My light sweat exudes a scent of coconut from the body wash I'm using. Tropical. Beach. Yay.
Still not a soul. I thank the universe for Joseph/Destiny. I would have ceased to function months ago had this spirit not been introduced to me... Truthfully, I may have expired years ago.
Ever unearthing this evolution; exceeding my earnest excitement.
I'm never a fan of children having children, but I am touched when they accept their responsibility & place a life before their own.
Alas, I am not. So besos.
To some beautiful Billy out there somewhere. Like Michael Buble's lyrics..."I just haven't met you yet."
Tuesday, April 5, 2011, 5:50pm
4 Days into Fast
No friends have checked in
Monday, April 4, 2011, 5:25am
3 Days into Fast
No friends have checked in
I broke a three year streak yesterday. It's not important to anyone but me and a step in the right direction for my own journey.
9:45pm
When I couldn't sleep earlier today, I went and took assessment tests at the local community college. I probably should have studied for the Algebra part, but I passed just the same. Most of the questions looked familiar but I had forgotten the rules or operations to perform---really, the shit is not used in most of our everyday life. Strangely, the English portion was a breeze for me.
I sent Sarah a "Random Share" text just now: Everytime you have sex with someone, you give a little piece of you away.
Oh the truth of it---that is, if you have anything left of yourself or are self-actualized in the first place. I suspect that even those who don't have words to explain can still feel--however vaguely--the waning over time. Envy on those who just accept that they're enjoying themselves. Haha, that line only lasts so long for me. (And sometimes it's actually true)
Simultaneous truth.
I have cried more today than I think I have since the first week of Randy's death. I answered the phone crying when Destiny called. I have such contempt for friends that I feel should be much closer to me both physically & emotionally right now. I described to both Lena & Destiny that I would like to smash their faces into my pain for five seconds to wake their asses up... But when that anger subsides, either from a run that forces it to dissipate or from a cry that springs up, I know what I have known since probably about three years ago and I have been hiding trying not accept it. It's time to step into the next change and I have been avoiding that.
I love what this fasting is doing for me.
Saturday, April 2, 2011, 1:30pm
1 Day into Fast
No friends have checked in
I find so much when I dive into my mind. So much that has been ignored, compartmentalized or never even known to exist on a conscious level. I am never scared at what I find, but I am scared of the possible consequences of sharing some of these parts with the wrong person.
For this reason, initial exploration usually must be done in isolation. The one I would have trusted to be around is no longer here and the ones remaining are too full of doubt or hesitation to feel comfortable.
Who knew I would find use of a bible reference, but truly, they know not what they do.
In other arenas, I have removed him from site in hopes that it will spill over into removal from mind. Hah, if only I were so feeble. I've also explained why to him. This is one principle where Cardwell & I had no problem agreeing. I know what is right regardless of the pleasure I am forgoing.
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