Sentient Sadness

Ralphie B - Ragnarok (Lounge Mix) I come to this writing thing because it used to do something for me. As the years pass and I attempt to make words join together, there is less and less that comes out that makes me feel better or seems coherent. (Right here I have already paused and don't know what more to type) I am away from people. They are away from me. However it's stated, the distance is hurting me. In a constant state of pain it does become normal and the question from others that is more conversational than caring, "How are you?" seems to have no way of being spoken without an awkwardness that leaves them uncomfortable or speachless. I understand now why people put on weight when they get older and are unhappy. Because even doing the simple things that you know can make things better are left undone. There was a time when I believed that the strength came from within, but now I know that we all derive that strength from within from something in our lives that causes it to be sustained. It is different for everyone and for me it has mostly been the people I've allowed to be very close to me. People pass with time. So does that strength.

Love Light In Flight (Fuel Injected Passion)

"Make me feel like paradise Fill me with your kisses Make the moment feel just right Take me up and away..." -Love Light In Flight, Stevie Wonder This song has been stuck in my head the past couple days. "Make me feel like paradise...give me what I'm missing." Yesterday, after spending way too much time and energy responding to a political post by Arturo on Facebook, I also found the journal entry from almost twenty-one years ago when I met him. Oh the changes. It seems the older I get, the more I see the changes of those around me and the sameness in myself.

Acceptance of Time

Back from a few hours in The Village with Tricia. Twenty-five years knowing someone has the perk of knowing when certain words come out of my mouth they will be heard and understood as I meant them. Listening to her words, I know the specific timeline that correlates to the tones of where we are now....approaching 40.

Two Blind Ships Passing The Cosmos

It's not such a mystery at this point in life why two broken-hearted people will find one another and try to make themselves whole.  I wouldn't even say that it's foolish or healthy or any particular judgment having been there or tried; passed by someone because of their own or my own place in life at a time.

Kina.

I think about what it is that makes another feel secure with another person.  I think about what it is that defines a "complete" relationship for them.  I think of these things because I can truly only know what these things are to me. 

Song fades out.  Morning sounds fade in.  Eyes blink with the weight of marathon TV series watching. Mind .... Head shakes.

Breathing so loud in the solitary silence of my soon to sleep.

Make A Wish...

Breaking away seems like it should be an easy enough action. I chuckle as that is typed and think of the many things that are easy to say but so much harder to make real. I trust in a belief that I cannot articulate... That is probably the closest analogy to faith/spirituality as I may ever be in terms that relate to those who follow a religion.

Kiss Me

Last night I was flipping through channels looking for something to entertain me while I became sleepy.  She's All That was playing.  I hadn't see it since 1999 when it was released and I went to the theater with Lanny to see it.  I forgot that one of the lead character's was also named Laney.  The jeep.  The California coast.  The two different worlds trying to connect; crashing, crying & combining.  Then there's that moment when the Sixpence None The Richer song comes creeping and I remember how innocent we were back then.

Interpretations

Something like a year passes and the message that gets emphasized is how unimportant you are and how much more important are the other things of life. 

Or...how absolutely unable one is to comprehend, or how unable they are to do anything about it. 

In end ...  I guess it's all about interpretations.

Brown Hazel Green

My eyes have been green all weekend.  I think it started on Thursday night when I was at Brandon's graduation from sheriff cadet training.  It was the second time I had the opportunity to spend with "Granny," his grandmother.  She is such a riot to me.  The words that come out of her mouth I could hear them coming out of my own later in life. It is very touching to me that I was asked to attend the graduation.  While the ceremony was much like any commencement --not able to move along fast enough--there was one point when the Sheriff was speaking about the responsibilities that come along with becoming deputies.  Integrity.  Honor.  The keys to positions of authority and why we as a society do or don't trust them. 

I noticed my green eyes yesterday while Joseph and I were in one of our uniquely calibrated wavelengths together.  We were listening to music, singing, dancing, acting out.  At one point the girls came out and joined us to dance.  I looked in the mirror and was surprised to see my eyes this color because usually I only notice the color change in the mirror after I cry but I hadn't cried.  I made a remark to Joseph and carried on with our fun.

The color is the same... but I had my cry tonight so no real surprise. 

"If you keep building these walls
Brick by brick towers so tall
Soon I won't see you at all
Until the concrete angel falls"
-Gareth Emery ft. Christina Novelli

The Ties That Bind

Simultaneous beauty & tragedy; being an emotionally unencumbered observer to one's relationship that has all the obvious signs of being past its expiration date, but also the genuine glimpses of true tenderness which is the love that won't let them let go.

Random Truths

While it certainly feels painful and doesn't look pretty, I find that crying myself to sleep is often the most restful sleep I get.

This LV Thing

The trek to Sin City has usually been one that is made with friends.   It feels somewhat stark without the bellowing laughter conjured from Cardwell's companionship. 

Once here... The time spent out with Nate brings out a natural spontaneous part of me.   It is the part of me I seem not able to reach on my own. Tonight I'm riding a wave of endorphins I have not tapped into much lately.

Dark Lightnesses

The shadow of a pup projected on the wall appears to be a lion encroaching. Only by looking into the shadowy things do we see the truth we so often tip toe around.

EXTRA credit assignments

I see the picture on my language textbook and I realize now--a month later--what a fellow students remarked to me. Today, my head is not in the game. My three dearest friends in the whole world are all not themselves. I am not thinking about---let alone studying for this oral presentation I have to do in 40min. I am typing this rather than cramming.

Priorities.
People first.

Decidedly

Somewhere along "the line," I decided that to understand certain lives I would have to live them. At some point my ensuing decisions will be to continue living them and my own, go back to the life was I was living or incorporate them into one moving forward. Always forward, regardless of vision.

Breathtaking Brushstrokes

Of all the random, chance meetings over the years with men, boys, men who were boys and boys who thought they were men, this canvass that is my soul searching to share love, continues as a collaborative art endeavor. Some have added single, strident brushstrokes. Some strokes were structurally sustained over time. Some have passed so sensuously silent that their brush barely seemed to leave any tangible contact. Then I blink, or step back; maybe tilt my head a slightly different angle and glimpse how indelible that brush becomes in the collective combination of chaotic creativity. Varied perspectives shine and shade to provide different punctuations to this art piece. It has become a mosaic mural. Mine. I see bright smiles; haphazard, splattered gushes of pain; a labyrinth of langour, laudable lessons from lies; lunar landscapes where leaps of faith leveled the daily daunting mediocrity. As this art strives to become a masterpiece, I see so much love searching for sovereignty over sadistic silliness. I see a boy who has become a man...and the man whose soul will always cherish the boy who longs to love.

S.H.I.T.

When my soul hungers and the resources in my life cannot feed it, I've learned that dumpster diving through our human waste does not always mean swimming through excrement. Savoring Human Intimacy Time (SHIT) is exactly the nourishment a soul needs.

Triggers, Training, Toby & Time

First times for ever thing in life at least once... haha.  This year is the first time in the 13 year history of my online journal that I had absolutely no entries for the month of January. 

I blame Facebook, Twitter and the way that technology has changed over the past decade.  Since writing has always been more of a channeling of my demons, a tool to exorcise, more than a vanity seeking fame and approval, I have never written with any regularity per se.  I'm more grateful than anything, that I can see a written record of the life and times that I have already forgotten.  These entries are triggers. 

I am sure to forget much more than I have ever even recorded.  At times, the purposely vague words of my past leave me with a mystery to try and figure out who or what I was talking about.  Luckily, while the names and faces are sometimes absent from memory, usually the memory of the feeling or reason for writing remains intact. 

Five days ago I climbed up on a saddled horse named Toby and rode him in circles a few times.  I can see how people who are around the animals grow to love and ride them frequently.  I could see in his eyes what I see in many animals who do not use words to communicate and he was not looking for a new rider on that day. 

I am going into the fourth month of not speaking with my mother.  The feeling is familiar.  I have set a mental reminder to check-in on this strategy for myself at the end of the semester and before starting my Summer job with EF.  Time and experience tell me that this, sadly, is a lesson that I have got to teach myself completely continue trapping myself with the wrong people moving forward.  I know that this conflict of my own values cannot be "tabled" indefinitely, but I have had the persistent feeling that I need to focuse through at least one full semester successfully before I am ever going to gain ground with one value over another.  Compromise... is not a kitten in this litter.