of the fingertips that pluck away at these keys. Alas, the memory is not typed out.
Wet rooftops.
Wet rooftops.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
I'm Still Smiling
When we say, "It's nothing special." do we really mean that or do we mean that whatever we are trying to describe simply does not have that much value to us?
I read that last entry and thought it was funny that I could remember typing it on my phone but I didn't have the memory until I actually read it on the screen in my bedroom. Memory is mysterious to me that way. I'm sure it's less mysterious to a neurosurgeon, or anyone else who has the tiniest knowledge about the brain, but even these knowledgeable folks cannot pinpoint the exact science that creates and stores a memory. Pneumonic devices and radioactive isotopes are not the answer. Time, simply time.
My second day not driving into the job. I've been down with something; not quite sure what it is. Not sure that I want to know. I know that it's something that isn't going to kill me and that no doctor is required quite yet. I know that someday I may want a more thorough definition, but for today and yesterday and one day this weekend, it simply is what it is.
Somehow I'm still smiling.
I read that last entry and thought it was funny that I could remember typing it on my phone but I didn't have the memory until I actually read it on the screen in my bedroom. Memory is mysterious to me that way. I'm sure it's less mysterious to a neurosurgeon, or anyone else who has the tiniest knowledge about the brain, but even these knowledgeable folks cannot pinpoint the exact science that creates and stores a memory. Pneumonic devices and radioactive isotopes are not the answer. Time, simply time.
My second day not driving into the job. I've been down with something; not quite sure what it is. Not sure that I want to know. I know that it's something that isn't going to kill me and that no doctor is required quite yet. I know that someday I may want a more thorough definition, but for today and yesterday and one day this weekend, it simply is what it is.
Somehow I'm still smiling.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
1010011101010001010 and somewhere the zzz's
Where is my sleep? I can't find it.
I'm going to be so tired when I am awake later.
Awakening will be tiresome.
The tires on my car need to be rotated.
Lame word play.
Maybe I am sleepy.
I'm going to be so tired when I am awake later.
Awakening will be tiresome.
The tires on my car need to be rotated.
Lame word play.
Maybe I am sleepy.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Sing a Stab of Six Pensive Senses
Superlicious. Superbulent. My two neologisms for the Superbowl Weekend.
Sleepy shaky. Serotonin congregating in the openness of what is my brain. Serenity. Seeking it is a joyful climb; a tearful slide. Sleeping will synthesize these drugs so that I'll smile more. A smile is contagious because it spreads joy and hides a tale simultaneously. I should have let my eyes stay shut when I closed them three quarters ago. Instead, I insisted on getting up and moving.
Rossi who? An I.O.U. lingers out there in a text message. If Jeremy could just turn off the mind long enough to go with the flow I probably wouldn't be so interesting to myself.
Brandon beckons some of these fiery synapses. My head feels like it's burning inside, but not like an ache or a pressure longing for a valve to be turned. It is just not used to so many alterations so quickly. In time, I'll remember how to allow these things to coarse on this course I'm on.
I hope to dream tonight.
I hope to wake with that smile.
It's not the same; unable to feel the breathing beside me.
Sleepy shaky. Serotonin congregating in the openness of what is my brain. Serenity. Seeking it is a joyful climb; a tearful slide. Sleeping will synthesize these drugs so that I'll smile more. A smile is contagious because it spreads joy and hides a tale simultaneously. I should have let my eyes stay shut when I closed them three quarters ago. Instead, I insisted on getting up and moving.
Rossi who? An I.O.U. lingers out there in a text message. If Jeremy could just turn off the mind long enough to go with the flow I probably wouldn't be so interesting to myself.
Brandon beckons some of these fiery synapses. My head feels like it's burning inside, but not like an ache or a pressure longing for a valve to be turned. It is just not used to so many alterations so quickly. In time, I'll remember how to allow these things to coarse on this course I'm on.
I hope to dream tonight.
I hope to wake with that smile.
It's not the same; unable to feel the breathing beside me.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Hidden & Seeking
"Religion is a smile on a dog."
-Edie Brickell
It has begun. No, it has become more visible. I just got off the phone with Cardwell and it looks like I won't be seeing him this weekend. He isn't coming out this evening and not going to join for any celebrations tomorrow. Instead, he's staying home and preparing food and I was invited to join. He mentioned that Rey and Adam were invited. In my head I already had plans to go to Arturo's or possibly Hamburger Mary's with Ken. The negative energy that I tolerate from Randy has always been due to the connection that I feel. I can relate. I know of his true goodness to be there for another person regardless of the shell that could kill. But this shell is less tolerable to me when I'm on meds. Either I'm more sensitive to his negative words or I'm more tuned into them because I'm less afraid of thinking and feeling exactly what enters. It has never been worth a confrontation because I know how it will play out. Defense mechanisms go into place and evil words come out of his mouth. I realize now that it has not begun, it has been going on for a long time.
Another person cannot hold you back, only you can do that. That's a lofty self-help book scribbling somewhere, I'm sure. When the goals trying to be obtained are those which do not require the aid or approval of someone else, this may be true. When we speak about being in relationships where the other person "keeps" us in a place, this may have validity but with exceptions. Sometimes our connections with people become such a part of us that we do not have the ability to move away from them so easily. To do so hurts us, pains us, takes a tremendous amount of strength and energy that may ultimately prove to be more damaging to us. I know that whatever reason I'm hanging around this blue ball I have not finished connecting streams of energy that are diverted in others.
What happens to a person who realizes that they have an infinite number of streams running through them?
I look through the names on my phone and realize that there are few people that I actually talk to.
I heard a story on the radio a few days ago. In it someone said that we wouldn't wipe a piece of paper over something in our house and consider it clean. What do we wipe our asses with?
Maybe when there is more than one person who shows interest in me, instead of trying to see each or all of them and make a decision I'm just supposed to enjoy the time. That's a maybe that is a quick thought and one that I don't entertain much because I know that as soon as someone's emotions intertwine with my life and I'm not at the same place then I begin to feel a pain of knowing that I have to be honest with them. Maybe when there is more than one person who shows interest in me I am supposed to remember the lessons of the past and how ultimately this happiness that I find in being single is one that I'm meant to maintain stability in. Somehow that just seems a cop out to me. Not that I don't think there are people who truly are happy being single, but I'm just not sure that I am that person. The truth... Part of me probably is that person and part of me is not and the two are not compatible but they go round and round trying to be. One will not defer to the other.
This song came to me when I woke up this morning so I listened to it on continuous repeat for a while. Then I sang it in the shower. And here it is to end this entry.
"You Make It Easy"
by Air
Never been here - How about you ?
You smile at my answer,
You've given me the chance,
To be held and understood.
You leave me laughing without crying,
There's no use denying,
For many times I've tried,
Love has never felt as good.
Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.
You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy...
How'd you do it ? How'd you find me ?
How did I find you ?
How can this be true ?
To be held and understood.
Keep it coming - no one's running
The lesson I'm learning
'Cause blessings are deserved
By the trust that always could
Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.
You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy...
You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy...
So watch me fall in love.
-Edie Brickell
It has begun. No, it has become more visible. I just got off the phone with Cardwell and it looks like I won't be seeing him this weekend. He isn't coming out this evening and not going to join for any celebrations tomorrow. Instead, he's staying home and preparing food and I was invited to join. He mentioned that Rey and Adam were invited. In my head I already had plans to go to Arturo's or possibly Hamburger Mary's with Ken. The negative energy that I tolerate from Randy has always been due to the connection that I feel. I can relate. I know of his true goodness to be there for another person regardless of the shell that could kill. But this shell is less tolerable to me when I'm on meds. Either I'm more sensitive to his negative words or I'm more tuned into them because I'm less afraid of thinking and feeling exactly what enters. It has never been worth a confrontation because I know how it will play out. Defense mechanisms go into place and evil words come out of his mouth. I realize now that it has not begun, it has been going on for a long time.
Another person cannot hold you back, only you can do that. That's a lofty self-help book scribbling somewhere, I'm sure. When the goals trying to be obtained are those which do not require the aid or approval of someone else, this may be true. When we speak about being in relationships where the other person "keeps" us in a place, this may have validity but with exceptions. Sometimes our connections with people become such a part of us that we do not have the ability to move away from them so easily. To do so hurts us, pains us, takes a tremendous amount of strength and energy that may ultimately prove to be more damaging to us. I know that whatever reason I'm hanging around this blue ball I have not finished connecting streams of energy that are diverted in others.
What happens to a person who realizes that they have an infinite number of streams running through them?
I look through the names on my phone and realize that there are few people that I actually talk to.
I heard a story on the radio a few days ago. In it someone said that we wouldn't wipe a piece of paper over something in our house and consider it clean. What do we wipe our asses with?
Maybe when there is more than one person who shows interest in me, instead of trying to see each or all of them and make a decision I'm just supposed to enjoy the time. That's a maybe that is a quick thought and one that I don't entertain much because I know that as soon as someone's emotions intertwine with my life and I'm not at the same place then I begin to feel a pain of knowing that I have to be honest with them. Maybe when there is more than one person who shows interest in me I am supposed to remember the lessons of the past and how ultimately this happiness that I find in being single is one that I'm meant to maintain stability in. Somehow that just seems a cop out to me. Not that I don't think there are people who truly are happy being single, but I'm just not sure that I am that person. The truth... Part of me probably is that person and part of me is not and the two are not compatible but they go round and round trying to be. One will not defer to the other.
This song came to me when I woke up this morning so I listened to it on continuous repeat for a while. Then I sang it in the shower. And here it is to end this entry.
"You Make It Easy"
by Air
Never been here - How about you ?
You smile at my answer,
You've given me the chance,
To be held and understood.
You leave me laughing without crying,
There's no use denying,
For many times I've tried,
Love has never felt as good.
Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.
You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy...
How'd you do it ? How'd you find me ?
How did I find you ?
How can this be true ?
To be held and understood.
Keep it coming - no one's running
The lesson I'm learning
'Cause blessings are deserved
By the trust that always could
Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.
You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy...
You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy...
So watch me fall in love.
