Blinds

I'm lying here with my eyes closed listening to Ingrid Michaelson and I'm picturing the vibration moving in the darkness to form colors; atoms. I try to interpret the words into visions and as the colors form I open my eyes to see the reality of my room.

Capreeshacorn

Randy called me his hero tonight while we were at The Library in Long Beach. I had a hard time hearing that because I don't see anything that special sometimes. I feel it. I think it. Unfortunately, I often don't believe it. It takes little moments like this to open my eyes and stab me with someone else's reality of what I am to them. He is one of the closest and dearest friends I have ever had. He pushes me to see the world beyond what I am comfortable with.

It felt nice to hear him say that. It came on the coattails of a discussion about just saying exactly what is on our minds. I don't think I was ready to hear that, but I like not knowing what is going to come out of his mouth sometimes. It is the wonder that is Cardwell.

The Atoms of New, Clear Families

Communication has always been one of my strengths and weaknesses. In business, I'm lauded for my ability to organize information into presentations, trainings and easily understood chunks of knowledge so processes are efficient and/or improvements can be made. Communication in this arena is easy because there is a common goal that many are working toward and there are generally open ears/minds to come to a consensus. I know my audience. I understand what they wish to gain. In business, one's emotions are not on the table and those who take things personally are probably too involved.

In my interpersonal relationships, communication has often been my great challenge. The quote in my daily planner today is from William Shakespeare: "The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure." It's rare that I am ever content with failure. The quote resonates with me today as I think about my failures of communication. I think of friends. I think of family. I think of boys and men and relationships where needs were not being met on both sides of the equation because I didn't say something or he didn't say something.

In my family, the lesson learned was that communicating what I was feeling honestly was met with stoicism and violence so it was safer to not communicate emotion at all. Even though I know this is detrimental as an adult, the pattern is so hard to break from. It is easily recognizable in others. It is easy to see one's self in others and feel detached.

I am anything but detached inside. There are fires that consume as much air as I can inhale. The last couple of weeks I have been on a 24/7 diagnostic of sorts. I keep analyzing my behavior with Tyler and what triggered me. Many ideas have surfaced and some of them hold water, but it wasn't until breakfast with my mother and other family members on Sunday morning that things began to crystallize. I'm am constantly trying to walk down a path toward the person I want to be, with the people I want to be with while simultaneously using an example to live by that is in conflict with what I want. I find souls to be close with who are truly good people, but who are not right for me for whatever reason and instead of just accepting that and walking
away, I look to what I have been taught and find the same thing happening. It's maddening. I want to take the person in the mirror and shake him. "SEE!"

I do see.... but I often see too late. The saying, "Better late than never." doesn't always rest well with those who have been hurt. And as she hurts me and my sister and who even knows about the brothers, I hurt Tyler or Jorge and others because I can't just simply stop and express myself. So the cycle continues.... hurt causes no communication which causes hurt. And in trying to break the cycle, communication makes one vulnerable to the trusted. The fault is not in wanting to trust or in trusting itself, but in choosing the wrong people to trust or to trust those who do not know the harm they do with the words they speak. I am painfully aware of knowing the harm I do and how well I do it which is why I think carefully before speaking. How well do others know the same? And why do we sometimes choose to be ugly when it is only beauty that sustains us?

How is your breathing?

I suppose we did all the same things as kids. We? My kid time was in a mid-20's haze and I was nurturing that child with corporate daycare center.

Check engine light came on again today. I checked it. It looked the same to me as when the check engine light wasn't on. That's the deception of appearances to those without knowledge.

A man tries his best to provide for his children and dies inside because he has a life that he no longer wants. I see this in Randy's father and sense it when I'm around him. There's a lesson to be learned in being around him.

Counting down the days to move to Long Beach. There is this shift that is happening and I'm excited. I feel very calm considering the change. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe I'm just prepared.

Lots of music.

Community

Having dinner guests is a nice thing. Even being in a situation where finances would be better spent on myself, there's a strong sense of community being able to share a meal with friends.

It was a good weekend overall.

Mom is on her way down for a visit this weekend. I went and saw the movie "Georgia Rule" today with Randy and Eddy. Originally, today was supposed to be my day off to myself to meditate and heal from last week's blow-up. Fate being the fun-filled free spirit that it is played car trouble games all weekend which had to be solved today. Shortly after the fix, Randy was in a branch of OCTFCU and called a woman a crabapple. The movie made me cry because watching families interact often makes me think of how my family touches and doesn't; speaks, and doesn't; shows love rather than says it.

The love that Randy has for his cats is misspent in my eyes. It's emotion that he hoards away instead of bestowing it on someone who can speak back to him. The love I give freely to my friends is not often stated as love and I hope my actions always speak for themselves, but I know that the words are important too.

"So long, farewell.....the Sun has gone to bed and so must I...."
The Sound of Music

Love is the sound of my music.

Independent Thinking Drawbacks

Sleep hasn't been much of an option today. A wonderful Independence Day Eve flowed into a sunny day at the beach and continued into a mostly enjoyable evening. Sadly, that primitive part of my brain that is usually under wraps was let loose to meet fire with fire; lowering my ideals to try and make a point. Proof that love does not conquer all.

I think of writing letters. I used to do that when I felt like this. I used to find the emotions in myself to be seen in ink. I used to think it was a necessary component to explaining myself or to get closer to others. I still have the urge to write, but it's not always something that is done anymore. I'm not as needy as I used to be and writing doesn't release the demons that once flew free.

I'd eat off the same plate of my friends and family anytime.