This iCandy takes time,
It begins a career.
This sweetness conditions a palate.
TASTE THIS
TAKE TIME
TASTE TIME.
I observe the happiness surrounding me and feel it through the others.
TAKE THIS
What is it that stops me from liking myself?
Is it a memory?
Is it a sense of danger?
Is it a fear that the person I discover will have happiness?
Why do I feel that I don't deserve it?
Could the doctor's words be true?
Why don't I love myself?
I don't have the answer. I only have the open questions. Opening and closing me.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
CSSSA
I just had a flash while doing paperwork of being in the Loyola Marymount cafeteria and walking outside.
That was a memory from Summer 1988.
That was a memory from Summer 1988.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Elevator Efficiency
I witnessed an exchange during my morning break. After walking around the building, I came back inside and entered the elevator with two other people. Pink, sparkly, "be-dazzled" girl in her jeans was first, then a messenger, then me. She was very talky and noticed that the package was for her so she signed for it right there in the elevator. She got off on the third floor and the elevator across from ours was going down so she turned around and said, "I would get off and go on that one to get back down." He promptly followed her instructions, darting across the small elevator common meeting space and my elevator door closed.
Doors opening. Doors closing. I'm watching them all the time while carrying on my way.
Doors opening. Doors closing. I'm watching them all the time while carrying on my way.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
V for Vulnerability
I allow myself to feel so vulnerable in the moments of intimacy when I'm laying next to someone and holding them. I listen to their heart. I can feel my breath rebound of their skin back at me. I run my nose along the side of the neck and relish the subtle changes in body position until I'm looking in their eyes.
But what I see is usually someone staring to find out what it is that I'm thinking. The truth is that I'm thinking that this moment is pure and permanent. Then my eyes get big as I let that thought settle. I pull away and smile or laugh. A kiss ensues.
I've been here three years and the healing has happened. I feel this sense to move on. But to where? And to what?
And to who if not myself?
But what I see is usually someone staring to find out what it is that I'm thinking. The truth is that I'm thinking that this moment is pure and permanent. Then my eyes get big as I let that thought settle. I pull away and smile or laugh. A kiss ensues.
I've been here three years and the healing has happened. I feel this sense to move on. But to where? And to what?
And to who if not myself?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Text Permanent
A series of Text Messages on my phone that I don't want to lose as I transition carriers over the next month:
Nov.12.2004--11:31am (From Lanny)
Nov.19.2004--5:19pm (From Randy)
Dec.20.2004--10:03pm (From Randy)
Dec.23.2004--3:44pm (From Randy)
Feb.4.2005--12:46pm (From Randy)
Mar.11.2005--9:32am (From Randy)
Mar.18.2005--11:18pm (From Kellan)
Apr.5.2005--7:50am (From Randy)
Apr.25.2005--8:18am (From Randy)
Jul.14.2005--2:17pm (From Randy)
cardnoff: you have this hold on me I can feel it tug sometimes,And sometimes I wish I could be there for you.
Nov.12.2004--11:31am (From Lanny)
Im on the patio for the last time
Nov.19.2004--5:19pm (From Randy)
I would rather spend time with eddie
Dec.20.2004--10:03pm (From Randy)
Its a weight goal- you ass
Dec.23.2004--3:44pm (From Randy)
Man ears - lol
Feb.4.2005--12:46pm (From Randy)
I can't take it - madonna lewis dog died while he was getting the dogs teath whitened. kinda like the pig story
Mar.11.2005--9:32am (From Randy)
Thanks! I really enjoy having you as a friend.
Mar.18.2005--11:18pm (From Kellan)
Always remember kids, dirty cock = strep throat
Apr.5.2005--7:50am (From Randy)
There is a midget with a straw hat on, in my front yard. i had to back in side
Apr.25.2005--8:18am (From Randy)
jeffrey and i are going on jerry springer on a show called, Can we be gay men who want a sex change to become lesbian lovers
Jul.14.2005--2:17pm (From Randy)
Monday, March 20, 2006
Too much of a good thing is still never enough
7:05pm
"Let me tell you something you don't know
Let me tell you something you don' know-oh-oh
If you keep the secret I will show
If you keep the secret I will show-oh-oh
I'm burning for you..."
---KREO - "Burning For You"
There has been nothing written here in a while. I put pictures from a week ago. Visually, I can share without having to find words. Words have been eluding me lately. The words that I do speak I have been trying to be clear with.
I am finding that the fusion of who I became because points in time forced me to be and who I was that I would like to be again is not something so easily unfused. I know that through the years there has been growth and that because of the growth I am less likely to be rigid in some beliefs. The growth has happened through struggle (coerced) and by the simple ticking of the clock (naturally). As I have been trying to interact with people on a more regular basis, I am reminded of the intense divide I feel.
"You think that I can never laugh again
You'll see
You think that you've destroyed my faith in love
You think after you've done
I'll never find my way back home
You'll see, somehow, someday.
All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive.
All on my own
I don't need anyone this time
It will mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see..."
---MADONNA - "You'll See"
I touch so many lives and I see the joy that it brings. I wish I could feel that joy more often. The divide is not that there are a lack of people to be around. It has to do with being present and open to them when I am in their presence. So many years of being on automatic pilot and not trying to get out of the confines where I have made myself semi-comfortable. Safe, and yet not. I've tied the hands of an ansy artist. I've chained a mischievous cherub. I have set them free for brief moments but never long enough to do too much harm or too much good. Ok...well, these have all been words typed for my benefit and understanding. I have a way of being vague but I always know what I'm talking about so it doesn't matter in this forum how specific I am for those other eyes reading.
Some specifics.
I spoke with my brother, Philip, last week. I let him know I wasn't going to make it to his wedding in June. I woke up last Tuesday with that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed. I hadn't slept well. I knew that having a conversation with him was weighing on me. I took the day off of work and tried to explain as best I could my reasons for not going. We're family, but we are not close. It's hard to try and explain my depression, my personality, my quirks. I try to see him as a man to have a conversation with, but history and memories are strong. He's still a little boy in many ways to me.
7:44pm
I ate too much food. A whole package of spaghetti. A whole jar of sauce. Over-eating is another way that I deal with feelings that I am not settled with. Usually it's ice cream. I'm a big bloat boat. BLoat BLoat BLoat. As I washed the dishes that I cooked with, I started to cry thinking about some brief words that Charles and I exchanged before he left work and before I ate. "It's a very fine sieve I weave." I said to him in response to him telling me that I have a way with people and that I "filter" them very well. I cried because it's overwhelming sometimes to feel the joy of bringing people together. Not just my joy, but I feel it in 360 degrees. I am closed or have been described as distant for reasons. Even good feelings can stop me in my tracks, not just the wells of depression. I quickly washed the pot and headed to my room as the tears were pulled out from each bounce up the stairs to my room. I was dry by the time I reached the top and started to write.
I got an e-mail response from Marthalee from my letter last week. Lanny wrote me an e-mail. Passed out in front of the TV last night and moved to my bed at 3am. Jorge was warm and his warmth felt good.
I fell very sick now.
WEEKEND QUOTES/MEMORIES:
"I don't like him, not like a child molester not like, but somewhere between not paying your taxes and being a child molester."
"Finding Dawson's Crack"...thank you Charles.
The picture of a dildo near Ken's ass.
"Let me tell you something you don't know
Let me tell you something you don' know-oh-oh
If you keep the secret I will show
If you keep the secret I will show-oh-oh
I'm burning for you..."
---KREO - "Burning For You"
There has been nothing written here in a while. I put pictures from a week ago. Visually, I can share without having to find words. Words have been eluding me lately. The words that I do speak I have been trying to be clear with.
I am finding that the fusion of who I became because points in time forced me to be and who I was that I would like to be again is not something so easily unfused. I know that through the years there has been growth and that because of the growth I am less likely to be rigid in some beliefs. The growth has happened through struggle (coerced) and by the simple ticking of the clock (naturally). As I have been trying to interact with people on a more regular basis, I am reminded of the intense divide I feel.
"You think that I can never laugh again
You'll see
You think that you've destroyed my faith in love
You think after you've done
I'll never find my way back home
You'll see, somehow, someday.
All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive.
All on my own
I don't need anyone this time
It will mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see..."
---MADONNA - "You'll See"
I touch so many lives and I see the joy that it brings. I wish I could feel that joy more often. The divide is not that there are a lack of people to be around. It has to do with being present and open to them when I am in their presence. So many years of being on automatic pilot and not trying to get out of the confines where I have made myself semi-comfortable. Safe, and yet not. I've tied the hands of an ansy artist. I've chained a mischievous cherub. I have set them free for brief moments but never long enough to do too much harm or too much good. Ok...well, these have all been words typed for my benefit and understanding. I have a way of being vague but I always know what I'm talking about so it doesn't matter in this forum how specific I am for those other eyes reading.
Some specifics.
I spoke with my brother, Philip, last week. I let him know I wasn't going to make it to his wedding in June. I woke up last Tuesday with that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed. I hadn't slept well. I knew that having a conversation with him was weighing on me. I took the day off of work and tried to explain as best I could my reasons for not going. We're family, but we are not close. It's hard to try and explain my depression, my personality, my quirks. I try to see him as a man to have a conversation with, but history and memories are strong. He's still a little boy in many ways to me.
7:44pm
I ate too much food. A whole package of spaghetti. A whole jar of sauce. Over-eating is another way that I deal with feelings that I am not settled with. Usually it's ice cream. I'm a big bloat boat. BLoat BLoat BLoat. As I washed the dishes that I cooked with, I started to cry thinking about some brief words that Charles and I exchanged before he left work and before I ate. "It's a very fine sieve I weave." I said to him in response to him telling me that I have a way with people and that I "filter" them very well. I cried because it's overwhelming sometimes to feel the joy of bringing people together. Not just my joy, but I feel it in 360 degrees. I am closed or have been described as distant for reasons. Even good feelings can stop me in my tracks, not just the wells of depression. I quickly washed the pot and headed to my room as the tears were pulled out from each bounce up the stairs to my room. I was dry by the time I reached the top and started to write.
I got an e-mail response from Marthalee from my letter last week. Lanny wrote me an e-mail. Passed out in front of the TV last night and moved to my bed at 3am. Jorge was warm and his warmth felt good.
I fell very sick now.
WEEKEND QUOTES/MEMORIES:
"I don't like him, not like a child molester not like, but somewhere between not paying your taxes and being a child molester."
"Finding Dawson's Crack"...thank you Charles.
The picture of a dildo near Ken's ass.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I wave a wand (my
I wave a wand (my arm) to make Randy's family calm, to have my Nathan continue his path and to bring me closer to grandma's arms.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Birds are chirping all around
Birds are chirping all around this walk of mine. And they stopped as I typed this. Wind.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Body-Body
For several days now I've been trying to find a song and all the person can tell me about it is that it has some lyrics that go, "Move your body, move your body." I think I've downloaded about 15 versions of songs I know that are not it.
Sadly, I know I've heard the song but have no idea of the artist or title and I also do not know any more words. :-(
I also had quite the energizing weekend but haven't made time to write about it and don't think it will happen any time soon.
Sadly, I know I've heard the song but have no idea of the artist or title and I also do not know any more words. :-(
I also had quite the energizing weekend but haven't made time to write about it and don't think it will happen any time soon.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Decompressing
I often type in the position that I'm in. My weight is supported by my left elbow. I'm resting on my left hip. My knees are bent and my body is in this twisted position. I can't say that it's the most comfortable or easiest to type in, but I find myself like this all the same.
I just walked in the door and stripped off the wet clothing. Humberto came home from San Diego and we went out to Boy's Room. We met up with his friend, Rick. Guy met up shortly after we arrived. Justin was there with John. I was so hyper on the drive over there. I saw the crescent moon clinging so closely to the horizon so I used my phone to text in the prior entry of "Crescently Close."
I wrote a letter to Marthalee during a break at work.
Mario wants to hang out tomorrow night. I haven't seen him since last Summer it seems. There might have been a dinner during the Fall when Ken and I were still doing Wednesday night dinners. I think we might hang out with Sebastian in WeHo. We live 10 minutes from each other yet never spend any time doing anything. He might as well be a relative. Haha.
4am. I think it's time to sleep. Where will I be in 30 minutes?
I just walked in the door and stripped off the wet clothing. Humberto came home from San Diego and we went out to Boy's Room. We met up with his friend, Rick. Guy met up shortly after we arrived. Justin was there with John. I was so hyper on the drive over there. I saw the crescent moon clinging so closely to the horizon so I used my phone to text in the prior entry of "Crescently Close."
I wrote a letter to Marthalee during a break at work.
Mario wants to hang out tomorrow night. I haven't seen him since last Summer it seems. There might have been a dinner during the Fall when Ken and I were still doing Wednesday night dinners. I think we might hang out with Sebastian in WeHo. We live 10 minutes from each other yet never spend any time doing anything. He might as well be a relative. Haha.
4am. I think it's time to sleep. Where will I be in 30 minutes?
Friday, March 03, 2006
Thursday, March 02, 2006
That Next Place
Sunlight is in my eyes. Shadow lines and bright strips through the blinded window. If I stare long enough, there's an extra amount of moisture that fills the curves like I'm going to cry, but it's just physiology. I'm actually smiling.
I wrote a letter to Eddy today on my lunch break. I had an instinct that I would probably get one in the mail when I got home and sure enough I did. I think the Navy is having the desired effect on him. In a way, it feels like watching a birth; knowing someone such a short time in their evolution. It forces one to look in the mirror. And I do.
Rey and I exchanged IM's yesterday for the first time in a while. It meant something to me. Enough to put it down to words now. A lot of such "meanings" are being felt lately. I think I'm searching for them. I'm tired of sitting on the sideline of my own life. Tired may not be the word really... or maybe tired, but not of sitting, of feeling paralyzed to move and just watch.
Jason is on his way here so that we can play tennis. I'm glad to play; to move. It will be cold even with me sweating. Blue six beats, blue skies turning in and I'm so glad that my blues are beginning to see greens and yellows.
Sun is down below the neighbor's roof now. The rooftop has that sun-setting aura about it. I quickly think a fleeting thought. I wonder if that desire I had as a little boy to sacrifice myself so that the world could live in peace is what slowly unravels me in space and time---causes me a fair amount of my own pain. Psycho babble says this is a way of not taking responsibility for my choices, but I do. I know the doors I have opened and closed. I know the beds I have made, slept in, jumped on and left.
So yea, I'm smiling because I think that good things are happening to people that I care about. Because I know that even though I'm not in their lives daily, the seeds planted long ago remain.
I wrote a letter to Eddy today on my lunch break. I had an instinct that I would probably get one in the mail when I got home and sure enough I did. I think the Navy is having the desired effect on him. In a way, it feels like watching a birth; knowing someone such a short time in their evolution. It forces one to look in the mirror. And I do.
Rey and I exchanged IM's yesterday for the first time in a while. It meant something to me. Enough to put it down to words now. A lot of such "meanings" are being felt lately. I think I'm searching for them. I'm tired of sitting on the sideline of my own life. Tired may not be the word really... or maybe tired, but not of sitting, of feeling paralyzed to move and just watch.
Jason is on his way here so that we can play tennis. I'm glad to play; to move. It will be cold even with me sweating. Blue six beats, blue skies turning in and I'm so glad that my blues are beginning to see greens and yellows.
Sun is down below the neighbor's roof now. The rooftop has that sun-setting aura about it. I quickly think a fleeting thought. I wonder if that desire I had as a little boy to sacrifice myself so that the world could live in peace is what slowly unravels me in space and time---causes me a fair amount of my own pain. Psycho babble says this is a way of not taking responsibility for my choices, but I do. I know the doors I have opened and closed. I know the beds I have made, slept in, jumped on and left.
So yea, I'm smiling because I think that good things are happening to people that I care about. Because I know that even though I'm not in their lives daily, the seeds planted long ago remain.
