Foggy morning, Full moon

It smelled like sulfur when I got out of my car and walked into the lobby this morning.  I didn't notice any ash flakes like I did yesterday.  The full moon above the smoke layer gave off a pinkish/red glow in the morning twilight.

Byron called a few days ago to tell me I'm going to be an uncle.  I'm sure this will sink in more as it becomes more real.

It will be nice to have a baby in the family again.... hasn't happened since Sarah was born 20 years ago.

Gay Uncles

Byron told me yesterday that I'm going to be an uncle.  Sometime in May.

Forlorn Cuddles

Ashy air
all newsworthy thunder
Illuminating fire
showing Earth torn asunder



goodnight forlorn cuddles

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Now playing on Winamp: Chris Isak - Wicked Game
via FoxyTunes

The Emerald Barrio

The last time I went to Ozz was to see Rudy De La Mor perform.  I was on a date with Gil and I left a newly purchased lightweight jacket on a chair in the lounge. 

The first time I went to Ozz I was living in Upland and I drove down the 57 FWY, exited Chapman and took Commonwealth all the way over to Beach.  I was alone then....and seemingly more adventurous than now.

I wish I may
I wish I might...

Well...

"What can you see on the horizon...."
-"Into The West" by Annie Lennox

I've now dealt with my second experience in almost losing a friend to a still heart. Only this time I had to look into the eyes of death as it stared back at me. How silly to write about death in this familiar way; giving it eyes to witness my fear. The way I feel right now makes me angry at myself for allowing so much emotion to overwhelm me. I can hear the thoughts of everyone else telling me that it's okay to feel as I do. Their eyes say, "How else are you supposed to feel? What else were you supposed to do? You did what you could." (And I think these things too) While death is something that I do not fear for myself, it is something that I have a harder time in accepting for others and I know that this is because of my own selfishness for having them in my life.

Drugs...why do we do them? It's fun. It feels good for a short while. It dulls the pains and worries. It's an escape. It's a journey into a different part of ourselves. It opens our minds to things we wouldn't normally think about. It's a risk like any other risk that one chooses in life. It is a dance with death. It's dangerous, like driving too fast on a freeway. You do it so much and get away with it that the day you actually crash is a surprise. In the end... I'll say what I hear so often from the oldest generation down to the youngest with any ability to coherently speak on the matter: When it's your time to go, it's your time and nothing is going to stop that from happening.

"Feathers And Down"
-The Cardigans

We enable the ones we love to be who they are because we love them. That usually entails letting the bad things in with the good.

Parking Car-ma

Wednesday night I had tremendous parking karma. I showed up at Orange Coast College without a guest parking pass and figured I would just purchase a day pass from a machine when I got there. [Insert Family Feud "X" sound effect here] Wrong. OCC does not have daily parking passes like Irvine Valley College. No, instead they put in parking meters that you can feed. Two issues. I have no quarters and no metered spaces are available.

I decided to leave a note on my dash that said I was a guest speaker and that my parking pass had not come in the mail. (Which it hadn't) I left the room I was in and the instructor I was speaking for. For some time before actually speaking in front of the class, the idea of a ticket on my windshield preoccupied my thoughts. Once the questions started I found myself in presentation mode and focused on the task at hand. When I walked out to my car, there was no ticket. I smiled.

Driving home with a tension headache that is common after speaking in front of a class, I just wanted to be home and relaxed. I was going on 35hrs with no sleep. I parked my car in the guest spot and went upstairs. In the morning, I was rushing to get in the car and off to work. I didn't pay attention while driving away, but I realized as I drove home tonight and parked in the same spot that I didn't put my parking pass on the dash and could have been towed. I've already had the "Final Warning" notice left on my windshield for forgetting to put the pass up once before. (It's always in my car so it's not like I have to go anywhere to get it) Even typing this now I'm getting a flash of heat thinking what I would have had to do to retrieve the car from a tow yard. :-(

I really would be easier to live in a city where a car was not required.

Four Yellow Walls

I'm so far away. I'm walking, not running, but still moving away from whatever it is that I'm "supposed" to be. (who I'm supposed to be) Compare me to a gift card now. I have one for Best Buy that has $3.46 left on it and I've been holding on to it since xmas last year. I'm just holding on to what I have left.

I just don't know what's left.

Remember Yesterday

"Remember yesterday..." lyric from a Skid Row song that came to mind as I entered my cubicle this morning.  I was taking my cell phone out of my pocket and placing it in front of the monitor.  The key guard was on and my thumb was already disengaging it as it was being removed from my pocket.  A flash thought of accessing my voice mail.  The security of a password to access the voice mail.  Enter in the song lyric to a time several years ago in Palm Springs where Billy had been killed.

I remember being in the motel room and his cell phone was there.  Sprint.  No one was able to access the numbers inside because the phone was locked with a password.  Everyone was silent. 


I remember you.