The PCH Sunday Afternoon Drive

Easter Sunday 2011

San Clemente to Huntington Beach via Route 1 of the glorious OCTA. I've left Sarah in the caring arms of her friendships and I'm off into uncharted territory to meet up with relatively new energy in my own circles. If I were prone to religious allegory, I might be rolling back the rock to find life again. Thank GODlessness, I'm not, haha.

Arriving at the Newport Transit Center, across from Fashion Island... The Big Newport theater hasn't been a gathering spot for my friends in years. I remember Batman, Airforce One, The Matrix, Prascilla: Queen of The Desert.... I remember Planet Hollywood & the first time I shaved my head and walked around the mall to witness the well-to-do of Orange County repel me with their body language. Hahaha... The truth of yesterday's faded facts.

Post To Randy's Facebook - Off My Chest

To say that I thought about you "quite a bit this week" doesn't capture the depth of what I mean. Months later, and I'm still realizing how much the people in my life DON'T GET IT. Sometimes I feel this look in one's eyes, or tone in someone's voice of, "Just get over it already..." It infuriates me; reverts the minute accumulation of... wisdom to strident charges of primal barbarism. I hear myself yelling from my skull, "This wasn't just a simple friend. This was my brother, my confidant, my sharer-of-shenanigans, my surprise saint & serendipitous sinner....my so much that words are inadequate. So "quite a bit" is an attempt to say that you never leave my thoughts. You permeate my life so completely that every conversation I have, place I visit or story I have to tell references you and F-all those looks and tones I get. I'll get over this in my own space & time!

A League Apart

Five baked potatoes down the gullet tonight. They somehow complimented the polishing off of mint chip & rocky road half gallons. I can safely say I have reached & exceeded my carb fill for the day---week?

My light sweat exudes a scent of coconut from the body wash I'm using. Tropical. Beach. Yay.

Still not a soul. I thank the universe for Joseph/Destiny. I would have ceased to function months ago had this spirit not been introduced to me... Truthfully, I may have expired years ago.

Ever unearthing this evolution; exceeding my earnest excitement.

Rise Up

I'm on the Metrolink train, leaving Claremont and on my way to Los Angeles Union Station. I have this beautiful, brown, pierced & tattooed living picture to stare at. It's not his genes alone that attract me. This "boy" is playing with his newborn daughter while the "mother" (girl) holds her. There is such sincerity in his facial expressions. Such love.

I'm never a fan of children having children, but I am touched when they accept their responsibility & place a life before their own.

Besos Beautiful

If I was at a keyboard instead of this phone I would be brainstorming out thoughts as fast as my fingers could transfer the thoughts...

Alas, I am not. So besos.

To some beautiful Billy out there somewhere. Like Michael Buble's lyrics..."I just haven't met you yet."

Fasting Log

Wednesday, April 6, 2011, 9:15am
5 Day Fast Over
No friends checked in

Tuesday, April 5, 2011, 5:50pm
4 Days into Fast
No friends have checked in

Monday, April 4, 2011, 5:25am
3 Days into Fast
No friends have checked in

I broke a three year streak yesterday. It's not important to anyone but me and a step in the right direction for my own journey.

9:45pm
When I couldn't sleep earlier today, I went and took assessment tests at the local community college. I probably should have studied for the Algebra part, but I passed just the same. Most of the questions looked familiar but I had forgotten the rules or operations to perform---really, the shit is not used in most of our everyday life. Strangely, the English portion was a breeze for me.

I sent Sarah a "Random Share" text just now: Everytime you have sex with someone, you give a little piece of you away.

Oh the truth of it---that is, if you have anything left of yourself or are self-actualized in the first place. I suspect that even those who don't have words to explain can still feel--however vaguely--the waning over time. Envy on those who just accept that they're enjoying themselves. Haha, that line only lasts so long for me. (And sometimes it's actually true)

Simultaneous truth.

I have cried more today than I think I have since the first week of Randy's death. I answered the phone crying when Destiny called. I have such contempt for friends that I feel should be much closer to me both physically & emotionally right now. I described to both Lena & Destiny that I would like to smash their faces into my pain for five seconds to wake their asses up... But when that anger subsides, either from a run that forces it to dissipate or from a cry that springs up, I know what I have known since probably about three years ago and I have been hiding trying not accept it. It's time to step into the next change and I have been avoiding that.

I love what this fasting is doing for me.

Saturday, April 2, 2011, 1:30pm
1 Day into Fast
No friends have checked in

I find so much when I dive into my mind. So much that has been ignored, compartmentalized or never even known to exist on a conscious level. I am never scared at what I find, but I am scared of the possible consequences of sharing some of these parts with the wrong person.

For this reason, initial exploration usually must be done in isolation. The one I would have trusted to be around is no longer here and the ones remaining are too full of doubt or hesitation to feel comfortable.

Who knew I would find use of a bible reference, but truly, they know not what they do.

In other arenas, I have removed him from site in hopes that it will spill over into removal from mind. Hah, if only I were so feeble. I've also explained why to him. This is one principle where Cardwell & I had no problem agreeing. I know what is right regardless of the pleasure I am forgoing.