Malaise on Mayo....maybe the next song title for Closer To Legal.
Butterfingered thoughts off the ball. Bleak threads inside of shallow breaths. I hear sounds in the background when I walk; like crickets outside of the window that are just part of the night's canvas. I want them to be understood, but the more I listen, the more foreign they are and it could drive me mad if I didn't stop. There truly are no original thoughts. Spin. "I just watched my life go by." Ahead of me is everything that was behind me and one moment can define. Morsels: more souls: Moore soles. I play with the words to show that a silent kind of communication is to be trusted more than words. Words obscure, as much as others will proclaim their ability to bring clarity. Words bring clarity for some like religion as a path for others. And I'm tired, oh so tired and maybe this whole rant is the new Malaise on Mayo. And maybe this rant is just me again.
Sunday, September 08, 2002
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
Hour By Hour
So I'm trying something new... like always. (or never)
EVENTS:
6:30am awake
6:31am back asleep
7:30am awake
7:45am E-mail Alegebra professor intent to have semester grade based solely on my final exam and not test/quizzes
8:05am back asleep
8:45am awake...went running
9:05am back from run, showered
9:05---10:30 LOST TIME I think I mostly listened to music, ate a bowl of Basic 4, watched a Bjork DVD, talked online, jacked off, and got school stuff ready.
10:45--arrived at English Writing conference room to work on Ch.2 of story idea. An hour later, one whole typed page. woo hoo... boo.
11:45--bored, return home to look for a movie.
1:20pm--arrive at Westpark Cinemas to watch 1:35 showing of the movie XXX (Tripe X). While waiting I text messaged Randy, Eric & Dionna. Found out Dionna worked @ El Torito tonight at 6pm.
4:00pm--or thereabouts, get home and talk online with Rob & Jayson until Randy gets home at 4:45pm.
5:00pm--hunger pains. We set off on side streets to goto El Torito
6:00pm--arrive at El Torito. One hour side street drive that normally takes 20-25 minutes freeway.
8:00pm--(approximately) we arrive home. I talk on the phone with Randy C. and catch up on his cruiseship experiences. I think of BUSH's first album title, "6Teen Stone."
8--10pm Randy & I lay in bed watching Enterprise, are logged onto AOL and casually chatting with absolutely no one interesting; waiting for SouthPark
10pm SouthPark is a re-run, but funny. Randy is horny, I'm not, but am having fun jacking him off to the point where he shoots our wall again. =+)
10:30--11pm I get horny and j/o to some porn from the internet.
11pm--both tired, hot, fall asleep without covers and in the nude.
EVENTS:
6:30am awake
6:31am back asleep
7:30am awake
7:45am E-mail Alegebra professor intent to have semester grade based solely on my final exam and not test/quizzes
8:05am back asleep
8:45am awake...went running
9:05am back from run, showered
9:05---10:30 LOST TIME I think I mostly listened to music, ate a bowl of Basic 4, watched a Bjork DVD, talked online, jacked off, and got school stuff ready.
10:45--arrived at English Writing conference room to work on Ch.2 of story idea. An hour later, one whole typed page. woo hoo... boo.
11:45--bored, return home to look for a movie.
1:20pm--arrive at Westpark Cinemas to watch 1:35 showing of the movie XXX (Tripe X). While waiting I text messaged Randy, Eric & Dionna. Found out Dionna worked @ El Torito tonight at 6pm.
4:00pm--or thereabouts, get home and talk online with Rob & Jayson until Randy gets home at 4:45pm.
5:00pm--hunger pains. We set off on side streets to goto El Torito
6:00pm--arrive at El Torito. One hour side street drive that normally takes 20-25 minutes freeway.
8:00pm--(approximately) we arrive home. I talk on the phone with Randy C. and catch up on his cruiseship experiences. I think of BUSH's first album title, "6Teen Stone."
8--10pm Randy & I lay in bed watching Enterprise, are logged onto AOL and casually chatting with absolutely no one interesting; waiting for SouthPark
10pm SouthPark is a re-run, but funny. Randy is horny, I'm not, but am having fun jacking him off to the point where he shoots our wall again. =+)
10:30--11pm I get horny and j/o to some porn from the internet.
11pm--both tired, hot, fall asleep without covers and in the nude.
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
experiment
CJ Stone - "Infinity"
This is the second week of school. My class started at 8am, and no, I'm not on a laptop in class at present. [yawn] I've always written when I've felt inspired to do so, not to deadlines or upon request. A closer evaluation reveals that I'm turned off to writing when there is some artificial element to it. That being said, I've dropped my Writing 1 class, but have kept the workshop .5 unit class. The idea being that maybe I can use the structured time each week to sit and pump out a chapter a week until the end of the semester. It will be an experiment for me. Something has to be finished in order for it to be revised.
Eva Cassidy - "Over The Rainbow"
This is the second week of school. My class started at 8am, and no, I'm not on a laptop in class at present. [yawn] I've always written when I've felt inspired to do so, not to deadlines or upon request. A closer evaluation reveals that I'm turned off to writing when there is some artificial element to it. That being said, I've dropped my Writing 1 class, but have kept the workshop .5 unit class. The idea being that maybe I can use the structured time each week to sit and pump out a chapter a week until the end of the semester. It will be an experiment for me. Something has to be finished in order for it to be revised.
Eva Cassidy - "Over The Rainbow"
Thursday, August 15, 2002
It's not a habit
I remember reading an article about teenagers in Austrailia licking frogs to get high. This was back when I was in junior high or high school. The idea at the time repulsed me. I Thought how stupid those kids must be. Drugs are bad!
Today I think that those kids probably have a better understanding of life than I did back then. I may not believe a prince will be forthcoming, but I'd do it for the experience anyway.
I'm drinking Smirnoff Ice. It's heavy on the tartness... little on the alcohol. I feel more bloated than drunk, but definitely not sober. The 5 second bathroom runs are a bit unwelcome. There's an episode of Star Trek Voyager on the TV that I've never seen before, but I'm enjoying typing online, drinking and listening to music more than to tear myself away and sit in front of the tube.
Carpe Diem. Yeah.
Today I think that those kids probably have a better understanding of life than I did back then. I may not believe a prince will be forthcoming, but I'd do it for the experience anyway.
I'm drinking Smirnoff Ice. It's heavy on the tartness... little on the alcohol. I feel more bloated than drunk, but definitely not sober. The 5 second bathroom runs are a bit unwelcome. There's an episode of Star Trek Voyager on the TV that I've never seen before, but I'm enjoying typing online, drinking and listening to music more than to tear myself away and sit in front of the tube.
Carpe Diem. Yeah.
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
Conduits Short Circuit
["Conduits" storyline thoughts]
Somehow a brain is only part of the solution. I mean, we can do so much without one. Look around. Wonders abound with brainless activity. But then we build these reaching to space skyscrapers, bridges that float, and put people into the openness that has no air.
A man still stares at a boy with the eyes of a boy. It's not the brain that remembers what point in time the man is really at, it's the mirror or the expression on the face of the boy that jabs a knife into the man's ego.
So the old men have this money; an enticing situation for the young faces that only need attention. Slowly that part of the brain that was once stabbed is turning tables and subtly twisting the knife's sharp edge on the pusher. It's an unfelt pain that doesn't manifest for years.
I think one tear drop contains the entire essence of these toughts.
Somehow a brain is only part of the solution. I mean, we can do so much without one. Look around. Wonders abound with brainless activity. But then we build these reaching to space skyscrapers, bridges that float, and put people into the openness that has no air.
A man still stares at a boy with the eyes of a boy. It's not the brain that remembers what point in time the man is really at, it's the mirror or the expression on the face of the boy that jabs a knife into the man's ego.
So the old men have this money; an enticing situation for the young faces that only need attention. Slowly that part of the brain that was once stabbed is turning tables and subtly twisting the knife's sharp edge on the pusher. It's an unfelt pain that doesn't manifest for years.
I think one tear drop contains the entire essence of these toughts.
Monday, July 29, 2002
If Not Me, Now? Who?
If not me, now? Who? I wrote that in my day planner earlier tonight while at work.
Friday, June 28, 2002
Great Expectations
There's the faint aching of a frontal lobe, sleep deprovation headache coming on. My eyes feel strained from wearing my contacts; bulging as if they could "pop" the contacts right off and breathe in some air. I feel like crying, as if somehow that could soothe me and make everything okay.
Randy is asleep on the couch next to me. His phone just rang. There it goes again. Whoever is calling must have got the idea that it's 3am.
The irony. LOL. I smile, but it's more out of pain. On our drive out to L.A I talked about not expecting too much from his work so that he wouldn't be disappointed. I didn't seem to remember this advice when we got to the club and his tired, "Randy First" attitude took precedence. I expected more, and less. More that it would be a fun time for us to be together and less of...hmm, less of Randy? I wonder if sometimes I don't just see the more true and untethered him when he drinks. That's fucking in the genes too. Thanks mom. Patterns.
I'm ready to go to sleep anytime, he says. Yeah. Me too.
j.r.me
Randy is asleep on the couch next to me. His phone just rang. There it goes again. Whoever is calling must have got the idea that it's 3am.
The irony. LOL. I smile, but it's more out of pain. On our drive out to L.A I talked about not expecting too much from his work so that he wouldn't be disappointed. I didn't seem to remember this advice when we got to the club and his tired, "Randy First" attitude took precedence. I expected more, and less. More that it would be a fun time for us to be together and less of...hmm, less of Randy? I wonder if sometimes I don't just see the more true and untethered him when he drinks. That's fucking in the genes too. Thanks mom. Patterns.
I'm ready to go to sleep anytime, he says. Yeah. Me too.
j.r.me
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
And the truth shall set you free
Having a conversation with Alex online, listening to Incubus on MTV and re-reading some of these older entries, it seems so clear right now. The many words that I don't write are the stray thoughts that occupy so much use of energy.
It's like the stories of the past, when being honest would head off any chance of holding something over my head.
It's like the stories of the past, when being honest would head off any chance of holding something over my head.
Thursday, May 09, 2002
jumping hoops
Sometimes I can tell what day it is by what shows are on TV. Fuck.
I was having a "talking to myself" moment yesterday as I got up out of bed and realized that I'm not really a writer. I don't tell stories. Writing has just been my outlet and security in times of trying to cope with whatever my head wanted to spin me. My talent is interpretation and cultivating innate gifts. Why are there so many fucking hoops. I am so frustrated.
Even when I work for it, I am no more satisfied when something is achieved.
I was having a "talking to myself" moment yesterday as I got up out of bed and realized that I'm not really a writer. I don't tell stories. Writing has just been my outlet and security in times of trying to cope with whatever my head wanted to spin me. My talent is interpretation and cultivating innate gifts. Why are there so many fucking hoops. I am so frustrated.
Even when I work for it, I am no more satisfied when something is achieved.
Monday, May 06, 2002
I do
Years ago when I dated Steve Tanny he described me as a "free spirit." I just finished some aerobic exercise and I was sitting in front of the fan cooling down when this thought came to mind. It flew in on the wings of other thoughts... Grandma Jean; how some days I can be overjoyed with the outlook of a child and others when I'm locked in bed with the experience of a agoraphobe.(sp?)
I suppose I could be seen as "free." I'm sure that freedom is the inner lining to much of me. I wanted it for so long that when I got it I was too busy trying to obtain it to know it was here. Convention: something I have often rebuffed in favor of "my own way." How silly that the little boy I always wanted to keep around should surface in such a way. I like that he's still here, but it sure isn't life as I had imagined, nor that I would want to live through again.
This will be a short week. Only 4 hours of work tonight. I have Friday off for a Dr. appt. and then off to Pomona to speak in front of Valley Academy High School for PFLAG. I'm told it's a school assembly. I have mixed feelings. I hope for the best.
I do.
I suppose I could be seen as "free." I'm sure that freedom is the inner lining to much of me. I wanted it for so long that when I got it I was too busy trying to obtain it to know it was here. Convention: something I have often rebuffed in favor of "my own way." How silly that the little boy I always wanted to keep around should surface in such a way. I like that he's still here, but it sure isn't life as I had imagined, nor that I would want to live through again.
This will be a short week. Only 4 hours of work tonight. I have Friday off for a Dr. appt. and then off to Pomona to speak in front of Valley Academy High School for PFLAG. I'm told it's a school assembly. I have mixed feelings. I hope for the best.
I do.
