Effortless Energy

All through the years, I have been genuinely perplexed EACH time a person has expressed that I "get them." It has always been expressed as a unique or rare understanding of them. For me, it is simple sensory observation. I have never known any different way of learning/reading someone.

Tonight, I'm having one of my Dumb Genius moments. Jeremy, why wouldn't people react this way? I only have to look at any of the relationships throughout the entirety of my life and can count on a hand the number of times I have felt someone truly understood me.  I'm beginning to realize tonight ...
... Weird.... (I've paused several seconds) ...I'm having a very deja vu moment--as if what I'm trying to write tonight has processed in my mind before...

Hmmmm

Listening to Lakes in Lots

Sometimes the best surprises are born when I force myself to be in a situation that I am not sure about.  These are times when instinct doesn't immediately give me a green or a red light.  I could use the metaphor of being "on the fence" to illustrate these times, but that's not always the case.  Sometimes, I believe I may just not know--the uneasiness of the unknown.  True, not all of these situations bare positive surprises, but today was one of the initially mentioned times. 

Lunch in West Hollywood with people a group of people who are not close friends; who actually started out as customers from a former place of business some six years ago.  I had my first "Manhattan" drink at The Abbey with Steve & Reed, Brian and Brian's friend, Jeff.  The company of older gay men as I age is an evolving experience.  It involves the wisdom that comes with time in selecting friends, overcoming my own ignorance and prejudice and also listening to the instincts that may not give explanation as to why or why not.

Seeing the tortured soul--and not my own--brings forth a frustrating emotion the more I understand an individual.  I find it building walls or selecting primal survival choices to live in this cultural where "it's not my problem" is a mantra made too easy to milk these days.  (Any time frame, perhaps.)  I wonder if this feeling that arises in me is anything similar to what others see when they look at me.

The Passing of Peep

The rain starts to pound so hard as I break down... I haven't cried like this since the many months after
Randy died. My fingers shake so much that it's easier to just collapse into my blanket and get to the point of hyperventilating while I play Esthero's "GO" on never-ending repeat.  As much as I believe in celebrating someone's life, and want that for others when I'm gone, I don't think you can be a healthy human without first grieving the loss.  Everyone's grief grows or becomes grounded within the brambles of memories made with a lost loved one.

Tyler was this bright, beaming bundle of an 18 year old boy when I met him on Randy's Costa Mesa condo doorstep.  This was an era of a thing called AOL.  His presence would be brief, but poignant and marked with a meaning that will remain with me until I see "them all" again.


Keep your head in the clouds, Peep.  That's why you're beautiful.




LYRICS:
I’ve always been on the run
And I thought I could chase the sun
Without breaking his heart.
The truth is when all is said and done,
It was over before we even started, yeah.

I told you I’m not afraid
And you said, “I wish I could feel the same,
But I won’t have a friend.
The truth is you ought to leave this town, girl,
Don’t ever look back and keep your head in the clouds,
That’s why you’re beautiful."

Go, see how far you can reach.
And baby, don’t look back until you get exactly what you need.
‘cause there’s no shortage of your possibilities.
So, baby, don’t come back until you get exactly what you need.
You won’t find it in me

I’m finally here and I’m living a dream (I'm living my dream)
And I’m playing the part of a star on the screen.
(In this movie that I always knew I would be in)
It’s crazy we see things for what they’ve been,
I keep asking myself “is this really happening to me?”

He told me
Go, see how far you can reach.
And baby, don’t look back until you get exactly what you need.
‘cause there’s no shortage of possibilities.
So, baby, don’t come back until you get exactly what you need.
You won’t find it in me, no matter what you believe.

My mother is full of grace,
And my daddy still lives at the same old place
At the side of the hill, at the corner of town,
The days are still long and the roads are still dusty
It’s been a full year, but I come home when I can.

But now I need to
Go, see how far I can reach.
And I’m not coming back until I get exactly what I need.
‘cause there are no shortage of possibilities.
And God, right now I’m asking, won’t you give me something to believe,
I need to,
But now I need to
Go, see how far I can reach.
I’m not looking back until I get exactly what I need.
‘cause there is no shortage of possibilities.
Baby, don’t come back until you get exactly what you need.
You will find all you need, but you’ve got to believe.

I’ve always been on the road,
And I, I thought I could chase the sun.