Can I Keep You?

I remember making a cassette tape for Lorena once and the title was inspired from the movie, Casper. There's a part at the end when Casper asks, "Can I keep you?" That's what I named the tape.

ABC's Minus Before Christ

A long conversation with Randy.
A curious e-mail from Laney.
A fast day at work.
A Jamba Juice to keep me healthy.
A movie that was not worth watching again.
A plan in motion for Thanksgiving.
A time to write before going to sleep.

A piece of mind.

Dream Scribblings

Dream: school yards... stair ways..two sets. Regular stairs and one that was more like a ramp but had very wide steps every so often. I walked up the regular steps and down the wide ones. While walking down I thought that wheelchairs couldn't use this because of the occasional steps so there must also be an elevator somewhere.

There was one or two teachers who were familiar to me. I followed one back to her classroom and then she had class so I went to another room and sat in a desk but left after the students started to arrive and realized I wasn't supposed to be there.

Byron was in the dream...somewhere on the school ground field playing a game with a group of people. I didn't find him until after finding a little baby girl with my mother (I think) Not sure if the baby was mine or a little sister, but she was just walking and didn't really speak yet. She said my name and this was such a momentous event that I took her to see Byron. They took a break from the game and came over. I got her to say Byron's name.

Different part of dream... I was looking for white socks but didn't have any so I went into Justin's room which was totally destroyed. (dirtier and more disheveled then I have ever had my room) But on his bed was an assortment of whites and I found two socks to match.

Alarm. Wake.

Bright Lights, Dense Fog

Sometimes I feel very tied to a feeling that has no tangible clues as to why it is there. I think of slow, Asian instrumentals that point to an insightful sadness; sometimes shining a light inside that opens me up to light the way.

I have been thinking of writing my grandfather for the past couple of weeks. Not sure what I'd say. Not sure why I have this feeling.

"If I had the power I would reach into your mind and try to find the answer that your heart can never hide."
-Brownstone's "Game of Love"

I Feel So Real

Disillusionment...
Dissolving.
Dependence...
Distancing.

Electronic extras entering ears remind me that the warmest welcomes often leave the most comfortable memories.

I laugh.

Electric Guitar Rifts

"If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
-Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars"


I was walking through a parking lot last night and asked myself a question. The answer was because we should enjoy everyday. So yes, I would just lay here and forget the world if it made happiness for some time.

It's noon now.

LowShun

Eyes bloodshot and I walk into this place...
...I remember roommate words, " You should be an artist."

Last night was so close.

Jay Yard

Randy told me that my ex, lil Randy, called him regarding his hospitalization. I was at lunch, in my car. Just what I wanted right now, another love in the mind. It's another trial of quieting my mind. While trying, I search the degrees of separation that still connect us; I think I'd rather not know. Even though I don't think of him that often, a strong survival instinct tells me not to entertain.


"Now...you say you're lonely
You cried the long night through
Well you can cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you.

Now you say you're sorry
For being so untrue
Well, you can cry me a river
Cry me a river...
I cried a river over you.

You drove me
Nearly drove me
Out of my head
While you never shed a tear
Remember
I remember
All that you said
Told me love was too plabeian
Told me you were through with me

And now, you say you love me...
Well just to prove you do
Come on and cry me a river...
Cry me a river...
I cried a river over you...."
-Julie London (1955)

I talked to Byron on the phone. I'm going to his place on Friday to change my brakes. I hope the car makes it that long. My body is retaining the stress that this car shit is bringing on. Tonight's cure is going to bed early. Tomorrow and the next day I have not thought that far into, but I'm hoping that Dream Dinners will fill my evening with enough energy that it exercises this demon stress.

I've been challenged to write a novel in the month of November. It's an interesting concept. See for yourself: National Novel Writing Month

===
===
It's that yucky time of the year again.

Nice Natures

"Y'all are always very nice."
-Waitress from The Cottage at Sunday Brunch

But we aren't. Being gay doesn't automatically make us nice. I would say that generally my group of friends tend to be "polite" in social situations. I've gotten to thinking about this because I'll be speaking for PFLAG coming up again in November.

Gay has evolved lately for me.

Lulling Myself To Sleep

A fondness for finding things.
A shiny dime dimming in the sunset.
Lightning lashing down from the clouds.
Night's naked breath baring down
on the nape;
nudging.
Decisions sometimes dock the decider.
From all things we fly some direction
And rain will clean the soul willing to stand in it.

==========
==========
I'm settling into bed with a glass of white wine after watching Battlestar Galactica with Art. Commercials were filled with talks about databases and business affairs. This is a world where we can connect and share. Inevitably conversations about ideologies surface and it becomes evident that there is no point in wasting breath. I am not in business of debating to change a mind. I have learned by listening.

It's my actions that have been lagging in lessons. I see several reasonable "reasons" that this has been the case. I believe in the good of every heart. If that is my foundation, then how can I walk away from the good that hasn't found a way to express itself? Sometimes--for survival--it is the only thing I can do. But I don't stay away very long before I sense some greater reason than survival entering in again. Simply.... I've often found some pleasure in putting others before myself.

At the same time, I have been semi-content in the fort I have been surviving in. It's lagging lately.

I just went to the bathroom and as I was peeing I thought of the movie Ghost Busters and the part where they talk about never cross the streams. That thought linked to being kids with my brothers and all peeing in the toilet and "crossing the streams." Many childhood memories have been coming back to me in the past month. Randomly they will surface and I will picture in my head something that I hadn't seen or thought of since the original memory was created.

I'm looking forward to creating memories this weekend. Molly has invited me to rock climb on Sunday afternoon. Sunday morning is the brunch I've been planning for a couple of weeks. Saturday (I guess today) is my first one off in a while from Dream Dinners and I'm looking forward to sleeping in. Randy is in Huntington Beach and I plan on spending time with him Saturday. Although Martin is in town, I'm not sure I'll get a chance to see him. I don't feel much like going up to LA. My car is starting to "act up" and I don't want to chance something happening far from home.

Sarah has her birthday coming up soon. 19. I remember mine very clearly. The people around me at the time were very different than today. Arturo was more of a force at the time. There are names that aren't even remembered at this point. There are some that are indelible.

I think I should turn my phone to silent.
ESP.

I blow kisses goodnight to biting tongues and wandering eyes.

Morning Text

I keep putting my head back down to sleep after alarms go off and I enter a dream. So real, and yet, I have no memory of the events as soon as I try to recall them.

My head lays down again.

Family Conveniences

It's almost the designated time for sleep that I have so assigned myself tonight. Conveniently, I am tired. I'm feeling a little more free.

I miss seeing my mom and sister. I think about how Laney used to call Sarah, "Sarah Sparkles." I flash a time when we were in Dana Point with Jared back in 1998. Sarah was so young then. I really have involved my family with the guys I've dated. I remember the nights on Mom's couch in the Laguna Niguel apartment that Randy and I made ourselves fit on after playing Oni. It's always been easy sharing those who become appendages of myself, but much harder for me to share the core from which those appendages grow from.

Write's next?

Honest Pain

Peaches says, "Fuck the pain away." I think that works for some people. They can fuck the pain until it's pounded into their subconscious where they don't think about it anymore, but the feeling is still there just waiting to surface.

I had every intention of coming home and running, but on the drive home tears stung my eyes and a headache began. Some aspirin and sleep later.... there is still a dull memory of the headache. I try controlled breathing, but that makes me light headed and I start to drift off to sleep again. I don't want to be up all night.

Up all night...
Up all night...
Up all night........the boys.

"Where were you when we were getting high?"
-Champagne Supernova by Oasis


The answer: I was in the only place that you can't see me; your heart.

Love Rhymes With Shove

"I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight."
-Lee Ann Womack song

Calls at 3am tend to make me cranky. (When I'm sleeping--which is most all the time nowadays). We are all accountable for ourselves, but without love, who could forgive us when we can't forgive ourselves?

It's not perfection that I look for in friendship..... it's the constant struggle together in learning from our imperfections. This is one piece of the pie of Life.

Three Wise Men

Some quick rememberences of the evening:

"The shade under the tree is colder than the shade of the building."
-Nick

"Do you have to believe in the wish?"
-Jeremy

"That would be within the Cone Of Acceptance."
-Justin