Triggers, Training, Toby & Time

First times for ever thing in life at least once... haha.  This year is the first time in the 13 year history of my online journal that I had absolutely no entries for the month of January. 

I blame Facebook, Twitter and the way that technology has changed over the past decade.  Since writing has always been more of a channeling of my demons, a tool to exorcise, more than a vanity seeking fame and approval, I have never written with any regularity per se.  I'm more grateful than anything, that I can see a written record of the life and times that I have already forgotten.  These entries are triggers. 

I am sure to forget much more than I have ever even recorded.  At times, the purposely vague words of my past leave me with a mystery to try and figure out who or what I was talking about.  Luckily, while the names and faces are sometimes absent from memory, usually the memory of the feeling or reason for writing remains intact. 

Five days ago I climbed up on a saddled horse named Toby and rode him in circles a few times.  I can see how people who are around the animals grow to love and ride them frequently.  I could see in his eyes what I see in many animals who do not use words to communicate and he was not looking for a new rider on that day. 

I am going into the fourth month of not speaking with my mother.  The feeling is familiar.  I have set a mental reminder to check-in on this strategy for myself at the end of the semester and before starting my Summer job with EF.  Time and experience tell me that this, sadly, is a lesson that I have got to teach myself completely continue trapping myself with the wrong people moving forward.  I know that this conflict of my own values cannot be "tabled" indefinitely, but I have had the persistent feeling that I need to focuse through at least one full semester successfully before I am ever going to gain ground with one value over another.  Compromise... is not a kitten in this litter.