Tumble Seed

There is a man that I strive to be. Like many lofty goals, I'm not sure that I can ever achieve this ideal in total. I know that I walk this man's path much of the time, but sometimes I look down to find that I've climbed a tree.

There is a boy that I have vowed to cherish. He is the me that brings forth honest exchanges with an occasional unwanted abrasiveness. When this boy grows, the pain is silent but present. Mute mourning. Sitting in the tree is comforting.

Eddy and I were at Thrust tonight. Neither one of us were that engaged with the crowd or the music. We weren't even compelled to drink to try and alter the stage. I will miss him when he's gone to Navy training in 60 days.

Cardwell sent me an e-mail from Brazil. Made me laugh, as usual. Nathan has started a new job with KB Homes. I got to see Mark W. last Friday at Boy's Room. I've never shared that I see these three as my practical, emotional and intellectual outlets, respectively. Practical here, for me, means simply that energy that I relate to in the day to day affairs of my life. Cardwell and I just "get" each other and that's that. Nathan and I can sense each other. I often feel bad without knowing what is wrong with him. Mark will always know more things than I do, whether important knowledge or not.

Why so late? So late is wise.

Spousing

Sitting here during lunch at work is teaching me the valuable lesson of getting away from the desk (and co-workers) for that one hour a day. The hour of reprieve. The hour.

The oh so important hour.

The time that is mine to me.

Instead, I'm listening to my co-worker prattle on with her husband.

No Apolo Jo

I'm not sorry. I have done what I wanted because it suited the moment and the moment was important. I'm not sorry for believing in you, in myself or the circumstances of life that brought us together.

Lesbian Lips

Oh the dearest of faces that keep my abs in shape as laughter keeps me in shape. 

Mornings on top of Long Beach

I came out on the deck because I wanted a space to write where I could feel the sun on my skin. I'm sitting at the table in the shade. I'm writing with a black pen that says, "UNI-BALL" and I'm in Long Beach. Robby comes to mind. I could use--and really want--a shower. A part of the moon still hangs in the sky opposite the approaching sun. I wanted to write "rising" sun, but as I thought about the word and the fact that the sun really isn't moving, I chose differently. I am probably plagued with being too precise sometimes. Most of the time? Always? :-)

I wrote a poem. I'll stick it here. Yay poems.

================

Not Robert Frost
----------------

Up so early
With my deep, dark friend
I'm never as bold
as we take in the
Morning sounds
The birds find their way
because their songs
stop shortly upon our
arrival
Or they have become suspicious
of my presence and
shoosh to draw me out.
spy vs. spy.
The waiting game will be
my undoing
split ends
on glass pictures
so many shades of green

How long before the frost comes?

============

My face in the reflection of the glass table on the patio here at Jeff and Guy's home shows my greasy morning visage. I remember when I was younger...I was so self-conscious about it that when guys were spending the night I would get out of bed and wash my face as soon as I woke up.

This week has been one of the more debilitating. I've managed to put a kink back in my neck. The task of going to sleep at a "decent" hour and then waking to a minimalist alarm song took all of my focus. Putting on a front at work took all of my energy. And I would be in bed asleep by the time the shoes were kicked off at the end of the day.

I've moved into the sun and the warmth has begun to free me. Burn me.

Last night, Charles came from Redlands and we dashed to Jeff's 31st birthday gathering. I met a pair of ladies who shared their Chuck disdain with me. Joann and Carrie made me smile and then laugh. Shawn Long and his roommate, Jason, were present. Always good reconnections. Tanny was out at Boy's Room and followed us back afterward. He and another Irish bloke named Patrick.

As you enter Jeff & Guy's home, Gabriel is all around you. It's a warming welcome into the hearts and arms of love.

Phew. That observation just flushed me with my body heat, a good tingle and a runny nose.

What wonderful roads will I share with friends today?

Sick Puppy

A brief reprieve of quiet in my mind listening to a newly found DJ:

http://www.sickpuppydog.com/

Thanks Rey.

sleepless sleep

sigh. even that was too much effort.

Movie Title

Idea: "Deprogrammed"

Random Lines With Random Play

"All At Once"
Whitney Houston

Pudge pudge pudge pudge.... The fix is simple. Aerobic exercise. Most of the shit in life is simple like that. Don't have enough money? Spend less or make more. Or both. But we adapt very quickly. Comfort breeds boredom. Stop. Stop! Do Pygmies have these thoughts?

"Reach Up For The Sunrise" (Acoustic)
Duran Duran

That's the problem with this time of the year. It's hard to reach up for the sun because it's not out as much. Even getting out of work by 4:30, it's almost setting for the day. I wake up to a rhythm that is not my heart. I stand in the shower for what is an eternity for those who jump in & out. It is only a brief moment of Jeremy sanity where I am comfortable. My water web that never quite becomes a cocoon.

"Night Fight"
Tan Dun

The movie that this song is from reminds me of Lena's mom's monologue in the movie Joy Luck Club. Something to the effect that she is a tiger, waiting for that moment to break free. Yes, I can see the jumping from rooftop to rooftop. There are many images of flight and taking off to dreams.

"Sweetest Goodbye"
Maroon 5

Manscaping seemed so much more important when I was younger. Now, it's just one of those time consuming events that I don't do as often. I'm not sure if that means I've become more comfortable with myself or that I've just grown so despondent that it doesn't matter. Out of touch with my body? Haha. It's a different kind of awkward than pubescent blossoming. I know the power of my body and that most of it is in a potential state because being kinetic would mean that something healthy might be going on and I don't think my mind is wanting to lose the hold it has over struggling. It fights with itself. I fight with myself. Wow... I'm an IT...

"We Don't Need Another Hero"
Tina Turner

I'm IM-ing with Randy as I type this entry. He doesn't know this is what I'm doing. When this song came on, the title also reminded me of "Holding Out For A Hero" by Bonnie Tyler. Both songs have the power of these raspy women voices. Their sound signifies something of a hard life. It conveys struggle. You are drawn in close to their words because even a whispered lyric seems to have its own thrust of wind.

"Concerto Op.8 No.8 Allegro Non Molto - Allegro"
Vivaldi

Strings. I've never liked that a piano is considered a string instrument. I understand the reasoning, but strings sound so completely different. But what other instrument group would the piano belong to?

"Implantat"
2 Dollar Egg

I can honestly say I do not remember ever looking at the title of this song while it was playing in the background. It sounds different now that it has a title. I hear different things. This is much like knowing of someone but never having spoken to them. The song hasn't changed any. The person did not become different. My knowledge and perceptions grew. This song is dark. It enters into parts of the mind that are not easily unlocked; maybe just not shared in the open air.

December 1st my medical insurance kicks in. I know something is wrong inside, but I know not what. I'm tired all the time as if my body is constantly fighting something.

"Billie's Blues"
Billie Holiday

Well... that just says it all.

"Seven Cities [Solar Stone's Atlantis Mix]"
Solar Stone

And this is not dark trance. This is very ethereal, happy trance. This is the type of song that you float to ecstasy on. It is the kind of song that you hug on a rave dance floor to. I think I'll sit in the spa after Smallville tonight. This music has pushed an idea of relaxation. I was so wound up last night that I could not sleep. I had to start breathing deeply so that I became light headed. Sometimes that's the only way for me to get to sleep. Thoughts were entering my head about staying up all night and keeping myself busy, but that ultimately would have depleted my body of what energy I have left. I've been seeing Jorge lately. It's a good thing, but it mingles excitement and fear; two dinner guests at my bar stool for one.

"Touched By God"
Katcha

Another happy trance song. This one belongs to Nathan. It is a segue out of online mode for me tonight.