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The ring I've slipped on my finger feels like other rings I've worn; it never quite feels right. It looks fine. I've never been too much of a jewelry person, but did enjoy my piercings when I had them. The ring isn't mine. I don't think it will ever be. It's just a feeling I get even if it's not what I dream to think I want.

It was a full-flavored weekend. I slept for maybe 5-6 hours from Friday to Monday. A year has passed since my last OC Center dinner. This year it seemed to move along much more quickly. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. Maybe it was the constant interaction and laughter. Maybe it was the Xanax. I know it wasn't the alcohol because I drank way more last year. In fact, I only had two glasses of wine with dinner. I got to see Veronica (Ronnie) and her partner, Michelle. I got some nice pictures of friends.

There is a larger portion of my life when I didn't drink alcohol than the portion where I have. It seems that I have been less happy in the portion of life where I do drink. There are those who would make a direct correlation, but that's a bit premature. There are many things that I have in my life in the last 10 years that were not there in the first 21. And vice versa. I feel more sadness and have less activity. Is it really so simple? Just keep yourself busy enough and other feelings are created to replace the empty? Not simple...too easy. Too easy to fall into a life where activities become more important than true fulfillment.

I'm still tired. I thought I caught up this last night. I went to bed at 6:30pm last night and woke up at 5am. I don't know how I made it through Monday with an hour of sleep. I don't know how I performed any work. The day evaporates when I try to think about it.

Looking forward...time with Jorge this weekend. Sebastian mentioned hanging out on Friday. Will wants to do something, but we'll see how that ID of his holds out. I'm thinking of Charles and his Sunset Solitude; Ken so busy with work and work and work; Mario in that same boat but slowly realizing it isn't everything; Randy and Nathan have supposedly quit smoking---please give them the strength to follow-through; Guy's latest blog lends to questions that can't be answered in words; I wonder about all the moments where intimacy forms bonds and when will I let those bonds stay around; I think and think and think and think.

Perhaps I am a fallen angel with memories of my fine work before; on a trip around teh world for another life.