Learning Circles

Sometimes it is something as simple as covering the top of your cup with a CD case while in the garage so that dust and insect friends don't descend into the liquid level inside; the things that friends teach me.  Yes, I can see the bugs flying.  Yes, I know there is dirt around.  Somehow, I just didn't naturally think to cover the cup.  These are the moments of "dumb genius" that are of note for my life.  I don't think the others around me "get that" most of the time. 

I'm so lucky when they do.

The Seed That Is Ugly

Over a decade ago I began to feel the social prejudice from friends when attempting to modify the direction of my own life and defining what "success" meant to me. I never thought that it would be something I would lose friends over. Was I naive? Does this thing Mr. Gage sees in me as a light of hope blind me to everyday obvious actions? Or is it that I have maintained a level of purity to the component of friendship that others lose as they continue to keep their minds closed and not open? I've been there too. (So I am tolerant more than I would have been, but the knowledge does not overt the immediate sting of ......betrayal?) 

I guess there was no need for a question mark at the end of that last word. It is the word that came to mind so quickly and the word that I feel. So when does one lose objectivity and believe what others believe as truth? And when does sticking to one's beliefs prove to be the correct course of action because---though unpopular---it is still right(at least for me & in the grander sense, right for a specific individual) in the face of so much doubt. These questions... these uncertainties... these clouds that may never clear... To me, these are the realities of an open mind and heart because there is no doctrine that asserts that "YOU MUST" or "IT MUST BE." 

I revert back to lyrics that resonate....

"How come no-one told me 

All throughout history 

The loneliest people 

Were the ones who always spoke the truth 

The ones who made a difference 

By withstanding the indifference I guess it's up to me now 

Should I take that risk or just smile?" 

-misread, Kings Of Convenience

Writer's High

It's moments like this that "I DO" live for. Dido's "White Flag" is half way into the song. I chose this song for this moment. I'm in the slipstream of my creative self and it feels so good that'm I'm welling up with tears because it feels so good to be here again. In the joy of it all there is the real understanding that fear is a begging transient who could grow if I don't stay focused---fear that this moment is transient itself. There was a time when it seemed that this balanced feeling seem to be effortless. That's a lie we tell to ourselves, I think. I'm anxious for my trip up to Oregon in June so that I can be rejoined with the box full of hand written journals that I have been separated from for two years. I know that within the words of my twenty years younger self there is wisdom that I have misfiled over time. There is confidence that I created to carry me through uncertainty in those pages. There are memories I purposefully wrote down in the hope that I would not grow into a soulless adult who was a shell of the ideals bourne in fearless youth. Having never been wreckless then, I have explored those brambles only to find that the thorns prick you regardless of when you brush them. (I don't heal as quickly as I did in my youth.)

Pledging Myself, Passing Regardless

May day, May day... calling on my will & determination to write something EVERY SINGLE DAY this month! Even if it's just a simple statement like this. But I should gladly ask myself for more. More.

Equal ILL Bring'em

Day Six.... Insomnia. This is a familiar place to be the past few nights. Honestly... six in one hand... half dozen in the other... In times of poverty, the one hand makes pragmatic sense. In times of liquid cash flow, the other hand is just as pragmatic. Let's see how I feel about this assessment in another decade.

SOMETIMES I feel like the whole world is falling apart---literally, figuratively, my immediate space as well as the lives around me. Then reminders happen. MOST OF THE TIME I'm amazed at how intricate the universe is and how moving through it connects not just me but those around me to each other.

Somber Situation

No entries for the past month... so much change and nothing that I really feel like thinking about... let alone writing about.

CAstles IN The Sky

"Oh tell me why, do we build castles in the sky?"...
-Ian Van Dahl
ACE

Some would say that these are our dreams; something for us to strive for...others would say it's easier to set our focus on these lofty ideals that are out of reach rather than the tangible realities we don't wish to deal with at our feet. I say yes to both...but when is which?

Strangers On Blue

If this was New York, these giddy glances back and forth would be tedious and a waste of time. One of us would have already either yelled "Hey" from our seats at one another or actually walked over to the other....

Alas, this is the world geography where "The Happiest Place On Earth" exists...where you look down to see the stars amid sparkling pavement...there is an Orange Curtain...and so many other Fabulous Fabricated Fascades!

That all being true... I said hello & stayed on the train past my stop to talk with him. And even if nothing comes of it... I am feeling myself again.

"Lonely" by Ian Van Dahl

I've kinda always wanted to be in bed with a boyfriend in the rain to this song.

"Lonely" by Ian Van Dahl

How about being lonely.
Gonna give my soul to you.
Like thousand lights shining on my skin.
Can you feel inside of me?
My heart beating
Lonely sound

[Chorus:]
It touches my skin
It touches my soul
Do you really understand me?
I touches my skin
It touches my soul
Do you feel the same why I do?

The atmosphere is mighty
Colours of hope are lightening me.
Seduce my mind
Lift me up real high
Something sweet I can't resist
All these questions bring me down.

[Chorus 2x]

Do you feel the same why I do?