Mogo, Mongo, Madly...

9:15am
I sat down to think about the day ahead of me. My mind is a sponge that feels sopping wet and liquid glides down my themples--indicating I'm full.

The bird in a nearby tree is too loud. I'm moving.


9:35am
A parking lot away and a Jamba Juice order later, I'm still at the Tustin Marketplace. Across the street I ican see the Black Angus where Desiree, the bartender, keeps Cardwell and I smiling. Paul is a m anager there. He's still a "lil" cutie. I think of going to eat there today, but then remember that I told Phil we could get "cheap Chinese."

Gaggles of children are arriving and their adult chaperons usher them toward the movie teather. I guess that this is some sort of Summer movie series that I would know about if I had children. Alas, that plan has changed somewhat from the "movie in my mind."

I'm sitting in the middle of a food court where nothing is open except the coffee shop. Europe has had cafes for generations...we Americans are such infants. I listen to a large clattering foundatin and Latin music piping out of Rubio's.

9:45am
I was typing with Ty last night and I told him that I was all "tied up." I didn't really want to go into too much detail. I just felt like putting my brain on the back burner--so I did and went downstairs to play Smash Bros. Melee. It's not as fun playing alone, but it's still entertaining. Much like jacking off I would equate.

So I play until I can feel frustration building because I've never taken the time to actually learn anything new about the characters I'm playing. Then I realize that this is a metaphor. I feel lazy. I turn off the downstairs lights and retreat back to my room.

Trillian, the program I use to IM, has an away message response sent to Martin and that makes me smile. A conversation ensues, but that adds to my feelings of being bound. I remember that I have an early appointment with Acura to have my back brakes done and I sign-off while Phil is telling me to sleep and Martin is sharing the drama that is normal and natural for a boy of 18. There is e-mail on my AOL account from a stranger and from Jeff. The stranger seems nice enough and Jeff ties me up some more.

Writing in the shade seemed like a good idea, but the breeze is making my nipples the new diamond cutter standard---time to move again.

10:00am
A gay boy walks by as helicopters fly overhead. Hmm...fly overhead? As if they could fly "under" head? Or maybe they could do a quick drive-by. There is so much redundancy in my writing. Anyway, I know he's gay because of his bleach-job and the prolonged way that he looked at my "XY" hat from a distance and then decided to walk around a second way to get a closer look at me.

A man in a distinctly orange/yellow shirt starts talking on his cell phone to my right and as I glance at him, he reminds me of one of the prison administration actors from the HBO series, OZ.

This sun feels so nice. I can feel myself brown. It's a comfort. It's a way of feeling that part of me that is not white. (Or any colro perhaps) That very ancient part.

So what is tying up my head?
-relationship status and the choices I would make.
The patterns -- seeing them
But wanting them just the same
-The allure of single life. The freedom of freedom
-getting in touch with Marthalee
-" " Steve Harrison
-Going back to school
-Where will I be living?
-Money--always money---I spend like it's a bottomless pit.

I put headphones on and listened intently to music yesterday before work. I've started to cry when thinking about Randy. As much as I try to believe that I'm older and wiser, I still cling to the pieces of love that made me feel good. I do it with Grandma, with Lanny and with Randy as well. Seeing him this month just ripped the skin off of this healing portion of my body. Feeling this makes it unfair and unwise to be mingling with new people, but I'm lonely. Ever so lonely. The time with friends quells the hollow, but I'm a black hole of sorts. I want that longing look....a stare into infinity where I see something deep inside of someone and while they're looking back they see themselves like they've never seen before. I want that feeling that makes my eyes water because I am the object of someone's affection.

10:30am
I just spoke with Nathan. Looking foward to spending the weekend with him. Hearing his voice--his happy voice-- always puts me at ease. It reminds me of all the good things on my life that I should be thankful for and cherish. My friends have always been the nuclear family that I never had and always wanted. Well--I'm not sure about "always" but never really having had one I just assume.

I think I'm done writing now. Take a walk.

manly male man stuff

Men gather and talk about manly things, and the men are happy. The men laugh about their manly things and their laughter gets louder and louder so that all can see and hear them. And again, the men are happy.

July 25th Transfer Entry

CHARACTER IDEA: Person has saved every movie stub ever seen. (side note, Chris saves Fortune Cookie fortunes...)

I've never been on the cutting edge of music of fashion; innovative in thinking, yes; lazy and/or afriad; I've watched as my peers have become odler. What grown-up things do I do?

Last night I saw the Bourne Supremacy w/Sarah, Phil & Grant. I kept forcing myself to blink durring the suspenceful or action parts because I didn't want to my contacts to dry out. Ha Ha.

I got tired after the movie. Grand, Phil & I were hanging out @ The Klatch, but I wasn't feeling it.

I've decided that I can't read American Psycho. In skipping ahead there are chapters that are too gruesome for me. I felt very disturbed.

Boys on the mind.

Woman Artist Love

Some say that LOVE makes the world go 'round. Pat sang that LOVE is a Battlefield, while Mariah had a Vision of LOVE and Tina asked What's LOVE got to do with it? Annie sung about No More I LOVE You's. Donna sung about feeling LOVE. Whitney said that the greatest LOVE of all was learning to love yourself.

There is a virtual fingerprint left everywhere we tread these days.

ahhh.....

I believe that the roles people "fall" into somehow satisfy something they desire. (healthy or not)

Dark Angels

"It shows affection in the only way it was taught to."
-jmp

The Ice Cream Truck

So a guy called into work today and asked where he could download the "ice cream truck song" for his ring tone.

Boyfriends can bring you warmth and sometimes even style, but they really never change who it is that you lay with when you close your eyes to sleep. All the whispered thoughts of your own must find a silence.

Character Idea

Character has lasik eye surgery so that they won't have to wear contacts and then starts wearing colored contacts.

Another character must drive everywhere with driving gloves.

Electro & boys

Listened to soft/electro CD that Phil made me while driving into work today. Very enjoyable. Makes me sleepy.

He was a lanky boy, but he was entirely beautiful. I felt warm inside when I saw him looking at me.

A Day In San Diego, A Hillcrest Delight

-Hamburger Mary's...fun with lesbians
-Cardwell is trying to play the game on his phone, "mobile Chesee" (Chess)
-Phil becomes known as "Straight Phil."
-Margarita Mary's is a nicer place to have drinks
-Bought "Piggy" @ RiteAID
-Numbers...dancing...  lost Eddy for 2 1/2 hours
-Long drive home....many emotions.
 
 

What's Fate got to do with It?

I decided to go to WeHo and spend time at The Abbey instead of going to Boy Bar because a part of me did not want to run into Randy.
 
Randy was at The Abbey.

I see therefore I close my eyes

I had a dream a day or so ago--who knows with all of the napping I do--Steve Harrison was somehow linked in a series of different frames.  I think it's because of all this writing that I've done lately.  I think it's because of his e-mail from over a month ago that I still need to respond to.  I think it's because it's time.  I think it's because I still search for a mentor sometimes even if I know that no one person can be that.
 
I've been picking ever so lightly at the pages of AMERICAN PSYCHO.  I skipped ahead and read a gruesome chapter and it reminded me of a scene from Ellis' LESS THAN ZERO and I wonder wabout his private life.
 
There's this temp who works here who is cute and he just arrived.  Always as I'm leaving.  Even after all these years I still feel self-conscious with my glasses.  Speaking of glasses, went for my pre-operation LASIK check-up yesterday.

The Search

He's fielding untamed territory.  I say to see the situation ifor what it is and then just enjoy yourself.  EASIER SAID THAN DONE...I know.
 
We all just want tto feel that love.

Burn baby...burn

I wateched Farenheit 9/11 today and cried.  Even if 1/2 of the information presented was false--which I don't believe--that still leaves the other 50% that is true.
 
What is there not to get?

Day Day Daylight

I've been given a taste of what working days will feel like.  ((Worked today from 10:30am to 7pm)

Maelstrom

I'm listening to this CD that Phil made me. I recognize one of the songs from the movie, "Igby Goes Down." I rented that movie with Ryan last year. Something about my encounter with Robbie today reminded me a little of Ryan.

What a long day...and here I am at work again, talking to the largest population of idiots known to me. A customer was asked if she was in a rural area and her response was, "I'm in my bedroom."

Freedom ringing. Banging and clanging echoes of words that hold truth and sins; lies and committments. As I extend myself into more lives, I can feel them enter the hollowness. I can see and feel how the filling of this void gives pseudo-completeness...I write about it. I relate. I still see those moments in their eyes and wonder if giving myself meaning often means giving up some of the freedoms that I enjoy.

I feel free, yet always trapped by my own mazes.

Strays

"At the Pentagon, the world's largest office complex, 250 light bulbs are replaced each day." --Cranium fun fact.

How do they know? Are these figures from the Pentagon that are exaggerated to pay for other things?

I was relieved to find out that I was not responsible for damages caused to a condominium complex over LA Pride weekend.

I'm without contacts. I threw my last pair in the garbage on the night of 6/30. Glasses are the screens that I shall gaze upon the world until my surgery on the 19th. My third day without--my eyes still water quite a bit.

Less than half a year until 30. I remember my mom turning 30 the year that we moved into the house in Chino; 22 years ago. Thoughts of Auntie Dot and picture memories race through my mind.

I don't want to work tonight. Would be so much fun to be out with friends.

I'm reminded of a feeling right now: Flowers For Algernon.

Inking the well

4:10am
On lunch I drove Sand Canyon toward Quail Hill. All developed now, the lights on the hill are very different from the floor plan mailers that Randy and I used to receive when we dreamily thought of buying there. The full moon guided my drive. It lighted the hill like a beacon.

PILOT -- PRECISE V extra fine rolling ball.


Cardwell made dinner last night. Taco Salad. It tasted good, but I wasn't in the mood to eat it. I've just been "stuck" with myself. I mean really stuck. Work schedule changes in a little over a week will provide a change in daily routine, but after that, it's me that has to pick up the packages and start changing my goals and ambitions. Hmmm....

A monk or a nun serves a god as their purpose in life. I must make my purpose, or, I must be content with not having any purpose at all and move through life aimlessly. (I think we all do this to some extent anyway.)

Love Bubbles

We are dynamic and yet we can crumble in an instant when the right circumstances unfold to us. I'm a sap for love stories; to even sense the potential and desire for such love to grow. I see it in the lonely eyes behind the initial lusting. It's sad that so many have not learned--or cannot learn--how to lay down that shield. I was at The Boom tonight with Phil. Earlier we tatched Spiderman 2. There were many moments in the moview when I felt sentimental. After the movie, we ate and then watched a sildeshow of pictures taken in Italy. Beautiful. There are few youth that experience this educational broadening.