Never Wasted Words

Just finished watching The Adjustment Bureau. The movie, Collateral, is beginning...

Vulnerability. Intimacy. Wisdom. Communication.

Sentient Sadness

Ralphie B - Ragnarok (Lounge Mix) I come to this writing thing because it used to do something for me. As the years pass and I attempt to make words join together, there is less and less that comes out that makes me feel better or seems coherent. (Right here I have already paused and don't know what more to type) I am away from people. They are away from me. However it's stated, the distance is hurting me. In a constant state of pain it does become normal and the question from others that is more conversational than caring, "How are you?" seems to have no way of being spoken without an awkwardness that leaves them uncomfortable or speachless. I understand now why people put on weight when they get older and are unhappy. Because even doing the simple things that you know can make things better are left undone. There was a time when I believed that the strength came from within, but now I know that we all derive that strength from within from something in our lives that causes it to be sustained. It is different for everyone and for me it has mostly been the people I've allowed to be very close to me. People pass with time. So does that strength.

Love Light In Flight (Fuel Injected Passion)

"Make me feel like paradise Fill me with your kisses Make the moment feel just right Take me up and away..." -Love Light In Flight, Stevie Wonder This song has been stuck in my head the past couple days. "Make me feel like paradise...give me what I'm missing." Yesterday, after spending way too much time and energy responding to a political post by Arturo on Facebook, I also found the journal entry from almost twenty-one years ago when I met him. Oh the changes. It seems the older I get, the more I see the changes of those around me and the sameness in myself.

Acceptance of Time

Back from a few hours in The Village with Tricia. Twenty-five years knowing someone has the perk of knowing when certain words come out of my mouth they will be heard and understood as I meant them. Listening to her words, I know the specific timeline that correlates to the tones of where we are now....approaching 40.

Two Blind Ships Passing The Cosmos

It's not such a mystery at this point in life why two broken-hearted people will find one another and try to make themselves whole.  I wouldn't even say that it's foolish or healthy or any particular judgment having been there or tried; passed by someone because of their own or my own place in life at a time.

Kina.

I think about what it is that makes another feel secure with another person.  I think about what it is that defines a "complete" relationship for them.  I think of these things because I can truly only know what these things are to me. 

Song fades out.  Morning sounds fade in.  Eyes blink with the weight of marathon TV series watching. Mind .... Head shakes.

Breathing so loud in the solitary silence of my soon to sleep.

Make A Wish...

Breaking away seems like it should be an easy enough action. I chuckle as that is typed and think of the many things that are easy to say but so much harder to make real. I trust in a belief that I cannot articulate... That is probably the closest analogy to faith/spirituality as I may ever be in terms that relate to those who follow a religion.

Kiss Me

Last night I was flipping through channels looking for something to entertain me while I became sleepy.  She's All That was playing.  I hadn't see it since 1999 when it was released and I went to the theater with Lanny to see it.  I forgot that one of the lead character's was also named Laney.  The jeep.  The California coast.  The two different worlds trying to connect; crashing, crying & combining.  Then there's that moment when the Sixpence None The Richer song comes creeping and I remember how innocent we were back then.

Interpretations

Something like a year passes and the message that gets emphasized is how unimportant you are and how much more important are the other things of life. 

Or...how absolutely unable one is to comprehend, or how unable they are to do anything about it. 

In end ...  I guess it's all about interpretations.

Brown Hazel Green

My eyes have been green all weekend.  I think it started on Thursday night when I was at Brandon's graduation from sheriff cadet training.  It was the second time I had the opportunity to spend with "Granny," his grandmother.  She is such a riot to me.  The words that come out of her mouth I could hear them coming out of my own later in life. It is very touching to me that I was asked to attend the graduation.  While the ceremony was much like any commencement --not able to move along fast enough--there was one point when the Sheriff was speaking about the responsibilities that come along with becoming deputies.  Integrity.  Honor.  The keys to positions of authority and why we as a society do or don't trust them. 

I noticed my green eyes yesterday while Joseph and I were in one of our uniquely calibrated wavelengths together.  We were listening to music, singing, dancing, acting out.  At one point the girls came out and joined us to dance.  I looked in the mirror and was surprised to see my eyes this color because usually I only notice the color change in the mirror after I cry but I hadn't cried.  I made a remark to Joseph and carried on with our fun.

The color is the same... but I had my cry tonight so no real surprise. 

"If you keep building these walls
Brick by brick towers so tall
Soon I won't see you at all
Until the concrete angel falls"
-Gareth Emery ft. Christina Novelli

The Ties That Bind

Simultaneous beauty & tragedy; being an emotionally unencumbered observer to one's relationship that has all the obvious signs of being past its expiration date, but also the genuine glimpses of true tenderness which is the love that won't let them let go.