It Thinks Out Loud

My plan was to brainstorm all my thoughts out.... and before I started typing I paused and tried to think about what I was going to type and what I wasn't going to type which really defeats the purpose of brainstorming. I figure something has to come out that I want. I went out earlier with my roommate, Charlie, and before showering I thought it might be nice to have a few drinks and just relax in some small social setting but when I got out of the shower something in the water lead me to think that drinking wouldn't be the best thing after this last week of sadness. I still went out. We went to Flux. I was uncomfortable there because I was thinking about writing and I couldn't there. Also I am so aware of eyes watching me. Lustful eyes. Casual glance eyes. Lesbian eyes that have no interest that the space that I'm taking up. Then beyond the looks there is the reading of body language and the signals and the unspoken yelling that each body seems to do when I focus on them. It becomes suffocating until I focus on something. There were years where I never saw any of this. Never paid it any mind. I also had a chip on my shoulder then and entered places like Flux or any other bar/club with an exacting purpose and never concerned myself with all of the people around me. I think of oracles and how they are often depicted as being segregated from the society that seeks their counsel. It makes sense to me if they are gifted with insight that being around many would be a distraction, but how then does one gain insight (if not naturally occurring) without first being around people to learn and experience what they transmit; say without speaking, long for, believe.....I have my headset on. Random Play. The songs that I have not yet listened to which is well in the thousands since moving the music off of my hard drive and onto the external drive. Paul Oakenfold "Another World Disc 1" A song that somehow stirs a memory of a West Hollywood condo belonging to someone named, Ruben, and Miguel and I on the couch. We are alone. This is shortly before I met lil Randy so I was still 25. I'm amazed that eight years can move so quickly. I pause here. To enjoy the music but to expand with it too. Cardwell called me today. It was nice to hear his voice. As we spoke I could feel a part of me opening up that has not been here since before December last year. It was my comfort zone in knowing someone who knows me. I've missed him. It's been hard to be where I have been. And where have I been? I'm watching myself in this movie. Sometimes I'm watching it on the trailer summary starting back as an adult and rolling to the present. Sometimes I'm only looking at the past few months. Sometimes I'm projecting into the future, but never too far, never like I used to. Living in the now but setting goals for the future. "A Love Before Time [English]" from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon has started to play by CoCo Lee featuring Yo-Yo Ma. I feel empty and yet I know I'm not. While watching all of season 1 and season 2 of Dexter, there was an episode where one character says something to the effect about everyone or every life having their one great love and that he had already had his. I think for those of us who dream and desire something monogamous that this may be true. Eddie from Las Vegas IM's me this passage from a book he is reading:
she says ".. this woman was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny"


It makes me smile. He's a friend in that circle outside of the core who doesn't know me as closely and distance will keep it that way since there is no regular opportunity to know each other's daily selves. I received a flag in the mail from my brother, Philip. It was flown on a mission in the Gulf. I'm at a loss as to what I'm going to do with it or why I received it. I truly appreciate the gesture and in our family any extension of contact is a good thing usually. I still do two spaces after every period because that's how I was taught on a manual typewriter in Mr. Roa's 7th grade class. The habit has come in handy on my blackberry (aka to some as a crackberry and aka to me as a boys-in-berry) because two spaces after a character will automatically place a period and start in upper case for the next word. I'm obviously not saying anything now. I'm pausing between sentences a lot here which I'm not supposed to do.



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Now playing on Winamp: The Fleetwoods - Come Softly To Me

INFANTessimal

How does a soul never met have so much contact with us? Partly the expectations and imaginations of those who feel the connection but I would hypothesize that the interconnectedness of our energies is tapped into each others' soul 24/7. I may not get the chance to know you, Taylor Riley Alejandrino, but I will not forget you.

Two days of not sleeping comes to an end now. Bette Midler - "The Last Time"

Let this be the last time
Let this be the last time....

Mental Closets

It's a funny metaphor at 33 to still be pulling things out of my closet, yet I find myself literally and figuratively still doing it. The junk that gets stored there over time is much easier to store with a door closed than it is to pull it out to be seen all the time.

I'm trying to go through a box right now. Why have I kept this "stuff" for so long?

Men in these closets... ideas never touched and ideas touched and gone. Lessons learned and obeyed; lessons known but not learned. It's so easy to fall for an idea because I've painted blinders to the thoughts that I don't want to see. Too bad they cannot be hidden from the all seeing eye of the sub and unconscious. Those parts of you that feed instinct and make an impact on physiology while you're trying to ignore it and using the higher brain functions as a pawn for the "ought nots" in sight.

If dating is what I want..... there are a line of steps and stair I must climb first. So I'm standing at the bottom of the flights and looking upward to the journey. Mentally preparing myself.

Breathing.

W*H*A*T**E*V*E*R*!

This is absolutely one of the cutest things. Thanks Nick for posting it on my MySpace:

Taking Some Time...

I haven't posted anything here in almost a month. I've written many thoughts here and there; typed in notepad, scribbled on random papers. (Posted here and not published)

I'm not sure what to put down.
(I have already erased three lines since that last sentence)

hmm...

This is what I'm listening to:
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Now playing on Winamp: Tatu - 30 Minutes

I took a two hour walk last night then stopped at Jack In The Box and ordered an Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger Combo (Large) with a Dr. Pepper, regular fries, two regular tacos and a chicken sandwhich. I ate it all with my vitamins while watching tv. When tv was over I did sit-ups and push ups. I feel something of survival instincts kicking in because my mind is wrapped around so many things.

In sadness there is:


This has been on my for a long time but I have not spoken about it. I have not voiced anything about it. I have not used the sound from my mouth to yell because the fury has no specific ears to fiercely bring blood from. But I would shriek my sadness if I could find that person or people. I remember what it was to be a boy of 15. This sadness has cried me to sleep many nights. Not just for these boys.... for the ones that we know nothing about and for the ones who are yet to come.

In happiness there is:



I still don't get out and dance as much as I should. I'm working on it. It used to be a common thing with friends but dwindle does the deed. Domestication? This video makes me happy to watch. Not just because of the dancing. This is someone's labor of creativity and technical talent. While I may not feel much from staring at a painting or sculpted artifact that resides in a museum, nor anything from watching a black and white film from an era long gone, I still see beauty and appreciate random artforms. They make me smile everyday.

In confusion there is:
Family. Friends. (Family) Roads I have taken and am to take. Byron will have a child in the next couple months. Philip will be home from Iraq. Heidi (cousin) will be married soon. I don't even know her but by blood. Why does history have to be so cruel and the learning of it to be the burden of those who could not avoid the choices of others? When the elders were alive and well the family was so much more intact---even with the secrets that children hear only whispers of.

And I still miss her so much.