Having a conversation with Alex online, listening to Incubus on MTV and re-reading some of these older entries, it seems so clear right now. The many words that I don't write are the stray thoughts that occupy so much use of energy.
It's like the stories of the past, when being honest would head off any chance of holding something over my head.
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
Thursday, May 09, 2002
jumping hoops
Sometimes I can tell what day it is by what shows are on TV. Fuck.
I was having a "talking to myself" moment yesterday as I got up out of bed and realized that I'm not really a writer. I don't tell stories. Writing has just been my outlet and security in times of trying to cope with whatever my head wanted to spin me. My talent is interpretation and cultivating innate gifts. Why are there so many fucking hoops. I am so frustrated.
Even when I work for it, I am no more satisfied when something is achieved.
I was having a "talking to myself" moment yesterday as I got up out of bed and realized that I'm not really a writer. I don't tell stories. Writing has just been my outlet and security in times of trying to cope with whatever my head wanted to spin me. My talent is interpretation and cultivating innate gifts. Why are there so many fucking hoops. I am so frustrated.
Even when I work for it, I am no more satisfied when something is achieved.
Monday, May 06, 2002
I do
Years ago when I dated Steve Tanny he described me as a "free spirit." I just finished some aerobic exercise and I was sitting in front of the fan cooling down when this thought came to mind. It flew in on the wings of other thoughts... Grandma Jean; how some days I can be overjoyed with the outlook of a child and others when I'm locked in bed with the experience of a agoraphobe.(sp?)
I suppose I could be seen as "free." I'm sure that freedom is the inner lining to much of me. I wanted it for so long that when I got it I was too busy trying to obtain it to know it was here. Convention: something I have often rebuffed in favor of "my own way." How silly that the little boy I always wanted to keep around should surface in such a way. I like that he's still here, but it sure isn't life as I had imagined, nor that I would want to live through again.
This will be a short week. Only 4 hours of work tonight. I have Friday off for a Dr. appt. and then off to Pomona to speak in front of Valley Academy High School for PFLAG. I'm told it's a school assembly. I have mixed feelings. I hope for the best.
I do.
I suppose I could be seen as "free." I'm sure that freedom is the inner lining to much of me. I wanted it for so long that when I got it I was too busy trying to obtain it to know it was here. Convention: something I have often rebuffed in favor of "my own way." How silly that the little boy I always wanted to keep around should surface in such a way. I like that he's still here, but it sure isn't life as I had imagined, nor that I would want to live through again.
This will be a short week. Only 4 hours of work tonight. I have Friday off for a Dr. appt. and then off to Pomona to speak in front of Valley Academy High School for PFLAG. I'm told it's a school assembly. I have mixed feelings. I hope for the best.
I do.
