I read this on someone's profile: "If AIDS, Gay bashers, crack-pot, Christians, and fuckin' Republicans can't destroy you nothing can."
My first thought was, "What about a bus? I bet a bus could."
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Blogthings - Which of the X-Men Are You?
| You Are Jean Grey |
 Although your fate is often unknown, you always seem to survive (even after death). Your mind is your greatest weapon, literally! Powers: telepathy and telekinesis, the ability to project thoughts into the mind of others, communication with animals |
Monday, May 29, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
Resting Rock
The ages of beings who rest in a crib and a rocking chair conjure pictures of lives on the opposite ends of a continuum. All the one age has to do is pick up the other, holding them to their chest and rock away to complete an endless stream of life.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Beautiful Boxers
Nope...not wearing any.
This movie was touching. I'm usually not too keen on movies "based on a true story" but the message in this---or the message I walked away with---is one that I've tried to live everyday. Be yourself and be proud of who and what you are. But before you can do that, you have to know who you are and what you stand for.
I see a lot of people who are proud of their accomplishments without knowing why it is they have accomplished. I remember being like that many years ago.
Once again I have stayed up past my bedtime.
(As if I really have one)
This movie was touching. I'm usually not too keen on movies "based on a true story" but the message in this---or the message I walked away with---is one that I've tried to live everyday. Be yourself and be proud of who and what you are. But before you can do that, you have to know who you are and what you stand for.
I see a lot of people who are proud of their accomplishments without knowing why it is they have accomplished. I remember being like that many years ago.
Once again I have stayed up past my bedtime.
(As if I really have one)
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Kreo
Three really good weeks. Sad how relations with one person can just pull my emotions out of sync again. At least this isn't love...or in love emotion. That's a totally different whack to the head. No, this is just the love of friends and the crazy shit you let some of them get away with because you're friends. And yet. I don't. I think I stretch to a point where the rubberband has to come and snap back or else it will break. I don't feel like breaking.
No way to get eight tonight.
(Hours of sleep you whores)
It's writing like that that reminds me that I'm aware of other eyes reading again. Sigh. Writing for myself again.
No way to get eight tonight.
(Hours of sleep you whores)
It's writing like that that reminds me that I'm aware of other eyes reading again. Sigh. Writing for myself again.
Wake Up Now
Good Morning World!
(I spent an extra second thinking about whether to put the exclamation point or not.)
good morning world way too e.e. cummings.
So yea, I'm falling asleep at work
Because there's nothing to do
and I'm not saying that out of laziness
there is LITERALLY
nothing
to
do
(I spent an extra second thinking about whether to put the exclamation point or not.)
good morning world way too e.e. cummings.
So yea, I'm falling asleep at work
Because there's nothing to do
and I'm not saying that out of laziness
there is LITERALLY
nothing
to
do
Monday, May 22, 2006
signals and signs
Another pride passes. I saw exes. x's. The boyfriends of crossed out paths. I have pictures. I have memories. I have a head that is jumbled and clear right now.
Have I ever been so drunk that I completely chunked all over someone's bathroom? I don't think so. There was a party in Long Beach that I went to with Mark W. where I was drinking Absolut Citron and I passed out in the bathroom, but I don't think I actually made a mess. I must have been 23 or 24 at the time. I just sprayed the downstairs bathroom with disinfectant from a guests rolphing experience.
I need to collapse now. Work will be here sooner than I wish it.
Why?
Should I move?
The rain falls heavy now. I hear droplets on the outside seeping in.
Have I ever been so drunk that I completely chunked all over someone's bathroom? I don't think so. There was a party in Long Beach that I went to with Mark W. where I was drinking Absolut Citron and I passed out in the bathroom, but I don't think I actually made a mess. I must have been 23 or 24 at the time. I just sprayed the downstairs bathroom with disinfectant from a guests rolphing experience.
I need to collapse now. Work will be here sooner than I wish it.
Why?
Should I move?
The rain falls heavy now. I hear droplets on the outside seeping in.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Have Two
This Newport Beach real estate looking woman at work last night was making small talk about my job. It came up that this was a 2nd job. And with a smile on her face, with a normal voice she says, "Wow, you have to work two jobs." It was such a classist comment that I just thought about getting out of the shower. It makes me laugh.
And now... off to the "have to" life of mine.
And now... off to the "have to" life of mine.
Be Not Awake
It's not often that I wake from sleeping in the middle of the night. (That I remember anyway) Even more rare that it happens in the middle of a dream and on top of that a dream I can remember fragments of......
DREAM:
Dark. Winding streets and a big hill. The only people I can clearly remember being in the dream are Eddy and Austin. Eddy isn't a hard person for me to fathom because I talk to him almost everyday, but Austin is off because we've never really been "friends" just more acquaintances and I don't have any type of regular contact with him. So even stranger that in the dream we're fooling around. Eddy was in a part of the dream where I finally was in a house and snooping around different parts of it because I thought people were NOT home. The section that he was in had several other people in beds, but they were all covered in think comforters so that I couldn't see anyone and I only knew it was Eddy under one of the comforters because of his voice. When I woke from the dream I had that familiar feeling of searching or looking. I was not out of breath. I was not sweating or feeling like I was running like I would from a bad dream. I don't think I've ever woken from a good dream. I seem to remember others in the dream that at the moment their purpose is falling into that waking fog. Maybe I'm just horny and my brain latched on to whatever it could to display the obvious. Maybe my loneliness connected with Austin's isolation in Reno. DREAM OVER.
So anway... 4:44am, awake with a hard-on and no one to share it with. Three and a half hours I'll be on the road to work. So far, so good with the 2nd job. But really.... how could it be bad yet? I haven't been there long enough to get bored. Give me another couple weeks. (And hopefully by then the extra cash will be such a stimulating addition to my existence that boredom alone will not kill it.)
DREAM:
Dark. Winding streets and a big hill. The only people I can clearly remember being in the dream are Eddy and Austin. Eddy isn't a hard person for me to fathom because I talk to him almost everyday, but Austin is off because we've never really been "friends" just more acquaintances and I don't have any type of regular contact with him. So even stranger that in the dream we're fooling around. Eddy was in a part of the dream where I finally was in a house and snooping around different parts of it because I thought people were NOT home. The section that he was in had several other people in beds, but they were all covered in think comforters so that I couldn't see anyone and I only knew it was Eddy under one of the comforters because of his voice. When I woke from the dream I had that familiar feeling of searching or looking. I was not out of breath. I was not sweating or feeling like I was running like I would from a bad dream. I don't think I've ever woken from a good dream. I seem to remember others in the dream that at the moment their purpose is falling into that waking fog. Maybe I'm just horny and my brain latched on to whatever it could to display the obvious. Maybe my loneliness connected with Austin's isolation in Reno. DREAM OVER.
So anway... 4:44am, awake with a hard-on and no one to share it with. Three and a half hours I'll be on the road to work. So far, so good with the 2nd job. But really.... how could it be bad yet? I haven't been there long enough to get bored. Give me another couple weeks. (And hopefully by then the extra cash will be such a stimulating addition to my existence that boredom alone will not kill it.)
Friday, May 19, 2006
Tick Talk
Time being constant.... we are the instruments of allocating to our needs, wants and desires.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Mountains Are Mole Hills To The Sun
I've been feeling like "myself" lately. The ones who would be able to recognize the me inside of me aren't around so those who are around nowadays I think I starting to see the subtle contrasts. Without over-analyzing it too much (too late), I'm humming more often and singing in the shower again.
Another great weekend. Today is Eddy's birthday. Marthalee's too. Happy days. I talk to Eddy about every other day on the phone. He sounds good, but I can sense how much he misses having some type of gay outlet. How would I function without getting my fix of that gay drug on a regular basis? Gay is an intravenous feed for me. Maybe our phone calls give him that lil connection to the culture.
Beer gives some nasty gas.
I stand on my own two feet. I'm still running so fast that I can feel my heart racing to catch up. I stop. I'm panting. Here's where I stand and motion continues with feet planted. Faces with lips I've kissed and continue to kiss. Arms that wrap bodies and make them feel incredible. Breaths that take away, but more importantly, give back air. I sat and thought about the stories I've been told of my father; his fathering of other children. I don't much ever find my mind wandering to Carmelo or the type of person he was. He donated DNA to bring me into the world, but that's where his lasting contributions will stay--DNA. As I entangle the roads and lives of people I meet, I understand how easy it is to be drawn to interesting beauties and how carrying a history of relationship hurts cautions me to never really settle down again.
I think writing that last sentence is sad. I think it is also honest and a reflection of me knowing WHO I am. I know that I will always want for the settling... I know that I will become ever more vigilant in the screening. Until then, I'm paying off debts...
No literally. :-) Got a second job that I start on Wednesday. www.dreamdinners.com Hopefully this will add a new focus and stop my mind from going into dark places. New experience again.
Please believe me when I say, I know many forms of love. I wish sometimes I didn't. I wish I could be naive and believe that meeting someone at 2am at a local eatery after clubbing and exchanging glances meant that we felt Cupid's arrow piercing our souls and that because we then spent every day for the next week together that this was a sign of everlasting and true love. But I know that to only be one form of love, and it is that youthful and naive type. It is the type of love that we sprout from or that we stay locked in for a lifetime. True, I call it infatuation nowadays, but I try not to dismiss this love when others talk of it. I try.
Maybe when I talked to god in second grade he heard me and the world is becoming a better place ever so slowly.
Another great weekend. Today is Eddy's birthday. Marthalee's too. Happy days. I talk to Eddy about every other day on the phone. He sounds good, but I can sense how much he misses having some type of gay outlet. How would I function without getting my fix of that gay drug on a regular basis? Gay is an intravenous feed for me. Maybe our phone calls give him that lil connection to the culture.
Beer gives some nasty gas.
I stand on my own two feet. I'm still running so fast that I can feel my heart racing to catch up. I stop. I'm panting. Here's where I stand and motion continues with feet planted. Faces with lips I've kissed and continue to kiss. Arms that wrap bodies and make them feel incredible. Breaths that take away, but more importantly, give back air. I sat and thought about the stories I've been told of my father; his fathering of other children. I don't much ever find my mind wandering to Carmelo or the type of person he was. He donated DNA to bring me into the world, but that's where his lasting contributions will stay--DNA. As I entangle the roads and lives of people I meet, I understand how easy it is to be drawn to interesting beauties and how carrying a history of relationship hurts cautions me to never really settle down again.
I think writing that last sentence is sad. I think it is also honest and a reflection of me knowing WHO I am. I know that I will always want for the settling... I know that I will become ever more vigilant in the screening. Until then, I'm paying off debts...
No literally. :-) Got a second job that I start on Wednesday. www.dreamdinners.com Hopefully this will add a new focus and stop my mind from going into dark places. New experience again.
Please believe me when I say, I know many forms of love. I wish sometimes I didn't. I wish I could be naive and believe that meeting someone at 2am at a local eatery after clubbing and exchanging glances meant that we felt Cupid's arrow piercing our souls and that because we then spent every day for the next week together that this was a sign of everlasting and true love. But I know that to only be one form of love, and it is that youthful and naive type. It is the type of love that we sprout from or that we stay locked in for a lifetime. True, I call it infatuation nowadays, but I try not to dismiss this love when others talk of it. I try.
Maybe when I talked to god in second grade he heard me and the world is becoming a better place ever so slowly.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Spam Bot
The ring I've slipped on my finger feels like other rings I've worn; it never quite feels right. It looks fine. I've never been too much of a jewelry person, but did enjoy my piercings when I had them. The ring isn't mine. I don't think it will ever be. It's just a feeling I get even if it's not what I dream to think I want.
It was a full-flavored weekend. I slept for maybe 5-6 hours from Friday to Monday. A year has passed since my last OC Center dinner. This year it seemed to move along much more quickly. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. Maybe it was the constant interaction and laughter. Maybe it was the Xanax. I know it wasn't the alcohol because I drank way more last year. In fact, I only had two glasses of wine with dinner. I got to see Veronica (Ronnie) and her partner, Michelle. I got some nice pictures of friends.
There is a larger portion of my life when I didn't drink alcohol than the portion where I have. It seems that I have been less happy in the portion of life where I do drink. There are those who would make a direct correlation, but that's a bit premature. There are many things that I have in my life in the last 10 years that were not there in the first 21. And vice versa. I feel more sadness and have less activity. Is it really so simple? Just keep yourself busy enough and other feelings are created to replace the empty? Not simple...too easy. Too easy to fall into a life where activities become more important than true fulfillment.
I'm still tired. I thought I caught up this last night. I went to bed at 6:30pm last night and woke up at 5am. I don't know how I made it through Monday with an hour of sleep. I don't know how I performed any work. The day evaporates when I try to think about it.
Looking forward...time with Jorge this weekend. Sebastian mentioned hanging out on Friday. Will wants to do something, but we'll see how that ID of his holds out. I'm thinking of Charles and his Sunset Solitude; Ken so busy with work and work and work; Mario in that same boat but slowly realizing it isn't everything; Randy and Nathan have supposedly quit smoking---please give them the strength to follow-through; Guy's latest blog lends to questions that can't be answered in words; I wonder about all the moments where intimacy forms bonds and when will I let those bonds stay around; I think and think and think and think.
Perhaps I am a fallen angel with memories of my fine work before; on a trip around teh world for another life.
It was a full-flavored weekend. I slept for maybe 5-6 hours from Friday to Monday. A year has passed since my last OC Center dinner. This year it seemed to move along much more quickly. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. Maybe it was the constant interaction and laughter. Maybe it was the Xanax. I know it wasn't the alcohol because I drank way more last year. In fact, I only had two glasses of wine with dinner. I got to see Veronica (Ronnie) and her partner, Michelle. I got some nice pictures of friends.
There is a larger portion of my life when I didn't drink alcohol than the portion where I have. It seems that I have been less happy in the portion of life where I do drink. There are those who would make a direct correlation, but that's a bit premature. There are many things that I have in my life in the last 10 years that were not there in the first 21. And vice versa. I feel more sadness and have less activity. Is it really so simple? Just keep yourself busy enough and other feelings are created to replace the empty? Not simple...too easy. Too easy to fall into a life where activities become more important than true fulfillment.
I'm still tired. I thought I caught up this last night. I went to bed at 6:30pm last night and woke up at 5am. I don't know how I made it through Monday with an hour of sleep. I don't know how I performed any work. The day evaporates when I try to think about it.
Looking forward...time with Jorge this weekend. Sebastian mentioned hanging out on Friday. Will wants to do something, but we'll see how that ID of his holds out. I'm thinking of Charles and his Sunset Solitude; Ken so busy with work and work and work; Mario in that same boat but slowly realizing it isn't everything; Randy and Nathan have supposedly quit smoking---please give them the strength to follow-through; Guy's latest blog lends to questions that can't be answered in words; I wonder about all the moments where intimacy forms bonds and when will I let those bonds stay around; I think and think and think and think.
Perhaps I am a fallen angel with memories of my fine work before; on a trip around teh world for another life.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Be Near Me
I had this really good conversation with my roommate tonight. What makes a conversation good? Different conversations have different markers of goodness. Greatness. Goodly great goodliness. Some conversations evoke debate about ideas, spawn new ideas; some challenge beliefs, open (or close) minds; some conversation discuss personal issues--- all of these things could make an conversation great. Sometimes just getting to know someone a little better makes the conversation noteworthy.
I don't know...this week has shifted somehow. Maybe it was seeing and hanging out with Wes a week ago. That brought memories up from 1999/2000. A memory just flashed right now about being at the El Rey theater with Lanny and Wes was there and we all danced. Maybe it has been playing tennis and getting more physical activity. Maybe it's that money has put a strangle hold on my actions again. Maybe cosmic elements are at play with the universal materials within.
Be near me.
I don't know...this week has shifted somehow. Maybe it was seeing and hanging out with Wes a week ago. That brought memories up from 1999/2000. A memory just flashed right now about being at the El Rey theater with Lanny and Wes was there and we all danced. Maybe it has been playing tennis and getting more physical activity. Maybe it's that money has put a strangle hold on my actions again. Maybe cosmic elements are at play with the universal materials within.
Be near me.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Wish-Bone
I wish I knew what to wish for.
It feels like something just broke.
Wish bones aren't like phone bones.
Definitely not broken bones.
Everyone wants a wish to come true.
I just want a wish.
Which Wish?
It feels like something just broke.
Wish bones aren't like phone bones.
Definitely not broken bones.
Everyone wants a wish to come true.
I just want a wish.
Which Wish?
Monday, May 01, 2006
CA Minimum Wage
So really... how does anyone make a living off of this standard?
http://www.dir.ca.gov/IWC/MinimumWageHistory.htm
http://www.dir.ca.gov/IWC/MinimumWageHistory.htm
