Tizz

Pianos play for pages before some of us like the song of our lives. No matter where you are in your song, it's the first note you feel that tears you apart and makes you thankful to be alive.

It's eleven o'clock and I've been working off and on since seven this morning.  I started working in my room while Juan ran the front desk then I took over in the afternoon.  It's been steadily busy all night.  At first I was surprised, but then I had to remind myself that I've been working on my own.  I remind myself that last year I had a helper and though there was squabbling, there was someone to share the workload.

Keith will be arriving soon and I will retreat back into the space that has become mine here at work; a square bedroom with hard floors and two small alley ways on either side of the bed.  One side is currently lined with dirty clothes that are rapidly piling around the bags of clean, unfolded clothes.  The other side is a parking lane for the boxes removed from the apartment this last Monday. 

I hear my song and it's so beautiful I smile and weep at the same time.  Deft tones resonate.  The vibrations reveal a motherless boy who sees affection as his nemesis.  Those who have been hooked cannot seem to belive beyond this paradigm.  Do they then see me as weak when I touch them with such sincere frailty?  Does my lending to vulnerabilty set in motion a battlefield they must position themselves on to hold ground; save face?  Or do they learn by example...and see that my strength has always been in letting all feelings have value and weight.  A tear clears the eye of debris as much as it can the heart the fallen tree in its path.

Alicia Keys - "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart"

Even if you are a million miles away I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You you wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me
I thought you told me you’d never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I knew right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right till the end

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could’ve told you right from the start it’s ‘bout to fall apart
So why not then hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it, don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Never Eat Shreaded Wheat

I gazed at the moon earlier before I started working and I knew that tonight was going to be fraught with the drama that is real life unfolding everyday.  I spent time alone in my room listening to music and chatting online with my sister.  She reminded me of a story from when the ex b/f, Randy, and I stayed in Laguna Niguel at my mom's condo when she was younger.  Laughs.

I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing the family together very soon.  This second time moving back to live at my work temporarily has displaced me in a different way than I experienced it the last time.  It's hard for me to formulate the words to convey the feeling.  There is the part of me who excels at being independent and single and that part of my personality is breathing fresh air again.  I told James earlier that change can be a good thing but when making a change it's usually good to have a purpose or idea of a direction...

And so my compass working.