Body Talks

Sometimes the body responds for the words that cannot surface.

I cried on the drive home before going to work. I wish I could find peace.

Meaningful Meanings

"I'd rather be alone than unhappy..."

We listened to the lyric in the car on my lunch break as we jetted from location to location.

We're going to Las Vegas for Memorial Day weekend.

My sore throat is coming back...it's so strange that it happened at the same time last year. Is there something in the air?

Why do the doors have locks?

On Monday Night Cardwell and I went to a 24hr Denny's that was closed. This was after seeing the license plate that said, "EAT CRAB," and pouring a double shot of Jaeger into a plant.

We ended up TGIF in Costa Mesa with my shirt that said "GAY athlete" and his that read, "FUCK OFF i have enough friends."

Twinkle Twinkle Little Mary

Yesterday I got the idea that this walking initiative should really have some bark behind its bite. Cardwell and I drove to OCC and then walked to try and find their track. Once found, it looked closed, so we walked around the campus instead. The old woman at the cash register in the cafeteria had this to say when we asked how she was, "Well, I'm alive." Yeah... that sums up a lot. We continued walking. I found a piano practice room and the guy next door was playing some very loud jazz. Playing well. So quite loudly I played Mary Had A Little Lamb & Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. It was the mood I was in.

I've been in quite some moods the past few days. I had a discussion with Rey some days ago about him being smarter than where he's at and what he's doing. Hopefully it's one of those conversations that sink in over time. I'd been dating Tyler long enough now to figure out through our words and our actions that we're both male, we like to have sex and beyond that finding common ground to talk about or share doesn't really happen. What's strange is that one 18 year old goes away and two more spring up in his place. When I was that age I wouldn't have even looked at someone who was 29 going on 30. But then, I had---and still have---some theories on the responsibility of the older person a dynamic age difference of developing times in life. When all is said in done here, it hurts to hurt other people. This is why I strived to steer from mean choices except in times of making a point.

Eddy is unable or unwilling to learn. Some days I feel it's one or the other or both. We all love and we all hurt when it ends, but not all of us are able to fold those feelings into a cumulative emotional experience. What I know is that I feel that recent interactions with Tyler, Rey and Eddy, I'm finally learning myself that the child in my head is starting to grow and I think that has been much of my moodiness in the last week. It's like I fight it, yet I know it's something that for me to mature in relationships I have got to do. There's a choice looming here... perhaps it's been here for several years.

Sexually I've been in overdrive. (But only the feelings surging inside, not in actions) Finding the balance between my intellectual decisions and my body's physiological impulses is so much fun. I look at those that would act on every impulse and see a sordid happiness but a serious sadness that is only masked by having more sex. While there is no universal answer for everyone here, I know that the only things that ultimately makes me happy is intimacy with someone that I know and trust...anything else is just a momentary blip of fun that is a spike of happiness that then drops down into despair when that spike isn't there the next day or the next.

There is so much love inside of me that I'm carrying. I miss being able to share it. I share it as much as possible with my friends, but it's not the same.

Spilling The Beans

I talk a lot more when I drink. I guess depending on what is revealed and to whom that can be a good or bad thing. Alcohol...the social lubricant of our lives. I wish it in moderation to everyone, but I fear it's blurring effect for the ones dear to me.

After getting off work yesterday, I didn't go to sleep right away. I called Cardwell and we began our day of drinking with red wine spilled all over his brand new shirt. Claim Jumper for lunch and buzz, "Z Tejas" for some slushy margarita thing called a Big Stick, and then over to The Clubhouse for a martini. The walking kept us level. Haha.

Phone conversations.... with Rey & Eddy. Tyler called while we were in front of Bath & Body Works. Cardwell says we spent an hour in the store, which is entirely possible. I was busy with the Vanilla Sugar and he with coconut Lime. I got my log-ride flip flops from A&F...orange, of course.

Two minutes till lunch break.... I thought there was more I wanted to talk about. Maybe after lunch.

Bomb This

I was reading this on YAHOO regarding Bin Laden's offer of 10,000 grams of gold for killing top military officials:

"The United States has offered rewards of its own for information leading to the captures or deaths of bin Laden and his top lieutenants, as well as for top figures in the former Iraqi government of Saddam Hussein (news - web sites). The price on bin Laden's head now stands at $50 million — far more than the nearly $125,000 that 10,000 grams of gold is worth."

When are these stupid old white men that run our country going to understand.... it's not about the money. Offering $50mil or even $100mil is nothing compared to someone's beliefs. You cannot crush an idea in the mind of one who is resolute.

Involuntary

I've spent the last two days in bed, hardly moving except to eat and goto work. I forced myself up tonight to go outside and walk for 30 minutes. Now showered, I feel clean. I copied an entry into this journal that I wrote on the way back from Las Vegas. It captured just a few thoughts. There are so many more.

In the silence of breathing, I picture myself as a bamboo reed in a pond. As rocks drop in and cause ripples in the water, the reed moves to accept the wave of the ripple, and so am I moving with each shockwave of emotion from the past week. In the quiet of my mind, I meditate and thoughts of Tyler, Eddy, Rey, Nathan come in time. Work politics. Will this heat subside long enough for me to cool my body? Cardwell leaves for a cruise and Big Kitty needs to be petted while he's gone. Saturday is Mother's Day breakfast time.

The only crying I have done was in side-splitting laughter at a mini-mart stop on the drive home from Las Vegas. It was 100 degrees outside. Cardwell stopped for water and so we could switch and I would take over driving. His description of the "short" cash register attendant who's head barely reached the counter, the black bananas they were trying to sell, the old homeless man standing in front of the building... all were enough for a smile, but then we looked to the freeway and watched a mini-van in reverse on the ON-RAMP. Seconds later there's a backfire from the tailpipe of some vehicle that drove out of the desert and pulled into the mini-mart. We were lost somewhere that most people will never know. I lost total control and fell to the ground in laughter. Tears--the kind that stream down your cheek to the chin and drop off when you're crying uncontrollably hard--rained on the asphalt.

I have no tears for anything else right now. Is that me, or the Zoloft?

Driving home from Vegas

...and it's the music again that seems to save me on this drive home. Carwell taps my knee to point out the correctional facility and I smile. It's one of many smiles that have been a surprise on this trip. There's been so much laughter. I think it's so we wouldn't cry. I think it's because we both project a strong exterior and in times like this our softer, vulnberable sides are forced--or perhaps naturally surface--to support our dearest friend.

Cardwell asked me yesterday what I expected from friendship. My vague response was that I expected everything that I would expect from a relationship with someone minus the sex. Then my serious response was: RESPECT, HONESTY AND A SENSSE THAT THEY COMLETE A PART OF ME. TRUST...HERE TAKE MY CAR. Someone I would trust with my life. I think I've always known the value of this true type of friendship so I have kept my friendship circles small and diverse.

Rabbit Ears

I'm surrounded by this pain right now. I can't even type...I'm trying just to get out what's stuffed inside, but all I feel is a headache.

How else are you supposed to feel when one of your closest friends tries to kill themself?